Out of the frying pan and into the fire
Well, here goes-
Begin an interest in sobriety and AA in Feb/2009, finally got sober Jan/2010, and picked up a 1 year chip I'm 2011, and a 2 year chip in 2012.
Only...I wasn't clean, sober yes, but not clean.
Pot, Xanax, Oxys.
all the while posting on this board, speaking in AA meetings, sponsoring other men, leading discussions, dating sober women, all while high on pot pills.
I was pulling it off until all of a sudden I wasn't pulling it off. Got caught in trouble with family, got caught in trouble with work, got caught in trouble with my sober friends.
So once again, fired, broken up with, disgraced, cast away, ashamed, pathetic, and scared. So down the spiral I went, **** it, now I'm stealing meds, doing coke, hereon, and slid back into meth (oh and drinking too).
I haven't been to my home group in quite some time. I'm doing meth, hiding out, isolated, most days. I've never been more alone, or this poor (huge scary debt), more ashamed (DEEP, to your BONES, shame), or more ignored and/or left behind, and in best case, tolerated at a distance, by my friends and family.
I've left out some huge events that happened and certainly some details, but can share those later.
I am my own problem.
I am unable to live a reasonably happy life on my own.
I am scared. Like scared of my life and for it at the same time.
I am not able to socialize, work with, or love another human being.
I am a lier.
I am a thief.
I am a con artist.
I am selfish.
I am letting so many down, allowing (by my ways), so many feel unhealthily thought and emotions. And just simply losing a lot of people.
I don't know how to get better or don't know how I'm going to get better. I cannot see it. I may believe that it doesn't exist.
So there you have it.
Kjell