Gibbons2

And who cares? I mean, really, who DOES care? Not any of you, not me, not any sh*t I am spewing to anyone about how great it is to be sober.

It isn't all that great, being a big drunk, of course not. But being sober isn't being the life of the party either.

I miss my family, I miss love. I miss all these things I do not have. I live alone with a cat and a dog and it's all I got. Talk about being "normal?" What the f*ck is that?

Me? I am not like any of you. I am too old to be this way, yet there you have it.

I want love, I want someone to care and I did have it, with my Ex, but I wasn't interested in sleeping with him, it turned me off, still does.

Meanwhile, I have a guy after that which was great sex, but that is all that was too.

I can't seem to find someone that I can love and have great sex with and love them for themself at the same time.

So my choices? Eh, do it alone. Same sh*t, different day. I can't seem to separate sex and true love. Men don't, I haven't seen it, and unless I give it up and what? be a sl*t? I get the other option of being by myself.

And I did so well, you know, sober for 7 years, even quit smoking, with the BF I loved, but didn't want to sleep with. I even quit smoking, worked out, drank water more than anything. I felt great. Best I have ever felt. But I never love him in a sexual way, still don't. He wanted money, I guess, more than me. We had a house fire, my fault from being a smoker, and hated me because I couldn't cry.

And it doesn't matter. What does? Whether I am strong today or not, what is there in my future?

I want to go house. I am an adult child of an alcoholic. This is who I am. I want to be 10 years old, climb up crab apple trees at my grandmother's house, be best buddies with my middle sister. Be loved.

I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be an adult, trying to be strong, working my @ss off for what? Nothing. I don't make that much, yet everyone around me says money, money, money. Well, I am trying to make money and even if I did, it isn't want I want.

I am so tired of being strong and getting nothing for it. It doesn't get me anywhere and being involved with all of you, doesn't either.

You don't know me. The drinking? Sure, perhaps. The rest you have nothing to say. And maybe, I don't either.

oct11

What are you needing? Are you frustrated with being sober, or frustrated with not being with someone? Or both?

Gibbons2

Both.

Gibbons2

I am so tired of being strong. Of driving by these perfect little houses and not being in one. I am so tired of trying to try and not getting anywhere. I am so tired of accepting sh*t that isn't here anymore and trying to have it anyhow. I am so tired of looking for something that isn't there.

dogged14

Sounds like you have a big issue with depression and a lot of unresolved issues. Sometimes our issues with ourselves cause us to drink, but it never fixes them. Drinking only allows us to temporarily ignore them while they fester and worsen. It's tough to be sober without facing the reason why you drink.

I'd suggest you talk to a psychologist and bring up the things you talked about in your post.

Gibbons2

I am so tired of giving sh*t to people who don't seem to appreciate it. I got a gun pointed in my face at the age of 12 by my own father, after all I did, that is what it came to be. And why try? For who? For what? For them? Why?

dogged14

For yourself and yourself alone.

oct11

This is a bad place to be. I'm only 18 days sober so I don't know **** yet. I do know though in early recovery we will have great days and bad days, depressed days etc. I feel like talking to people that know how this feels, helps me. Do you have any support?

Dee74

I'm sorry you drank, and I'm sorry you feel so frustrated with everything.
I'm sorry for the bad things that's happened to you too.

I'm pretty sure when you imagine your dream life having an alcohol problem isn't part of that.
You can absolutely live without an alcohol problem - but you need to stop drinking first.

It's hard, it's rough and it's not always much fun for a while...but you will get somewhere, rather than going in circles, and it will be much closer to your dream life than where you are now.

7 years ago I was bitter messed up, lonely man who was simply waiting to die.

I love who I am now - I love and am loved in return - and I hope I have many more happy years ahead of me.

The first step to untangling my impossible messed up entangled life was to stop drinking because that only made the knots close tighter.

You can do it too Gibbons - there no end of support here.
You might not think so right now, but we really do get it

D

Gibbons2

It won't help Dog, I am the best understander of myself. I have been there, done that and all the rest. I can't get it back, and it is all I really wanted.

Gibbons2

Well, Dee, first I thought you were a woman, but so be it. And it isn't true you know. I did quit drinking for 7 years and it didn't give me all these great things. I thought it would, but nope, fail. It gave me the same, just sober.

least

I am sorry you're feeling so depressed. Drinking will only make you more depressed than you are right now. I highly recommend seeing a good counselor. It really helps to be able to talk about your feelings. I wish you the best.

Gibbons2

All I did Dee was latch on to someone I thought loved me, but ehhhhhhhhhhhhh, didn't happen. Yet someone I can trust who? Who is that, exactly? He good, he's bad, and they all? So what are my choices? Be alone? Sit here on the computer, thinking you are all my friends, when you have no idea who I really am and vice versa. That's about it.

Forghetti35

I'm a 35 year old who just got my 4th DWI. I sent 3 weeks in jail while detoxing and my family refusing to bail me out. I lost my wife, job, car, freedom, and oh.....I'm living with my mom. And plenty have it worse than me, and most have it better than me. My point is we can't waste our time worrying about what others have and asking why things aren't "fair". The addict in me understands where you are coming from. We are al uncertain about our future and regretful of our pasts, but these thoughts do no benefit if we let them be an anchor.

Gibbons2

You can't fix it. And I can't either.

Gibbons2

I know Forghetti. Why hang up on it? But it is sooooooooooooo grand in the future? Well, I will tell you what my friend, and I don't mean to be hard on you, but I lived the future sober, and it wasn't any better. I was the same thing, just me sober. That was about it.

Dee74

I'm a man, honest

Seriously tho, I think some of us need to do more than just quit Gibbons.

I had to quit, and learn to be happy without booze.
that second part was the doozy.

I relied on booze for everything - it moderated my feelings, it soothed my stress, it helped me deal with the inadequacies of my life and my relationships.

I had to learn to do all those things myself in healthier more positive ways.

I had some counselling help, I did some volunteer work to make me feel useful and to help others, but mostly it was just damn hard work....for a little while until I got the hang of it anyway

It was all worth it tho. I wanted to be a complete human being and I think I am now.

I think you need to look at those 7 years sober and be honest about what it didn't do for you.

I'm not being accusatory. Obviously you felt it lacked something or you wouldn't have returned to drinking.

If you can answer that you might be on your way to working out how you can stay sober this time?

D

dogged14

You posted this a few days ago. What's changed?

Betterlife1

Gibbons, I know this is tough to see, but behind all these posts and member names are real people. And most, if not all of these people really do care. Unfortunately, we can't give you a hug in person, but don't' underestimate our compassion and sincere concern. There is the most amazing group of resources here that are all willing to share their experiences and offer things that have worked for them. You may want to talk to a therapist and really start focusing on yourself and trying to improve your situation. Also, I've seen people with plenty of money and nice houses who are miserable. I've seen people with barely any money who were the happy as can be. Please get help, don't give up on this site, and above all don't give up on yourself! You can find happiness!

Forghetti35

At least when you are sober you have opportunity. You have no opportunity to grow intoxicated. If giving up and being numb is your plan for the future, then I advise against that. Did you ever think in your sobriety that you left things on the table? I'm sorry you are frustrated. But I have to believe the benefit in sobriety outside of health, is opportunity. There are no guarantees in life.......only opportunity. I have to believe 1 will come your way.