HSSH

I need support.

Even though my AH ran out last fall and refused to come home for month and then did the exact same thing again last month, even though he redirected thousands of dollars to his person account from our joint one, lied through his teeth, slandered me, and brought emotional abuse and chaos into our home, even though my house has been so much more peaceful since he's been gone, even though I've been married to a stranger for the last two years, not my high school sweetheart I thought I married, I am sad today.

I guess at the end of the day, I honestly don't want a divorce, I just want my best friend to get sober and be a true partner to me - that's all I've wanted for 2 years. I just want my best friend back and it hurts so deeply to have lost so much to this disease.

After a month of avoidance and non-responsiveness, my AH finally emailed today that he's ready to sign the papers for our divorce (we're not there yet, he needs to tell me what all the assets are and where they are). As part of the divorce questionnaire there's a section where you mark if this is what you really want and if there was any chance of reconciling. He said yes, it's what he really wants and no, we are not reconciling.

The last night he was here, he threw me to the ground in our back lawn, pinned me to the ground and had his hand around my throat, then said I was physically abusing him. I don't know why it's so important to me that he accepts that he was physically abusive - that it wasn't the first time. Maybe it's the piece where he's saying I was physically abusive when I wasn't. Maybe it's just that I want some recognition of reality. In an uglier moment, before I really understood the disease I yelled at him and asked if he was insane that he couldn't see what he was doing to his life, to our security, to our relationship and marriage.

You know, before we were back in touch I thought I'd love him until the day I die. I don't love him anymore. That love died so long ago, drowned in a bottle of denial. I don't love him anymore, but this still hurts. I'm embarrassed by the divorce, that there's no quiet anonymity anymore with social media, so everyone in our hometown will know, that his AF will spread whatever lies my AH tells about the whole thing. I'm angry, and sad, and hurt. At the end of the day, I don't want to be divorced, but I don't want to be married to this chaotic, hurtful nightmare anymore. Why isn't there an option C where he gets sober and we can have the family we once talked about?