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Out of the frying pan and into the fire

Old 03-09-2014, 09:25 PM
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i've done my almost
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Out of the frying pan and into the fire

Well, here goes-

Begin an interest in sobriety and AA in Feb/2009, finally got sober Jan/2010, and picked up a 1 year chip I'm 2011, and a 2 year chip in 2012.

Only...I wasn't clean, sober yes, but not clean.

Pot, Xanax, Oxys.

all the while posting on this board, speaking in AA meetings, sponsoring other men, leading discussions, dating sober women, all while high on pot pills.

I was pulling it off until all of a sudden I wasn't pulling it off. Got caught in trouble with family, got caught in trouble with work, got caught in trouble with my sober friends.

So once again, fired, broken up with, disgraced, cast away, ashamed, pathetic, and scared. So down the spiral I went, **** it, now I'm stealing meds, doing coke, hereon, and slid back into meth (oh and drinking too).

I haven't been to my home group in quite some time. I'm doing meth, hiding out, isolated, most days. I've never been more alone, or this poor (huge scary debt), more ashamed (DEEP, to your BONES, shame), or more ignored and/or left behind, and in best case, tolerated at a distance, by my friends and family.

I've left out some huge events that happened and certainly some details, but can share those later.

I am my own problem.
I am unable to live a reasonably happy life on my own.
I am scared. Like scared of my life and for it at the same time.
I am not able to socialize, work with, or love another human being.
I am a lier.
I am a thief.
I am a con artist.
I am selfish.
I am letting so many down, allowing (by my ways), so many feel unhealthily thought and emotions. And just simply losing a lot of people.

I don't know how to get better or don't know how I'm going to get better. I cannot see it. I may believe that it doesn't exist.

So there you have it.

Kjell
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Old 03-09-2014, 09:32 PM
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well sounds like you have learned what I finally learned (the hard way)
I was not totally sober until I also stopped taking all other things



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Old 03-09-2014, 09:35 PM
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Honesty is a great start KJell
Maybe you need to do that in real life too?

I'm sorry for what you're putting yourself through, but I'm glad you're back

D
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Old 03-10-2014, 05:19 PM
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Thx Mountain and Dee.
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Old 03-10-2014, 05:24 PM
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I'm glad you're back, giving it another go.
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Old 03-10-2014, 05:34 PM
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Kjell, I must tell you I'm astonished and impressed with your honesty. I believe getting all that out can unburden you a bit. SR will always be a place to welcome you open arms.
It's time to dig deep and walk the walk and not just talk the talk.

I'm really glad you're here! Heart felt welcome home!
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Old 03-10-2014, 05:37 PM
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Give your all to your higher being and fight as hard as he will for you. BLESSED ARE THE FAITHFUL. Keep your head up.
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Old 03-10-2014, 06:15 PM
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welcome...

you can turn this around Kjell.

Start right now.

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Old 03-10-2014, 06:18 PM
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Start by making a NEW list of "I AM's"

We become what we envision and believe.... put your faith in a higher power, even if to start with it's just this board....

Try out "I AM a loving, giving soul deserving happiness"

how about "I AM walking the path of sobriety, recovery, clean-living"

maybe "I AM clean and sober"

or "I AM a model of hope to others who still suffer"

Make a new list.... and begin to live it.

Right now.

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Old 03-10-2014, 09:16 PM
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Thank you, everyone.

Good suggestions, great ones too!

I can't seem to get both feet off the merry-go-round, and when I do, and faill and hurt myself, I'll lay on the concreate for a bit, while crowds of indifferent or cruel people walk over me, then pick myself back up, dust myself off, and run as fast as I can to jump back on that merry-go-round.

...and over...and over...and over...and over...and over...and over...and over...and over

So do I just die to get off and stay off? Or is there another way?

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Old 03-10-2014, 09:45 PM
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I liked your analogy. That's how I feel. I don't understand why the merry go round looks so fun but just gets you sick instead.
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Old 03-10-2014, 11:37 PM
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You can call for help...
You can step off into the waiting arms of folks who want to help, and never look back Kjell.

You need to stop projecting what will happen tho. Honestly, right now you have no idea, man.

Asking for help may just be the best thing you ever do for yourself.

D
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