Queen,
I think there is a lot of truth shared in this thread. I have been working on 'getting to know myself' for nine months now.
It is exciting.
And it is important.
And it is fun too.
So I want you to know I am happy to hear you are starting along this path of discovery.
I call it the 'All About Me' time, because it started here on the forum when Gabe told me to write a post that was all about me, what I liked and didn't like, since all I ever posted about was what my AH did or how my daughter felt. I never talked about me.
I was like you, I was so focused on being caretaker and feeling like a victim.
I have told people "It's All About Me" now, and I let them share in my small moments of triumph. I make jokes that I am in training to be selfish. LOL!
But those who know me well know exactly how bizarre that sounds, because I have never put myself first. So I say I am making up for lost time. :-)
As far as something in my childhood, I believe for me it goes back to being one of the kids not popular in school. I didn't join activities or sports, I got all A's so that bothered other kids... and also I believe I had a really serious social anxiety that made me feel an outcast even when it was mostly in my head. I always felt awkward, I was sometimes made fun of, and I eventually learned to latch onto one best friend. I never felt good enough, and would gladly play any game or go anywhere a friend wanted to just to have that friend.
As I grew into high school I became rather attractive so I replaced best friends with steady boyfriends. I tended to go with guys who needed me, or made me feel really special.
I found that worked best when I was so much smarter than they, or so much prettier than they ever deserved, you get the idea. So I could feel secure. But then I eventually would grow annoyed with the very things about them that made me too good for them, and I'd try to change them.
My AH was just another one of those. Since I was truly out of his league, he was genuinely lucky to have me and therefore I could feel secure.
Duh.
I know now that my two marriages didn't work because in both cases those situations ended the way we all know they do, I move from feeling like the rescuer... secure, needed and loved, into feeling used, taken for granted, and wondering why I don't deserve better than what I settled for.
So I am getting to know me so I can see these patterns in my behavior and try to change them. It seems only fair to the men out there that I stop me. LOL!!!!!