Leaving and figuring out how to be ok with it
As I begin this writing, I want to say that I'm not perfect but I have been sober since 10/16/2012. My husband and I were both clean when we met but quickly relapsed. I drank he drank and did a variety of drugs. Over the last year and a half I guess my vision is getting clearer because I see the chaotic insanity of what we call life. We live on a roller coaster. Prior to my sobriety we just took turns on who was up and who was down. Now that I am sober I feel like I just can't do it anymore. For a while he will appear to be doing good but then the lies and deceit are surfaced.
I am writing more for release and catharsis than a.anything but if anyone can relate I would love to hear about it.
During our 6 years married my husband worked maybe a year and a half so I am the working partner. Over the last three months our insurance policy was cancelled due to him not paying the bill. I gave him the money because I believed that he was much better. He is great at creating a ruse and the codependent in me always plays right along. Also our one car that gets me to work has been out of gas 9 times...that I know of. I am getting my licence back in less than 30days so I'll be driving. In addition everything in our home of value is at the pawn shop or scrap yard. We have two dogs so even the dog crates were pawned. We have no stereo, dvd player, kitchen table, the list goes on. Of course that is not my unique situation...its usually what happens. I have been sober and working my program and I feel like its impossible for me to stay in this habitual turmoil. I love the person my husband is but hate his parasite. When I was new to recovery I kept telling myself that I could not expect him to get better on my time table. But now as I look at our broken life I am telling myself to walk away and not look back.
My decision is made, im leaving. The one thing I struggle with is leaving him with nothing. He has no job and what money he makes from side jobs is blown on drugs. His family has stopped enabling him so I am left feeling responsible. Any wisdom on how to move on and see his situation as his ...despite how horrible the outlook. Thanks for reading........