lillamy

Welcome!!!

First, the good news:
You do get over it.
How?
You do by educating yourself about alcoholism. Through going to Al-Anon and therapy and reading and posting here. When you do, you learn that he is an adult and you are not responsible for him. You learn that codependency is a term used for that feeling you have of being crazy. It's caused by living with an addict. You learn that codependency does make you a bit crazy, but that it's curable. But takes work and time.

However -- when I read your post, I think that his alcoholism is not your biggest problem. The fact that he is incredibly abusive is. And that's not a problem that can wait for a solution. You can find solutions to lingering emotional pain later. Right now, you need to make sure you survive.

I was married to an abusive alcoholic. He never tried to kill me (although he raped me and several times threatened to kill me). Being the victim of an abusive man does not make you stupid. That's something you need to tell yourself every day. The shame and how it makes you isolate yourself from the people who love you and are trying to help you is dangerous and lethal.

You did not cause this. Neither his drinking nor his abuse.

You asked how you turn your heart off and break away.
I did it by realizing that if I stayed, I would die. And I didn't want that.

You may feel like utter crap. You may cry. You may be anxious. You may question your decision to leave. All that is normal. But the good thing with leaving an abuser is that you are alive to deal with all of that.

I left four years ago.
Today, I can honestly say I have never been happier.
It took a lot of work. Therapy. Moving. Changing my habits, my life. Multiple court hearings. Four years of antidepressants and anti anxiety medication.

Today, my abusive ex-husband is out of my life. I'm no longer on medication. I have a great job, I'm remarried to a great guy, the kids are better for every day. I have the life I dreamed of. The one I didn't think I deserved. The one I didn't think was possible.

There are so many of us here who have gotten out of situations like yours and lived to rebuild our lives and love and be happy again. It is possible. I just want you to know that.