Crossroads: Should I Leave Or Stay?

Old 03-05-2014, 04:48 PM
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Crossroads: Should I Leave Or Stay?

It’s my first time posting, but I’ve been reading through others posts and just crying, relating, and some more crying. I need help, I need advice, I need strength, I need SOMETHING!

I’ve been married to my AH three years and it has been a dream and a nightmare, a rollercoaster ride that I’m just sick to my stomach of being on. I’m not perfect, I like to drink too, but the monster he becomes is a whole different level. And I’m so confused because I feel like he’s in my head, confusing me, twisting things around, making me feel guilty, rekindling the love I have for him, blaming me, flat out making me feel CRAZY! I don’t want or even know how to talk to my friends and family anymore about this, they know, they think I’m stupid for staying and I no longer want to open up because I feel stupid for continuing to stay after everything and I feel guilty for dragging them along on this ride from hell. They’ve cried with me, for me, been angry with me, but mostly just angry at him.

This is coming out all jumbled, I feel like I haven’t opened up about any of this and now everything is just spilling out incoherently. Okay, let me back up…

I knew my AH in high school, we dated for a time, but went our separate ways to college. We saw each other twice in our early twenties and it was friendly, but it wasn’t until we ran into each other five years ago that our relationship rekindled. We both had just gotten out of bad relationships (mine was, but I’m starting to think his was due to his own making) and found solace in each other and we had fun. It was like I was a teenager again. We brought each other back to a different time and got to know each other all over. It was great, I was riding high and granted there was a lot of drinking and going out. I should’ve seen the signs, but I ignored them because I only let myself believe the fairytale I kept telling myself. The first time he put his hands on me he was so wasted, he backhanded me across the face because I told him to slow down and then proceeded to drag me outside by my hair when I fell. The next morning he was so sorry and claimed to have blacked-out and didn’t remember a thing. I believed him, I thought it was an anomaly. For the next two-years it got worse and worse.

It culminated into a day when he went out with friends and I was out with mine. I got a phone call from him at 2:00 in the morning that he was taking a cab home, but he was incoherent and angry. I decided I better meet him at the house, but on my way home I got another call from him. He was pissed, the cab driver let him out on the side of the freeway because he was so drunk and belligerent that he kicked him out the cab. He was yelling at me to come pick him up and (regretfully) I did. When I did he was so out of it that he grabbed me by my hair while I was driving and proceeded to tell me how he was going to kill me once we got home. He repeatedly punched me in the face and choked me (WHILE I was driving). I was crying, I was scared, but I didn’t know what to do. When I pulled into the driveway I made a break for it. I started to run down the street, but he caught me in front of a neighbors house and proceeded to wail on me. The neighbors came out and he stopped, they saved my life. I managed to run back to the car and drove off while he was distracted by the neighbor. I went to my cousin’s house all black and blue. It was bad, I looked horrible and beaten from head to toe. My mom came over, my friends came over, eventually my whole family was there begging me to call the police, but I didn’t. I was scared of what would happen to him, I didn’t want him to go to jail. My parents even ended up calling his parents who came over and cried once they saw me. THEY even told me to call the police and report him, but I didn’t do anything. Obviously, I went back because he promised, he cried, he blamed it on the alcohol, he said he barely remembered anything.

Since that day it hasn’t ever gotten that bad. There’s been some incidents where he’s grabbed me by the throat, pushed me, threw me, smacked me around a bit, but nothing that bad. UGH… I can’t even stand myself for typing this, I’m reading what I’m writing and I sound SO PATHETIC! How did this happen to me?? He’s went through periods where he stopped drinking and things were so great, but it always starts up again. He binge drinks for the entire weekend and doesn’t remember anything. He yells at me, calls me all kinds of name, tells me I’m all types of vile things, and says the most evil things you can imagine. And, I’ve stayed. I kept telling myself he’s getting better, it’s not like it was, a little more time and maybe I’ll be rid of all his bad behaviors. When my guy cousins and brothers look at me I can tell they pity me, they think I’m weak, they always ask what happened to the strong and confident sister they’ve always known.

I’m a shell of myself, I haven’t been happy in years, I feel lost, dead inside. I find myself drinking with him just to numb the pain, just to be able to deal with his drunkenness. And since I do, he tells me I’m a hypocrite because I drink and he’s a grown man who can do what he wants. He tells me I’m delusional and over-exaggerate situations. So, I decided to videotape him to show him. The first time I did it he was so apologetic and couldn’t believe what an a** he was, but that quickly because a lost cause. Now he gets mad when I try and show him what happened the night before. He tells me I’m trying to set him up, that I want to put him away, and I’m a evil b**** of a wife.

Let me say, he’s not like this all the time. During the week when he has to work and he’s sober, he’s perfect, he’s my best friend and I love him to death. But, the weekends are a different story. The past two months every weekend I’ve been staying at my parents house. I’ve told him that when he starts drinking at 7:00 in the morning, I’m leaving and I won’t be back until he’s sober. This only means that I end up having to stay away all weekend long. At least I’m safe and my nerves are a little better. He tells me I’m being a lame b***** for telling him what to do and I should be happy because he stopped putting his hands on me! Well, he hasn’t put his hands on me because I leave the house for days at a time to make sure that doesn’t happen!

Whoa… this is getting long, sorry and thank you to anyone who’s read this far. I needed to vent, I needed to let this out, I needed to see it in writing to force myself to see the truth. I’m at a crossroads, I have an opportunity to leave. I have a house that my family is offering me just to get away from him so I have somewhere to go (how pathetic am I that they need to bribe me??). But, I’m scared. I’m scared of losing him, I’m scared of what will happen to him. He can’t afford the house we’re in now without me. I feel trapped because I know he’s going to screw me. My credit is ruined, I’m in debt up to my eyeballs (all in my name), and I’m worried about how he’s going to survive.

Someone, anyone… advice? What do I do? How do you get over the guilt of leaving? How do you turn your heart off? How do I break away?
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Old 03-05-2014, 04:57 PM
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Welcome to SR, SiRiDiPiTi. I am SO sorry for what has happened to you. You will find a lot of support here.

I really don't mean to sound harsh, but sweetheart, he will kill you one day if you don't get out now. Please call the Domestic Abuse Hotline and they can put you in touch with a local DV office which can help you get away safely.

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Your family is willing to help you and give you a place to stay while you get yourself together. He will survive. He survived before and he'll survive this time. This is nothing to mess around with. He will kill you.
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Old 03-05-2014, 05:03 PM
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siR---you can get the help you need right now--from those who understand---by calling the DV center (via suki's number)----and ask for immediate help/counseling. Tell them just what you told us. They deal with this every day--and their goal is to help you.

You need help. You don't have to live like this. You have a choice--and you are NOT alone.

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Old 03-05-2014, 05:05 PM
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http://www.fullerton.edu/universityb...ine%20List.pdf

Above is a link to a comprehensive list of DV hotlines in California. PLEASE call them and let them help you.
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Old 03-05-2014, 06:55 PM
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Hi

Welcome to the forum. I know that it took a lot of courage for you to come here and post your story. It took a lot from me when I started to talk to people also. I remember once I belonged to a forum, not this one, it was for verbal abuse, and I would become embarrassed that I was on the forum for over a year, and still did nothing to better my life. So I quit the forum, and I started to isolate myself, and that is the worst thing that I could have done. I had no one to talk to anymore, I felt like I had no support.

I called the DV hotline, I called it several times. Everything you say is confidential, sometimes after or during the arguments I just needed some validation, anything, your H can make you feel like you are the crazy one, the way they twist things and blame things on you.

One thing that I had to do was not to blame his behavior on the alcohol. Yes, alcohol can increase bad behavior, but it is still bad behavior. I had to realize that his problems were much more then alcoholism. In the beginning, he was drunk when he would treat me in abusive ways, but it started to also happen when he was not drinking.

The one thing that really jumped out at me in your post is that he said..... you should be happy that he stopped putting his hands on you. wth? He has no remorse whatsoever for his physical abuse, never mind the verbal abuse, and emotional abuse.

Take that house that your family is offering to you now, you need to get away from twisting things, and blaming you. I think you need a vacation from these things to that you can have time to think about what you want, and how you feel, and what you want in your life.

I really feel that at times I was somewhat brainwashed by my ex. Always constantly worrying about him, and how he feeling, walking on eggshells, trying not to set him off.

Please keep posting here. We care.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
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Old 03-05-2014, 07:16 PM
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Hi can I call you Siri for short? I could feel you becoming much more aware of your situation as you told your story, and I hope this has caused you to step back and see a clear path for yourself.
There is no question that for your own physical safety you must remove yourself permanently from this relationship. It's common for victims of DV to be so caught up in survival mode that they can't take the obvious actions to protect themselves.
One huge plus is that the abuse isn't a secret, so you'll have lots of support from your family. I second the previous posters who have urged you to call a DV helpline for expert advice. This may involve getting a restraining order against your AH to stop him contacting you in any way, and attempting to intimidate you. Once you have an order in place the police can remove him without other reasons. This is an important step because it's very possible he'll try to lure you back with promises of reform, tell you he loves you, can't live without you and so on.
How he copes once you're gone is not your problem. You must concentrate on your own recovery, tackling your debts and re-building your life.
I know it's easy for me to say, but you sound as if you're ready to take action now, and I hope you find the courage. All the best.
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Old 03-05-2014, 07:26 PM
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I have tears reading your post. I truly pray you act on your own behalf and leave this person.
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Old 03-05-2014, 08:24 PM
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I agree. Call the DV hotline. Keep reasoning things out with others who offer you support. It's difficult in these sorts of relationships because while the lows are so low, the highs are so high & it makes it harder to gain perspective. You may wonder who is the real him? But I also agree, that although the people are different, DV usually has certain predictable patterns. It sounds like, from what you are saying, that he is starting to rationalize his behavior when drunk more & more when he is sober? This is a man with some severe emotional issues & you are not safe with him. If it were your child who were with this man, what would your advice be to her? Would you tell her to stay or leave? It sounds like you are filming him in these blackout rages to convince him, but the thing is, he is not capable at this point to be convinced because he too sick & you CANNOT help him. The best thing you can do for him is to leave. I am not saying this bc I think you should be focused on him at all, just that it sounds like you are partly staying bc of concern for him over your own safety. Take care of you. It doesn't get better staying with a man with rage issues, who is in active addiction who is getting no kind of help, it gets much worse as the disease progresses & their rage takes over. Please don't stay & let this man kill you. It's time to go.
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Old 03-06-2014, 06:28 AM
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Since that day it hasn’t ever gotten that bad. There’s been some incidents where he’s grabbed me by the throat, pushed me, threw me, smacked me around a bit, but nothing that bad. UGH… I can’t even stand myself for typing this, I’m reading what I’m writing and I sound SO PATHETIC! How did this happen to me?? He’s went through periods where he stopped drinking and things were so great, but it always starts up again. He binge drinks for the entire weekend and doesn’t remember anything. He yells at me, calls me all kinds of name, tells me I’m all types of vile things, and says the most evil things you can imagine. And, I’ve stayed. I kept telling myself he’s getting better, it’s not like it was, a little more time and maybe I’ll be rid of all his bad behaviors. When my guy cousins and brothers look at me I can tell they pity me, they think I’m weak, they always ask what happened to the strong and confident sister they’ve always known.

I’m a shell of myself, I haven’t been happy in years, I feel lost, dead inside. I find myself drinking with him just to numb the pain, just to be able to deal with his drunkenness. And since I do, he tells me I’m a hypocrite because I drink and he’s a grown man who can do what he wants. He tells me I’m delusional and over-exaggerate situations. So, I decided to videotape him to show him. The first time I did it he was so apologetic and couldn’t believe what an a** he was, but that quickly because a lost cause. Now he gets mad when I try and show him what happened the night before. He tells me I’m trying to set him up, that I want to put him away, and I’m a evil b**** of a wife.

Let me say, he’s not like this all the time. During the week when he has to work and he’s sober, he’s perfect, he’s my best friend and I love him to death. But, the weekends are a different story. The past two months every weekend I’ve been staying at my parents house. I’ve told him that when he starts drinking at 7:00 in the morning, I’m leaving and I won’t be back until he’s sober. This only means that I end up having to stay away all weekend long. At least I’m safe and my nerves are a little better. He tells me I’m being a lame b***** for telling him what to do and I should be happy because he stopped putting his hands on me! Well, he hasn’t put his hands on me because I leave the house for days at a time to make sure that doesn’t happen!


Wow. I had to take a pause before responding because you could be telling my story. I endured similar abuse for five years from my ex. Coming from a perspective of one who waited too long to leave- this does not get better. Two more years are two more years of pain and abuse that you do not deserve. The "great guy" he is during the week and the "weekend monster" are the same man. The weekend binges will begin to spill over into the week, that's just the progressive nature of alcoholism.
Sounds like you have one foot out the door already. You don't feel safe in your own home. You deserve peace and safety. Sounds like you have some family support already. If you're ready to start making an exit plan, I would encourage you to do so. Priority #1 is your safety, so keep that foremost in your mind. Maybe have your guy cousins there to help you move so that you're not alone with your husband. Make a bug-out bag with all the important papers/documents you might need in case you have to leave in a hurry.
I will be thinking of you. Please take care. You can be safe and happy and free. I left seven months ago and haven't looked back.
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Old 03-06-2014, 06:59 AM
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Get out, immediately. It will accellerate. He is a drunken abuser. Save yourself.
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Old 03-06-2014, 10:34 AM
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Hi, SiRi... I would print out your post that I'm sure it took much courage to write. Keep it in your pocket at all times and read it whenever you get those twinges of guilt, "love" (that's not love, btw), whatever that keeps you from staying away from that dangerous, ungrateful person. Also keep it as evidence for the police, as from what he sounds like, he is capable of anything. Get to know your abuse hotlines and hideaways just in case. And for gosh sakes, get a restraining order or some kind of paper trail with the law in place before he strikes. And keep posting. We will help and support you in any way we can.
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Old 03-06-2014, 10:53 AM
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Welcome, SiRi,

I'm so glad that you found this site today and took the step to post. I have no experience with your situation so will be brief, but wanted to tell you that your story brought tears to my eyes as no person should ever endure what you have. I'm so glad that you have supportive family and friends and I would strongly encourage you to take advantage of this opportunity they are giving you in this new home. Good for you to get out of your home on the weekends. Please take care of yourself. Please take advantage of the available help, including the many here that can offer invaluable experience. Again, welcome, my thoughts & prayers are with you.
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Old 03-06-2014, 11:45 AM
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Welcome!!!

First, the good news:
How do you get over the guilt of leaving? How do you turn your heart off? How do I break away?
You do get over it.
How?
You do by educating yourself about alcoholism. Through going to Al-Anon and therapy and reading and posting here. When you do, you learn that he is an adult and you are not responsible for him. You learn that codependency is a term used for that feeling you have of being crazy. It's caused by living with an addict. You learn that codependency does make you a bit crazy, but that it's curable. But takes work and time.

However -- when I read your post, I think that his alcoholism is not your biggest problem. The fact that he is incredibly abusive is. And that's not a problem that can wait for a solution. You can find solutions to lingering emotional pain later. Right now, you need to make sure you survive.

I was married to an abusive alcoholic. He never tried to kill me (although he raped me and several times threatened to kill me). Being the victim of an abusive man does not make you stupid. That's something you need to tell yourself every day. The shame and how it makes you isolate yourself from the people who love you and are trying to help you is dangerous and lethal.

You did not cause this. Neither his drinking nor his abuse.

You asked how you turn your heart off and break away.
I did it by realizing that if I stayed, I would die. And I didn't want that.

You may feel like utter crap. You may cry. You may be anxious. You may question your decision to leave. All that is normal. But the good thing with leaving an abuser is that you are alive to deal with all of that.

I left four years ago.
Today, I can honestly say I have never been happier.
It took a lot of work. Therapy. Moving. Changing my habits, my life. Multiple court hearings. Four years of antidepressants and anti anxiety medication.

Today, my abusive ex-husband is out of my life. I'm no longer on medication. I have a great job, I'm remarried to a great guy, the kids are better for every day. I have the life I dreamed of. The one I didn't think I deserved. The one I didn't think was possible.

There are so many of us here who have gotten out of situations like yours and lived to rebuild our lives and love and be happy again. It is possible. I just want you to know that.
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Old 03-06-2014, 12:33 PM
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My xah is abusive, and it's only after 18 months of complete separation and as much no contact as possible, that I am returning to myself. It's like part of me was so afraid, I went away. That's what being a shell of your former self means. It happened to my children, too.

You don't realize so well what they've been doing to you til they are out of your life.

This guy is going to kill you unless you get. Out. Now.

Please make a safety plan with a domestic violence counsellor. Today. They will walk you through it. I have talked lots to those folks. They get it.

Please put your trust in them. It isn't the booze making your A violent. He is violent, and he happens to be alcoholic. I used to focus on xah's alcoholism. Because I couldn't cope knowing he was also just plain abusive. So there was no hope for my happy family dream. He was going to keep being abusive.

The abuse got worse over our 17 year marriage until I was so terrified for my children, as well as myself, that I brought in the police. The police help. I can be at my village police station in five minutes on foot. I've walked myself over there a few times.

If it helps, think of yourself as a young girl, or sister. Do for yourself what you would do for them. Call the dv hotline. Please.

((((((((Hugs)))))))))
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Old 03-06-2014, 12:53 PM
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I need to tell you, you don't sound pathetic. You sound like you are reaching out and that you have buried things for so long that it is just all coming to the surface all at once. The lies they tell us and the blame they give us, just keep us right there. With me, I just kept trying to fix myself and fix myself, I knew I couldn't fix him, but I could fix me. I could make me better for him, and once I do that all this stuff will stop.

I was married once before, that one was also abusive, but omg, need to say this, this marriage made my first one look desirable. It's the mind games they play with you, the push you, pull you. Putting you on a pedestal, then you are the worst person ever, the cause of all of their problems. You're the greatest one day, then the b!tch from h3ll the next.

I tried to figure things out, tried to figure out the right way to say things to him so he didn't take me the wrong way. After all if I could just figure out how to tell him something the right way without him thinking I was attacking him, things will work out.

The drinking, I did this also. I drank to numb myself, to just make everything go away and stop, to stop hearing his voice in my head as to what rotten disgusting b!tch I was. I spent many nights in my garage, sleeping in my car, drinking and numbing myself. Gotta say, those were the best and worst times. The best because it shut up his voice in my head. I was away from him, I was able to think clearer. I was able to see that this is not what I want. I made plans for how to get away. Now for the worst. I was too drunk to do anything about anything then !!!!! It also gave me false courage !!!!! It also loosened up my mouth. After all I was in a locked car. (lol). That false courage could have gotten me killed.

But the next day I would wake up, and my situation didn't change, I didn't do anything about, I was still walking on eggshells trying to not upset him again.

It's not so bad !!!!!!!!! ??????????????????????? (what?)

I'm sure you heard the story of the frog. If you put a frog into boiling water, the frog will jump right out, but if you put the frog in cold water and slowly heat up the water, the frog gets use to it, I guess till it's so hot that he dies.

This is what happens in these r/s. It starts out slowly, once you get use to something, it heats up even more, you get use to that, it gets worse.

So this happened to me for years and years and years. By the time I went to the DV shelter, I was ashamed and embarrassed to try to take this help for me, when there were so many out there that had it worse then me. Then a strange thing happened, as I was telling my story at the shelter, the woman I was speaking to started to tear up. Now I started to think that this woman was oversensitive and maybe she shouldn't be doing this job if something like what happened to me would bother her !!!! No, that wasn't true at all. I was being conditioned to accept the unacceptable. Think Stockholm Syndrome.

I saw a Dr the next day, he prescribed anti depressants, and meds for anxiety.

When I finally got around to seeing lawyers, (I had seen 3), when they wanted to know what I was going through, all of them had tears in their eyes, and 2 of them were men. So, maybe it was worse then I thought it was !!!!! You see, he didn't hit me that much.

I was married for over 27 years. The abuse got progressively worse. I am now out 5 years, and divorced 3 years. I didn't want a divorce, I wanted to make that marriage work, I became obsessed with that. When I left, I thought I loved him, but when I think back to that period of time, I think it was my obsession with trying to makes things better, and my need for validation.

I had developed PTSD, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, depression.

I'm a lot better now, maybe not all the way there yet, but getting there.

I know that you read here today, I saw a "thanks" that you put up. There are a lot of us here that have been where you are now. I'm reaching out my hands to you right now, to support you, validate you, and to give you ((((((((((hugs)))))))))). Reach out to us here. Vent as much as you want. We do know and understand what you are going through.

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Old 03-06-2014, 02:09 PM
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Dear SiRi, I am so sorry you are here yet so happy you found us. I want to reach through this computer and hug you tight. I lost a very dear friend 10 yrs ago who was in your same situation. She didn't know how to get away, what would happen to him? It all got out of control one night and he killed her. Anyone who met him thought he was actually a nice enough guy. He killed her.

Alcoholics aren't abusive because they're alcoholics. Abusive people get more abusive when the alcohol takes away their inhibitions. You are dealing with an abusive man who is also an alcoholic. There is no future in that. He will continue to make you feel crazy, continue to make you feel isolated and afraid. The nice guy you see on occasion and the abusive drunk are not 2 people. They are one guy...and you will see less of the nice guy as his disease progresses. And you will become more and more at risk.

You are so blessed to have supportive family who can help you free yourself. Call the DV hotline near you, they will help you set up a safe exit plan. Then. Get. Out.

Your credit and finances aren't going to get any better by staying. He managed to get along before you came along, he'll manage when you leave. A's are brilliant manipulators...they always manage to get by. He is not your "project", not yours to "fix". He's an adult, and he has the right to drink if he wants. But he doesn't have the right to abuse you. Get out. It's a scary thing to do. I heard someone in an AlAnon meeting say that although they were fearful, they learned that their happiness was on the other side of their fear. The only way to get there was to push through the fear.

Keep posting here, we're with you every step of the way. Read all you can about alcoholism. Find an AlAnon meeting near you and try to attend a few meetings. Maybe your Mom or sibling will go with you initially as support. It's an amazing place to get the support and tools you need to move forward. There is a very different, peaceful life waiting for you.
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Old 03-07-2014, 07:23 AM
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How are you today SiRi? I've been thinking of you. I know the weekend's coming up. Do you have someplace safe to go, even for just a couple of days? Hugs and strength to you. I know what you're going through. Please take care.
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Old 03-07-2014, 07:42 AM
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Don't feel pressured to leave him by us, that's your decision. Don't feel weak to come and post here yet stay with him. Don't feel badly about yourself that you are hurting and could use support. If everyone only posted when they were on up days, the forum would lose its purpose. Don't feel out of place if some people who post seem so strong because they are in a different place. Those who reveal the most and reach out the most benefit the most.
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Old 03-07-2014, 03:40 PM
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First, I want to thank you all for such kind words and support. I've been reading all your posts over and over the last few days, not knowing quite what to say or how to respond, but I'm so thankful to have found this place... you all have no idea. I guess I'm just at a really depressed point right now and angry at myself because I feel myself slipping back into his BS. Of course it's been the weekdays and he's been overly nice and attentive. He knows I have one foot out the door and he's been telling me how he can't live without me and blah blah blah. I'm so disgusted by myself because I really want to hold on to what I know and not what he's feeding into my head, but it's so hard

I will share, it was our anniversary last Tuesday... And you know, that bastard didn't do anything! No card, no flowers, no dinner! He doesn't love me, I should be able to see that clearly, right? But it hurts so bad because I keep thinking if I tried a little harder or if I was more pleasant... I know, I know, I can't change him and I am not responsible for him. It's so much easier to know these yuk ha than to act on them.

I appreciate the encouragement to call the DV hotlines, but honestly... I actually work with them all and know the Directors personally. I'm too embarressed. It should make it easier, but I don't want them to find out. I'm not sure how it would affect my job... The one and only thing I have control over and is going well.

My family is getting the house fixed up and gently pushing me, but I feel immobilized to make the move. I feel immobilized period! I feel like I can't make any choices, like my whole world is rocking and I just need to stabilize so I can think straight. I'm a mess... This really isn't who I am. I am NOT this person, so why is it so hard to grab the reins??

This whole week, I've been watching and listening to the videos I mentioned in my original post, forcing myself to remember why because I feel like towards the end of every week he makes me forget and hope for change. But, the weekend is here... I'm sure by Monday I'll be right back to where I was when I posted earlier. This is sick sick sick! I mean, this man has really got my mind twisted into thinking this is normal!

I have my bug-out bag packed at all times and ready to leave with the necessities... I learned that a long time ago. And I always have somewhere to go. Maybe that's my problem, I'm always sure that I have a temporary safe haven so the urgency to leave isn't as strong as I know it should be.

I haven't posted since the original one because I feel guilty for having thoughts if staying. I've already got my friends and family on this roller coaster and feel bad for putting anyone else on it too. I don't talk to my friends and family about this, I have a strong support system, but they've also stopped prying because I think they think I'll isolate myself even more if they push too hard. Which is true I guess. I'm normally very strong and independent and hate to feel helpless or have someone pity me. It's a disgusting position and I loathe myself every day for this crap.

I guess I just want you all to know I am trying to keep myself together at this point, not have a complete meltdown or end up being the next subject of a Snapped episode! Ugh! I need to think, really think and make a choice. It just makes me so sad that I have to do this and my life isn't the fairy tale happiness I thought it would/could be.
SiRiDiPiTi is offline  
Old 03-07-2014, 04:20 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You don't know that your life isn't the fairy tale happiness you thought it would/could be. THIS may not be the fairy tale, but maybe there are lessons here that will lead you to that life. I read once that we have to be willing to give up the life we planned, in order to have the life that is waiting for us. I tried for so long to "make" things work, there is a gift in letting go and letting God.
You don't have to do anything today. I learned a new twist on an old saying in AlAnon..."Don't just do something..Stand there!" If you're not ready, that's okay. Find an AlAnon group, read all you can, stay close to family, leave when things escalate. You will figure out what to do. But #1 priority is your safety, don't risk your life for him.
Recovering2 is offline  

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