queenofthehwy

I don't know if H is drinking probably is but not so much and hiding it. Anyway I don't even know if it matters anyway, he drinks or he doesn't we still can't get along.

Last night our son walked in our bedroom ( I forgot to lock the door) well, H was ready to go after son left, moment was gone for me so time for a little tv and relaxing, he was so mad at me he ripped the remote out of my hand and threw it against the mirror, then starts rippin on me and gets up and goes into the bathroom and slams the door. So I'm laying there paralyzed with fear and I think ok this is my chance so I grab a pillow and blanket and run downstairs to the couch. I felt like a little kid hiding from a mad parent. I kept praying to God he wouldn't come downstairs. Every little noise from upstairs scared the h@$# out of me. He didn't come downstairs. Luckily my chow follows me everywhere so she slept on the floor by me, that helped a little but I was so scared. I kept thinking to myself no one should have to feel this way no one should have this power over me no one who loves me would do this to me.

So what next? I don't know the only thing I do know is I don't want to live my life like this anymore. Emotional abuse is still abuse!!!! I am no good to my kids like this, they know something is not right.

We just built our first house last year it's my dream come true. His name is not on the house, my mom cosigned with me. If I told him to leave I would never be able to make it on my own and I can't make my kids move again they have had to move almost every year of thier lives and they are settled here and are doing good in school. Argh this is so hard.

I still am having terrible guilt even thinking about making him leave, I really am trying hard to get over that, but I am so codependant it's sick. I even feel bad that I think of myself, I feel selfish for that. H has a great way about keeping me in my role it's GUILT!!!

I think about his family that I love and all of my nieces and nephews and sister in laws I would not be able to be a part of the family anymore. I know they would support me because they know what thier brother is like but it would be so hard for me not to be included anymore. I'm the one who takes my kids to thier cousins bday parties.

I notice his things around me and think it would be sad if his tools weren't in our garage or his clothes weren't in the closet(hmm that might not be too bad) anyway you get the idea.

I have gone on and on long enough, but it feels good to get it out......

Help me guys

Mindi