First, I want to thank you all for such kind words and support. I've been reading all your posts over and over the last few days, not knowing quite what to say or how to respond, but I'm so thankful to have found this place... you all have no idea. I guess I'm just at a really depressed point right now and angry at myself because I feel myself slipping back into his BS. Of course it's been the weekdays and he's been overly nice and attentive. He knows I have one foot out the door and he's been telling me how he can't live without me and blah blah blah. I'm so disgusted by myself because I really want to hold on to what I know and not what he's feeding into my head, but it's so hard
I will share, it was our anniversary last Tuesday... And you know, that bastard didn't do anything! No card, no flowers, no dinner! He doesn't love me, I should be able to see that clearly, right? But it hurts so bad because I keep thinking if I tried a little harder or if I was more pleasant... I know, I know, I can't change him and I am not responsible for him. It's so much easier to know these yuk ha than to act on them.
I appreciate the encouragement to call the DV hotlines, but honestly... I actually work with them all and know the Directors personally. I'm too embarressed. It should make it easier, but I don't want them to find out. I'm not sure how it would affect my job... The one and only thing I have control over and is going well.
My family is getting the house fixed up and gently pushing me, but I feel immobilized to make the move. I feel immobilized period! I feel like I can't make any choices, like my whole world is rocking and I just need to stabilize so I can think straight. I'm a mess... This really isn't who I am. I am NOT this person, so why is it so hard to grab the reins??
This whole week, I've been watching and listening to the videos I mentioned in my original post, forcing myself to remember why because I feel like towards the end of every week he makes me forget and hope for change. But, the weekend is here... I'm sure by Monday I'll be right back to where I was when I posted earlier. This is sick sick sick! I mean, this man has really got my mind twisted into thinking this is normal!
I have my bug-out bag packed at all times and ready to leave with the necessities... I learned that a long time ago. And I always have somewhere to go. Maybe that's my problem, I'm always sure that I have a temporary safe haven so the urgency to leave isn't as strong as I know it should be.
I haven't posted since the original one because I feel guilty for having thoughts if staying. I've already got my friends and family on this roller coaster and feel bad for putting anyone else on it too. I don't talk to my friends and family about this, I have a strong support system, but they've also stopped prying because I think they think I'll isolate myself even more if they push too hard. Which is true I guess. I'm normally very strong and independent and hate to feel helpless or have someone pity me. It's a disgusting position and I loathe myself every day for this crap.
I guess I just want you all to know I am trying to keep myself together at this point, not have a complete meltdown or end up being the next subject of a Snapped episode! Ugh! I need to think, really think and make a choice. It just makes me so sad that I have to do this and my life isn't the fairy tale happiness I thought it would/could be.