Lovenjoy,
I'm sending you hugs and prayers tonight. I read your post and thought...that's so similar to how I've been feeling...and you'll see from some of my posts that at times I appear to have come so far (well, maybe not this week, lol). I truly believe that I have, but there is so much more left that I'm still uncovering. This is complicated, this is hard, and as I'm learning...this is LONG. Don't give yourself a timeframe.
As others have said, the inner work takes time. And massive amounts of patience.
I will never understand how one day I can be "fine", and the next day I feel like I'm robotically barely making it, practically wishing the car would drive itself off of a cliff. I get so frustrated because it appears nothing has changed to make the day go so differently. And it scares me.
I can tell you that I likely needed a counselor long before I finally went. I was afraid of going because I didn't want to rehash the past, I wanted to move on. Once there I have been forced to work through my own remaining denial (and I'm not done). I realized I actually have to feel worse sometimes to truly get better, and that there are some aspects of the past that require more attention. And I'm still scared of how I feel sometimes.
Yuck.
For me it took a friend handing me an abuse counselor's number she'd gotten from a friend and begging me to at least try it. Because for me, the thought of finding a counselor was one of the most daunting things. I didn't have the energy to "shop" for one, and I didn't trust myself to pick one anyway. Sounds silly. Felt monumental. So I let someone else take care of that piece.
One day at a time.
Trying one can't hurt?
((((((((Hugs!)))))))))