JessicaNAJ

I basically grew up feeling unloved. Although I know my mom loves me, I always felt I had to do better and take care of things better. I felt I had to prove that I can take care of things myself. And prove I can be successful. I also felt, as a child, that I had to "fix" my mom - cheer her up and not act up because I might hurt her feelings. I had to make her happy.

I'm not really as good at words those before me, so I thought I would tell you some things I've done that I considered to be caretaking and how I realize now it could have been handled differently....

I was 16 when I met my AH. He was a sad case even back then. I used to sit in front of my AH and try to make him smile. I wanted so badly to be the one that made him happy. (Now I know I cannot make him happy, he has to do that himself.)

I always made sure I got what HE wanted from the drive thru or grocery store. If he said "I don't know" or "Whatever". I should have left it at that and gotten him whatever I wanted or nothing at all, but I kept asking until I got an answer

He rarely told me if he was out of cologne or deoderant so I'd check to see if he needed more. ( I should have left him stinking...lol)

I would call on my way home from somewhere, no matter how tired I was, to see if he needed anything. And if he did, I would stop and get it.

I didn't go out on the weekends (I didn't trust him to not drink while he was watching the kids) this only gave him more freedom to drink.

I would stay on top of his appointments and court dates and anything else that was HIS responsibility to take care of. (Not my place to do that.)

I work at the Jail, when he was arrested for his third DUI - I helped him get a 3 for 1 -not because I needed him at home, but because I knew how horrible it must have been for him in there.(like I really know how bad he thinks it is.)

I paid all the bills - even a credit card he took out after I told him I wasn't going to pay for it.

I gave him $40-$80 a week even though that money could have been used for grocery's (I got most of his check so I could pay our bills).

If his socks had holes in them, I would make sure I bought him some more - even though he didn't tell me he needed more.

All of this stuff I initially did because I wanted to. I wanted to help and let him know that I cared enough to help. But npw I realize I wasn't helping him at all. All I was doing was enabling him.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, unless he asks for it, don't do it.

Big hugs to you... I can't wait to hear about some examples your counselor gives you. I might learn more caretaking I've done or am still doing...lol