Dee, your post was the best that I read. What happened that I gave up 7 years sober for? Well, I thought when I was sober and trustworthy, that everyone else would be too. That when I was good, they were good. It didn't happen that way.
And it was veryyyyyyyyyyy disappointing. I was decent, honest, fair and I thought everyone would be too. Not so.
I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I am the responsible one. I am the one who was always under pressure to get it done, do something. No one else did anything, so I did and tried and tried. Today I am the same person. I have no one to depend on. I have never been married (I am scared of commitment I think), I have no children, I have a dog, a cat and a house. That's it. Oh and my own business that is doing fairly well. But the point being is that all I have is me. Same as when I was a kid.
I do not have the money to pay a counselor $100s of dollars an hour to tell me what I already know about myself.
I have my mother especially that I help and she can't give me help in return. But I try and I try and I try. To squeeze out love from the people who were the only thing I knew growing up. I am well aware of the isolating factors of alcoholism. I grew up that way with my dad being a drunk for many years and had very few friends because of this. My family is all I know.
So what, Dee, did I not understand about myself when I was sober for 7 years and picked up again? I understand it, I just don't accept it. That isn't even true. What I did was reach out, to a stranger (the ex), thinking that me getting away from my family (I even moved) and depending (certainly not entirely, I still worked, etc. and I am far from a gold-digger) on someone else, that maybe this person was someone who loved me back, would be the right move. Would get me something in return besides trying to do everything for everyone. That this person was different and would give me something back. Not true.
I have an alcoholic friend who was sober for a few years and went back to drinking again. He said what difference does it make? I can't say I do not agree with him. Besides for myself, really, what difference DOES it make? I got the same thing, drunk or sober.
I posted in the 24 hour thread this morning and here I sit, drinking.
I appreciate all the replies.