Divorce - getting ready to file

Old 03-18-2014, 05:13 PM
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Divorce - getting ready to file

I need support.

Even though my AH ran out last fall and refused to come home for month and then did the exact same thing again last month, even though he redirected thousands of dollars to his person account from our joint one, lied through his teeth, slandered me, and brought emotional abuse and chaos into our home, even though my house has been so much more peaceful since he's been gone, even though I've been married to a stranger for the last two years, not my high school sweetheart I thought I married, I am sad today.

I guess at the end of the day, I honestly don't want a divorce, I just want my best friend to get sober and be a true partner to me - that's all I've wanted for 2 years. I just want my best friend back and it hurts so deeply to have lost so much to this disease.

After a month of avoidance and non-responsiveness, my AH finally emailed today that he's ready to sign the papers for our divorce (we're not there yet, he needs to tell me what all the assets are and where they are). As part of the divorce questionnaire there's a section where you mark if this is what you really want and if there was any chance of reconciling. He said yes, it's what he really wants and no, we are not reconciling.

The last night he was here, he threw me to the ground in our back lawn, pinned me to the ground and had his hand around my throat, then said I was physically abusing him. I don't know why it's so important to me that he accepts that he was physically abusive - that it wasn't the first time. Maybe it's the piece where he's saying I was physically abusive when I wasn't. Maybe it's just that I want some recognition of reality. In an uglier moment, before I really understood the disease I yelled at him and asked if he was insane that he couldn't see what he was doing to his life, to our security, to our relationship and marriage.

You know, before we were back in touch I thought I'd love him until the day I die. I don't love him anymore. That love died so long ago, drowned in a bottle of denial. I don't love him anymore, but this still hurts. I'm embarrassed by the divorce, that there's no quiet anonymity anymore with social media, so everyone in our hometown will know, that his AF will spread whatever lies my AH tells about the whole thing. I'm angry, and sad, and hurt. At the end of the day, I don't want to be divorced, but I don't want to be married to this chaotic, hurtful nightmare anymore. Why isn't there an option C where he gets sober and we can have the family we once talked about?
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Old 03-18-2014, 06:43 PM
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I'm so sorry. It's horrible, the whole situation. It's so hard to come to terms with losing those we love when they could change it and make it better. But it sounds like he is abusive and not making effort to quit, you deserve better. I'm struggling with the embarrassment myself even though logically so many people separate and divorce and I never think badly of those who do. I know I need the peace and calm as heartbreaking as it is. Take care of yourself.
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Old 03-18-2014, 06:45 PM
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Thank you so much, Chelsea.
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Old 03-18-2014, 07:35 PM
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Hello HSSH, I'm divorced....my ex apparently developed a drinking problem during and after the divorce. He cheated on me. He divorced me.

It is always a sad time, no matter how you look at it. I hope that the days and weeks to come will bring you peace and joy!
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Old 03-18-2014, 07:37 PM
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Right there beside you. One foot in front of the other. Someone here said feelings aren't facts but then what is love?

I retained a lawyer a month ago. I too don't want a divorce and I too just want my best friend back. For me it won't happen.

If you need to PM me to talk, feel free to.

((((Hugs))))
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Old 03-18-2014, 08:22 PM
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I'm so sorry.... my first time posting and I'm going through something very similar with my RAH. It's heartbreaking because your are losing your dream. Its all for the better and you will be better because of the divorce. Hang in there.
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Old 03-18-2014, 08:40 PM
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I'm considering separation and or divorce right now myself; I understand what your going through , this will be my 2nd alcoholic and it's an awful feeling to have to make that choice.
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Old 03-18-2014, 09:26 PM
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I know, HSSH, sometimes it can be so overwhelmingly sad.

I'm two steps ahead of you in the process of ending my marriage. It's been so gut wrenchingly hard to let go of my hopes for my AH's recovery, but the pride I feel in myself for finally moving forward has made it a bit easier. You're doing something profoundly difficult. Those of us here know that. I hope you can feel the love and support being sent your way.
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Old 03-19-2014, 05:12 AM
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Thank you, HSSH. I can relate to everything in your post, especially this:
At the end of the day, I don't want to be divorced, but I don't want to be married to this chaotic, hurtful nightmare anymore.
I'm sorry, HSSH. I hope we can all find peace and happiness.
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Old 03-19-2014, 05:50 AM
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Why isn't there an option C where he gets sober and we can have the family we once talked about?

There is but HE doesnt "want" to...

If you go back and read what you wrote, you will read a lot about you "want" him to change to make you happy and save you from a percieved social embarrasment. I think accepting a life and being the wife of someone who chooses to abandon you and physically abuse you and all the rest of the horrible things living in an alcoholic abusive relationship would be equally socially humiliating! Sorry I know that sounds harsh. But nothing changes if nothing changes! And you can only change you! Doing yhe same thing over and over expecting a different result is the definition of insanity! You deserve to be happy in life so please dont beat yourself up! Changing your life for the better is way more "prestigious" than rolling over and hiding behind a curtain of percieved shame! You can do it! Divorce the SOB! Because btw...its the only thing you can do!
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Old 03-19-2014, 07:57 AM
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Im right there with you! I am in the process of filing. I just turned in all the paperwork and questionaires to my lawyer. I too just want to be free from the chaos and hurt. But the reality is, it is not going to change for me. My loving partner that I married "left" years ago and was replaced by another person who I dont really even know or like anymore. This is it, take it or leave it and I cant take it anymore so as painful as it is, I have to leave it. If we could will our A's to get better, we wouldnt be here. Unfortunately nothing changes unless something changes.
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Old 03-19-2014, 08:16 AM
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Hi HSSH, option 3 just isn't an option at all because he's in deep denial. The bit about you abusing him, is a symptom. It might be better if he's not fighting the process given his history of physical abuse.
I've been divorced and it is a time for the death of dreams. I was a bit ashamed too. I had a boss who kept saying, 'we're old fashioned, we've been married for XXX years' and it used to really annoy me, like divorce was a fashion. You have to get past that kind of attitude, because you are doing the healthy thing and you need to remember that.
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