Leaving and figuring out how to be ok with it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
Leaving and figuring out how to be ok with it
As I begin this writing, I want to say that I'm not perfect but I have been sober since 10/16/2012. My husband and I were both clean when we met but quickly relapsed. I drank he drank and did a variety of drugs. Over the last year and a half I guess my vision is getting clearer because I see the chaotic insanity of what we call life. We live on a roller coaster. Prior to my sobriety we just took turns on who was up and who was down. Now that I am sober I feel like I just can't do it anymore. For a while he will appear to be doing good but then the lies and deceit are surfaced.
I am writing more for release and catharsis than a.anything but if anyone can relate I would love to hear about it.
During our 6 years married my husband worked maybe a year and a half so I am the working partner. Over the last three months our insurance policy was cancelled due to him not paying the bill. I gave him the money because I believed that he was much better. He is great at creating a ruse and the codependent in me always plays right along. Also our one car that gets me to work has been out of gas 9 times...that I know of. I am getting my licence back in less than 30days so I'll be driving. In addition everything in our home of value is at the pawn shop or scrap yard. We have two dogs so even the dog crates were pawned. We have no stereo, dvd player, kitchen table, the list goes on. Of course that is not my unique situation...its usually what happens. I have been sober and working my program and I feel like its impossible for me to stay in this habitual turmoil. I love the person my husband is but hate his parasite. When I was new to recovery I kept telling myself that I could not expect him to get better on my time table. But now as I look at our broken life I am telling myself to walk away and not look back.
My decision is made, im leaving. The one thing I struggle with is leaving him with nothing. He has no job and what money he makes from side jobs is blown on drugs. His family has stopped enabling him so I am left feeling responsible. Any wisdom on how to move on and see his situation as his ...despite how horrible the outlook. Thanks for reading........
I am writing more for release and catharsis than a.anything but if anyone can relate I would love to hear about it.
During our 6 years married my husband worked maybe a year and a half so I am the working partner. Over the last three months our insurance policy was cancelled due to him not paying the bill. I gave him the money because I believed that he was much better. He is great at creating a ruse and the codependent in me always plays right along. Also our one car that gets me to work has been out of gas 9 times...that I know of. I am getting my licence back in less than 30days so I'll be driving. In addition everything in our home of value is at the pawn shop or scrap yard. We have two dogs so even the dog crates were pawned. We have no stereo, dvd player, kitchen table, the list goes on. Of course that is not my unique situation...its usually what happens. I have been sober and working my program and I feel like its impossible for me to stay in this habitual turmoil. I love the person my husband is but hate his parasite. When I was new to recovery I kept telling myself that I could not expect him to get better on my time table. But now as I look at our broken life I am telling myself to walk away and not look back.
My decision is made, im leaving. The one thing I struggle with is leaving him with nothing. He has no job and what money he makes from side jobs is blown on drugs. His family has stopped enabling him so I am left feeling responsible. Any wisdom on how to move on and see his situation as his ...despite how horrible the outlook. Thanks for reading........
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
never underestimate the resourcefulness of the addict! he's managed to "survive" the past six years, right? and prior to that? he is capable of securing SOME type of employment. he's the one that lost his job, spent all your money, pawned all the hockables. you aren't leaving him with nothing, he has traded it all away, voluntarily, for drugs.
I get what it's like to have been a using couple and then get clean and have the hope that both STAY clean. he had the opportunity, he just took another route.
your sanity and sobriety now demand you seek a new healthier environment. you are honoring yourself.
I get what it's like to have been a using couple and then get clean and have the hope that both STAY clean. he had the opportunity, he just took another route.
your sanity and sobriety now demand you seek a new healthier environment. you are honoring yourself.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
How is is today is on him, he is responsible for creating an unlivable situation for you. Leaving may be a kindness, maybe facing the consequences of his addiction will give him inspiration to do something about it.
Either way, you didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it and leaving is the wise and healthy thing to do.
Hugs
Either way, you didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it and leaving is the wise and healthy thing to do.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 9
Be prepared for how he will be resourceful. He has spent the last 6 years using you (a woman) to fulfill his needs and survive. This may be the only way he knows how to survive and most likely will find another woman soon after you leave to leach onto. It will be hard to watch and it will hurt like nothing else if he does this, but you will have to understand that you should feel pity for the woman and not look back. I'm only saying this because I've seen it happen more than once. Time will heal all things.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Originally Posted by okee 
Be prepared for how he will be resourceful. He has spent the last 6 years using you (a woman) to fulfill his needs and survive. This may be the only way he knows how to survive and most likely will find another woman soon after you leave to leach onto. It will be hard to watch and it will hurt like nothing else if he does this, but you will have to understand that you should feel pity for the woman and not look back. I'm only saying this because I've seen it happen more than once. Time will heal all things.
Take care of you. Someone said on a different post a bit ago- you can abandon kids or puppies, but not a grown man. That really made sense to me.
Hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
true. you can't abandon a grown man. I have been the best enabler an ah could have ever hoped for but enough! No more playing the victim or fixing...just sobriety and clearly a huge need to continue my alanon work.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 66
nice username 
thanks for the thread, I have similar enabling issues, and I like the phrase about 'can't abandon a grown man'. my soon to be ex H is deep in the phase of looking for another woman to latch onto. He's got a specific woman in mind (he doesn't know I know, the evil ability to facebook stalk), and I bounce between hoping it works and feeling for her. But as his bartender, she must know his history and actually is in a way better position/lifestyle than I ever was to be a good match for him.
thanks for the thread, I have similar enabling issues, and I like the phrase about 'can't abandon a grown man'. my soon to be ex H is deep in the phase of looking for another woman to latch onto. He's got a specific woman in mind (he doesn't know I know, the evil ability to facebook stalk), and I bounce between hoping it works and feeling for her. But as his bartender, she must know his history and actually is in a way better position/lifestyle than I ever was to be a good match for him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
peacesoul thanks. I love these threads because even though I sometimes feel totally alone here at home I have this whole site of people in similar situations.
As far as the enabling goes, I finally realized that I am the one affected most by it. I can give him 5 cents or 500 dollars and its the same he spends it and I'm resentful. So I decided to get off that ride.
Now I am spending my time and money on something healthy. I am still here at the moment but I am not giving another dime to drugs.
As far as the enabling goes, I finally realized that I am the one affected most by it. I can give him 5 cents or 500 dollars and its the same he spends it and I'm resentful. So I decided to get off that ride.
Now I am spending my time and money on something healthy. I am still here at the moment but I am not giving another dime to drugs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
HI,
I just recently left my AH of four years (married two together four, using all) and was in your shoes - do I leave him with nothing? My AH had been off crack (this is the "bad" drug among them all) for about 8 months before I moved out. Because of this, we had our furniture, electronics, etc. Had I stayed with him another 8 months, I would not have had anything to move out, and I knew that. So, I nipped it in the bud.
I felt, like you, horrible for leaving him with nothing and sweeping everything that was mine out of the house. BUT, he's in his 30's and if he doesn't have money in savings for a rainy day or the ability to live on his own, then that's his own damn fault. He LATCHED on to me when he got out of prison and USED every bit of kindness, compassion, and generosity I have to FEED his addiction and provide him the resources he needed to live a seemingly normal and comfortable life.
I have confidence that it will not be long until he finds another woman to mooch off of, somewhere to stay, and all the things I was providing him for so long. I wasn't the first woman he did this to and I know I will not be the last. Neither will you. Leave him and wipe the dust off your feet on the way out. He'll be just fine.
I just recently left my AH of four years (married two together four, using all) and was in your shoes - do I leave him with nothing? My AH had been off crack (this is the "bad" drug among them all) for about 8 months before I moved out. Because of this, we had our furniture, electronics, etc. Had I stayed with him another 8 months, I would not have had anything to move out, and I knew that. So, I nipped it in the bud.
I felt, like you, horrible for leaving him with nothing and sweeping everything that was mine out of the house. BUT, he's in his 30's and if he doesn't have money in savings for a rainy day or the ability to live on his own, then that's his own damn fault. He LATCHED on to me when he got out of prison and USED every bit of kindness, compassion, and generosity I have to FEED his addiction and provide him the resources he needed to live a seemingly normal and comfortable life.
I have confidence that it will not be long until he finds another woman to mooch off of, somewhere to stay, and all the things I was providing him for so long. I wasn't the first woman he did this to and I know I will not be the last. Neither will you. Leave him and wipe the dust off your feet on the way out. He'll be just fine.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
I understand. Even if you left him with money in the bank, a place to live and a car....it would soon be gone. The beast isn't asleep. It's wide awake and willing to take it ALL.
Yes, he is grown and resourceful (most addicts are) and he will figure out his way.
Yes, he is grown and resourceful (most addicts are) and he will figure out his way.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
understand. Even if you left him with money in the bank, a place to live and a car....it would soon be gone.
So true!!! Everyone who has doubts about leaving an addict with nothing need to read that.
So true!!! Everyone who has doubts about leaving an addict with nothing need to read that.
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