SiRiDiPiTi

It’s my first time posting, but I’ve been reading through others posts and just crying, relating, and some more crying. I need help, I need advice, I need strength, I need SOMETHING!

I’ve been married to my AH three years and it has been a dream and a nightmare, a rollercoaster ride that I’m just sick to my stomach of being on. I’m not perfect, I like to drink too, but the monster he becomes is a whole different level. And I’m so confused because I feel like he’s in my head, confusing me, twisting things around, making me feel guilty, rekindling the love I have for him, blaming me, flat out making me feel CRAZY! I don’t want or even know how to talk to my friends and family anymore about this, they know, they think I’m stupid for staying and I no longer want to open up because I feel stupid for continuing to stay after everything and I feel guilty for dragging them along on this ride from hell. They’ve cried with me, for me, been angry with me, but mostly just angry at him.

This is coming out all jumbled, I feel like I haven’t opened up about any of this and now everything is just spilling out incoherently. Okay, let me back up…

I knew my AH in high school, we dated for a time, but went our separate ways to college. We saw each other twice in our early twenties and it was friendly, but it wasn’t until we ran into each other five years ago that our relationship rekindled. We both had just gotten out of bad relationships (mine was, but I’m starting to think his was due to his own making) and found solace in each other and we had fun. It was like I was a teenager again. We brought each other back to a different time and got to know each other all over. It was great, I was riding high and granted there was a lot of drinking and going out. I should’ve seen the signs, but I ignored them because I only let myself believe the fairytale I kept telling myself. The first time he put his hands on me he was so wasted, he backhanded me across the face because I told him to slow down and then proceeded to drag me outside by my hair when I fell. The next morning he was so sorry and claimed to have blacked-out and didn’t remember a thing. I believed him, I thought it was an anomaly. For the next two-years it got worse and worse.

It culminated into a day when he went out with friends and I was out with mine. I got a phone call from him at 2:00 in the morning that he was taking a cab home, but he was incoherent and angry. I decided I better meet him at the house, but on my way home I got another call from him. He was pissed, the cab driver let him out on the side of the freeway because he was so drunk and belligerent that he kicked him out the cab. He was yelling at me to come pick him up and (regretfully) I did. When I did he was so out of it that he grabbed me by my hair while I was driving and proceeded to tell me how he was going to kill me once we got home. He repeatedly punched me in the face and choked me (WHILE I was driving). I was crying, I was scared, but I didn’t know what to do. When I pulled into the driveway I made a break for it. I started to run down the street, but he caught me in front of a neighbors house and proceeded to wail on me. The neighbors came out and he stopped, they saved my life. I managed to run back to the car and drove off while he was distracted by the neighbor. I went to my cousin’s house all black and blue. It was bad, I looked horrible and beaten from head to toe. My mom came over, my friends came over, eventually my whole family was there begging me to call the police, but I didn’t. I was scared of what would happen to him, I didn’t want him to go to jail. My parents even ended up calling his parents who came over and cried once they saw me. THEY even told me to call the police and report him, but I didn’t do anything. Obviously, I went back because he promised, he cried, he blamed it on the alcohol, he said he barely remembered anything.

Since that day it hasn’t ever gotten that bad. There’s been some incidents where he’s grabbed me by the throat, pushed me, threw me, smacked me around a bit, but nothing that bad. UGH… I can’t even stand myself for typing this, I’m reading what I’m writing and I sound SO PATHETIC! How did this happen to me?? He’s went through periods where he stopped drinking and things were so great, but it always starts up again. He binge drinks for the entire weekend and doesn’t remember anything. He yells at me, calls me all kinds of name, tells me I’m all types of vile things, and says the most evil things you can imagine. And, I’ve stayed. I kept telling myself he’s getting better, it’s not like it was, a little more time and maybe I’ll be rid of all his bad behaviors. When my guy cousins and brothers look at me I can tell they pity me, they think I’m weak, they always ask what happened to the strong and confident sister they’ve always known.

I’m a shell of myself, I haven’t been happy in years, I feel lost, dead inside. I find myself drinking with him just to numb the pain, just to be able to deal with his drunkenness. And since I do, he tells me I’m a hypocrite because I drink and he’s a grown man who can do what he wants. He tells me I’m delusional and over-exaggerate situations. So, I decided to videotape him to show him. The first time I did it he was so apologetic and couldn’t believe what an a** he was, but that quickly because a lost cause. Now he gets mad when I try and show him what happened the night before. He tells me I’m trying to set him up, that I want to put him away, and I’m a evil b**** of a wife.

Let me say, he’s not like this all the time. During the week when he has to work and he’s sober, he’s perfect, he’s my best friend and I love him to death. But, the weekends are a different story. The past two months every weekend I’ve been staying at my parents house. I’ve told him that when he starts drinking at 7:00 in the morning, I’m leaving and I won’t be back until he’s sober. This only means that I end up having to stay away all weekend long. At least I’m safe and my nerves are a little better. He tells me I’m being a lame b***** for telling him what to do and I should be happy because he stopped putting his hands on me! Well, he hasn’t put his hands on me because I leave the house for days at a time to make sure that doesn’t happen!

Whoa… this is getting long, sorry and thank you to anyone who’s read this far. I needed to vent, I needed to let this out, I needed to see it in writing to force myself to see the truth. I’m at a crossroads, I have an opportunity to leave. I have a house that my family is offering me just to get away from him so I have somewhere to go (how pathetic am I that they need to bribe me??). But, I’m scared. I’m scared of losing him, I’m scared of what will happen to him. He can’t afford the house we’re in now without me. I feel trapped because I know he’s going to screw me. My credit is ruined, I’m in debt up to my eyeballs (all in my name), and I’m worried about how he’s going to survive.

Someone, anyone… advice? What do I do? How do you get over the guilt of leaving? How do you turn your heart off? How do I break away?