Sending hugs, EmmyG.
Originally Posted by
EmmyG 
That’s the problem and why I struggle with my feelings about my husband. When he lashes out, I see right through it. I see someone who doesn’t like himself, and I see pain. I know he feels badly when he loses his temper.
I felt the same way about AXH. I could see he was insecure, I could see that he wasn't happy. I used that to excuse how he would treat me. The thing that I've come to realize is that there are people who feel emotional pain, who struggle with liking themselves and yet NEVER - or rarely - lash out and hurt the people they love. Those who have a really, really bad day and find that they've hurt some one with their temper and truly feel remorse, take steps to not only apologize, but try to NOT do it again.
AXH always seemed remorseful when he'd say sorry for the things he did, even, or especially, if they were horrid. But he would do it again. Say he was sorry. Do it again. Say he was sorry... He would say he knew he needed to 'work on' not lashing out at me. But he never actually did the work; he never really developed any different coping skills.
Yes, there were times that AXH was amazingly kind. Days he was more like the guy I fell in love with. Attentive, giving, generous, happy. But it didn't last; something would come up that would send him off again. I couldn't predict what it would be.
I guess, I'm just saying that a bad hour or a bad day, or insecurities, or being upset about something, is not a valid excuse for my significant other to lash out at me repeatedly.
Take gentle care of yourself. (((hugs)))