My xah is abusive, and it's only after 18 months of complete separation and as much no contact as possible, that I am returning to myself. It's like part of me was so afraid, I went away. That's what being a shell of your former self means. It happened to my children, too.
You don't realize so well what they've been doing to you til they are out of your life.
This guy is going to kill you unless you get. Out. Now.
Please make a safety plan with a domestic violence counsellor. Today. They will walk you through it. I have talked lots to those folks. They get it.
Please put your trust in them. It isn't the booze making your A violent. He is violent, and he happens to be alcoholic. I used to focus on xah's alcoholism. Because I couldn't cope knowing he was also just plain abusive. So there was no hope for my happy family dream. He was going to keep being abusive.
The abuse got worse over our 17 year marriage until I was so terrified for my children, as well as myself, that I brought in the police. The police help. I can be at my village police station in five minutes on foot. I've walked myself over there a few times.
If it helps, think of yourself as a young girl, or sister. Do for yourself what you would do for them. Call the dv hotline. Please.
((((((((Hugs)))))))))