prodigal

I completely relate to what you've just said about your role of caretaker. If not a caretaker, then WHAT? Who are you? Okay, here's my question to you (and let's leave AH out of this completely): When you were a child did any member of your family shame you or control you or make you feel stupid and/or inadequate?

My reason for asking is I found out through LOTS of therapy that I have a self but I cannot identify it! Thus, I glom onto addicts, abusers, nut-cases, married-men, women-haters ... you name it, I've been involved with it. As long as my focus is on the latest dysfunctional goof I'm involved with, I don't have to find me. My identity is manifested by my anger at the person I'm involved with (read that to mean I'm in victim-mode most of the time).

How did I get that way? My parents could not stand me and didn't want me. They needed me, but for all the wrong, sick reasons. I was the toxic waste dump they spilled their self-hatred and dislike for one another into. I was not allowed to be a child - I was a miniature adult! To this day, I'm still struggling to feel comfortable with the SELF I am - and if I really felt comfortable with WHO I AM I wouldn't be hanging around with an addict and finding I oftentimes need to defend mySELF and stand up for who I think I am.

Bottom line: I've wasted waaayyyy too much of my life trying to convince emotionally-unavailable addicts that I am lovable! Talk about a sick way to find myself!

Hang in there, Q. It's a blessing that AH isn't going to the counselor. Now you can begin the journey of finding out what a unique and wonderful person you are and discover all your talents that you have to give to people who will genuinely appreciate you!