Originally Posted by
iamthird 
I am the intruder in this forum. Usually post in F&F but I am losing sleep tonight. In a dark place and I am just trying to understand why my separated AH chooses this life. Have been separated for almost 2 years and he will never fully let me go. I try so hard to detach but we share a 5 year old and we have to see each other daily due to work schedules. I just want a simple understanding from those who struggle with what he is bound by...at the time when you are still actively drinking do you think about the pain your wife and children are facing? What do you do with all of that? I am strong for the most part but tonight I am restless thinking of him and how he has demolished us and how I have allowed it and the feelings are so raw. Help me understand, please.
I'm not married or have any children but I lost my boyfriend of 6 years because of my drinking. For me, my attitude was, oh, just have a couple, you can handle it. That always turns into a disaster, especially because I blackout. So, why did I keep doing it? I liked the way it made me physically and emotionally. I drank most of the time to numb myself from my life. After a while it turned into I needed to drink to avoid withdrawals because, let me tell you, detoxing is god freaking awful. For me, I wasn't thinking about the consequences of my actions only the feeling I got from drinking. I had ultimatums given to me until my boyfriend left almost a year ago but I kept drinking. I finally reached the point when I said enough is enough.
I really hope your husband reaches that point soon and I'm truly sorry for the pain you and your children are going through.
** edit So, to answer your question, no, I was never thinking about anyone other than myself.