EmmyG

OT, just curious if anyone has any thoughts. I’m still with AH. He hasn’t drank in several weeks that I’m aware of, but he’s so moody. Not toward the kids, only me. He got really mad at me the other day because he thought I hadn’t sent diapers with our son to preschool (I actually had, but he’s potty training and his teacher forgot to change him out of underwear back into a pull-up, so when my husband picked him up, he peed all over his truck). Anyway, I got a missed call at work and called him back and got SCREAMED at for five minutes, just venting his anger and frustration. He went on and on about how people’s carelessness causes him stress. I explained to him that I had sent diapers with him, but he wasn’t hearing it. I texted him later and told him he has no business speaking to me that way and that I’m disgusted with myself for being married to someone who thinks it’s okay to speak to his wife that way. He apologized and said he was out of line, and to please “Judge me going forward. Let’s move on and try to be happy.” I’m tired of moving on. This is a weekly thing. He takes his anger out on me and expects me to forget once it passes.

I’m just tired of it. We have nice moments. He does nice things for me, like sending me and his mother for pedicures last night. He tells me I’m beautiful. He tells me how proud he is of me and thanks me for all I do for him and the boys. But then something sets him off or he’s going through a particularly self-loathing period, and I have to deal with it.

I’ve been having dreams (well, I always have, to be honest) about an old friend. We were really close friends for a long time and I was always in love with him. Then we were both single at the same time (he had just come out of a serious relationship), and we got romantically involved. He wanted to move slowly and I got scared and tried to pressure it and it just fell apart. I felt a lot of pressure from my parents at that time to be “serious” with guys because of our religion. I felt like I needed to be engaged. I basically didn’t get to enjoy anything because I was so anxious all the time. I cared so much for him. Our friends would always say we were happiest together. He was always there for me. I remember the night my aunt passed and I had called and left him a voicemail and he came over and just kept me company and we talked all night. We were always there for each other and we spent all our time together. He was always the “one” in my mind. Not long before I got married, he emailed me and said he’d love to get together and talk about things sometime but we didn’t. The night before I got married, I dreamed about him and I’ve dreamt about him ever since.

I know everyone thinks about lost love, but I’m wondering if my constant dreaming about him is really my mind trying to tell me that I’m not happy? I know I’m not happy. I LOVE my children, and I’m thankful for them every day. I love life. I am in the late stages of interviewing for this job that I’ve always wanted. Things are going well for me, but I’m just not happy in my marriage. He can’t give me what I need emotionally, and he’s not open-hearted enough. And he’s mean sometimes. I'm just confused.

fedup3

I was in love with someone else too before I met my husband and I too had dreams of the ex-love especially when my XAH was being a drunk jerk. But I've realized just like my x had the choice to drink or not I also had the choice to marry him or not. What's the old saying the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence especially when you're married to an alcoholic.

EmmyG

Totally. It's been a long time and I know it's a nice fantasy to imagine I should be with the ex and everything would be great - I feel like it's less about that and more about the fact that I'm unhappy with my husband and I don't want to be with him anymore, not about being with someone else.

BlueSkies1

I think you are right, this past boyfriend symbolizes what a happy relationship could be.

Dreams are good--they lift us up to remember when we were happy in the past, or how relationships can be happy. But rarely is the reality of the person we dream of what we dreamt. So put it in context--the past boyfriend symbolizes something. It's not about him, not him exactly.
Your H is sober but unacceptably mean sometimes. How about dealing with that first?
If someone tried to yell at me on the phone for five minutes and I wasn't even guilty of the crime, and did this repeatedly, they would get hung up on.
You don't have to listen to that.
You've told him it's unacceptable.
Heck, he knows it is unacceptable without you telling him!
If you want to be polite, you can say--I'm hanging up now.
Give yourself that power back.
You don't have to apologize for hanging up on him, the guy already knows he is just using you verbally as a punching bag for HIS frustrations.
If he asks why you hang up on him, I'd tell him.
Find another way to deal with your frustrations, I'm not available for that.
He will know exactly what you mean, even if he plays dumb.

And if this feeling stays---" but I’m just not happy in my marriage. He can’t give me what I need emotionally, and he’s not open-hearted enough. "
Then one day you will be ready to act on that.

Hawkeye13

Emmy, I don't think I could be happy living with someone who treated me the way you are describing on a frequent basis.

I think it is a healthy sign that you are reacting to it so strongly instead of accepting it.

Only you know what you can take, but someone who cannot respect the need for basic manners and civility in communication has a bigger problem than alcohol in my book.

Best to you and hugs

fedup3

Emmy, you know when I go on a diet I hate to say it but I sometimes act really B***hy because I want what I can't have even though having it isn't good for me. I guess we all need a little grace at times, he needs it as well as you do.

EmmyG

That’s the problem and why I struggle with my feelings about my husband. When he lashes out, I see right through it. I see someone who doesn’t like himself, and I see pain. I know he feels badly when he loses his temper. I read about abusive men, and he doesn’t fit most of the criteria. He’s not cruel, he literally saves every bug/spider he finds in our house and sets them free. He is never mean to our kids. A close friend is dealing with terminal cancer and my AH is the one person who’s been there for him, and will stay on the phone with him when he’s down. He works hard, and he will go without to make sure me and the kids have what we need. I go back and forth – I know he has his issues and I can appreciate that. Lately, I just don’t tolerate it when he loses it. I let him talk, then I tell him I won’t be spoken to that way, and walk away/hang up. Then I basically ignore him until he apologizes. I’ve made it really clear that I’m thisclose to walking away if he doesn’t change. He’s gotten a lot better, and his drinking has improved. He’s been talking about how he has so much guilt eating away at him for his drunken behavior toward me, and toward his family back in England. He keeps mentioning that he needs to find a way to make amends for that. I see him slowly progressing as he gets older. I don’t want to leave him. I’m just growing stronger as a person, especially now that I’m back and working at my career. I’ve been working on building friendships and interests, and I just want my home life to be good.

SeasonlessWorld

I understand where you are coming from. I've read a lot of books about abusive relationships and felt my XABF didn't really fit the profile though his behavior was awful. The bottom line is no matter how you label the behavior it's unacceptable. Just because he is sometimes kind doesn't give him the right to treat you that way. I wish I had a solution for you but I don't I just think you need to know that taking his anger out on you is unacceptable. Take care.

Seren

Hi Emmy,

It's good to see you! Really, you are the only one who can decide to stay or go.

I've read posts where you described his physical abuse of you.
I've read posts that you wrote from a hotel room after you fled from him.
I've read posts that you wrote describing that these aren't just isolated incidents.

I'll never, ever tell you what you should or should not do, Emmy. I just hope that one day you will know you deserve far better treatment.

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, EmmyG.

I felt the same way about AXH. I could see he was insecure, I could see that he wasn't happy. I used that to excuse how he would treat me. The thing that I've come to realize is that there are people who feel emotional pain, who struggle with liking themselves and yet NEVER - or rarely - lash out and hurt the people they love. Those who have a really, really bad day and find that they've hurt some one with their temper and truly feel remorse, take steps to not only apologize, but try to NOT do it again.

AXH always seemed remorseful when he'd say sorry for the things he did, even, or especially, if they were horrid. But he would do it again. Say he was sorry. Do it again. Say he was sorry... He would say he knew he needed to 'work on' not lashing out at me. But he never actually did the work; he never really developed any different coping skills.

Yes, there were times that AXH was amazingly kind. Days he was more like the guy I fell in love with. Attentive, giving, generous, happy. But it didn't last; something would come up that would send him off again. I couldn't predict what it would be.

I guess, I'm just saying that a bad hour or a bad day, or insecurities, or being upset about something, is not a valid excuse for my significant other to lash out at me repeatedly.

Take gentle care of yourself. (((hugs)))

JustAGirl1971

Ditto to everything that theuncertainty said.

fedup3

Emmy, I'm sorry I misread your post I thought he wasn't drinking and in recovery and I should have remembered your AH past history from your posts. Seren is right you deserve so much better.

EmmyG

"Those who have a really, really bad day and find that they've hurt some one with their temper and truly feel remorse, take steps to not only apologize, but try to NOT do it again."

Thanks for that. That's true. Unacceptable behavior isn't acceptable just because you're having a bad day.

My mother-in-law has been here visiting from the UK for the past three weeks; she left today. It's been peaceful while she was here. She helped out tremendously and he was on his best behavior. She's kind of my advocate. Anyway, I was sad to see her go. Sure enough, tonight he's in an awful mood. He just lost it because the playstation controller wasn't charged so it died during his workout (another thing that bugs me is his compulsive working out, which he does for a few weeks until he goes on a bender, then I get to hear about how he's getting back on it, over and over).

So he just screamed about how no one is considerate and his day is ruined, blah blah. I just went in to sleep with the kids and shut the door. I'm sick of it. I was in a great mood and now I'm not. The house is spotless and I had it nice and cozy when he got home. He has nothing to be unhappy about, but he always finds something. I can leave, but only thing stopping me is that I know it wil be trading one misery for another. I'll just be dealing with all his crap but havingn to share the kids with him. Which I don't want to do. Or he'll go on a downward spiral and I'll get to worry 24/7.

JustAGirl1971

Emmy, I thought the same. And, yes there are some challenges. I have to change the furnace filter for the first time ever. I had to fix the bathroom sink by myself (& I did it! Go, me!) And there are some bad days/nights. Yesterday was kind of rough emotionally. But, you know what? I am closer to happy than I have been in a very long time. My dd14 even commented on how much more peaceful our home is! And, my STBXAH has actually been on his best behavior for the last few months so I thought our house was already peaceful (in comparison to the chaos from last year.) I think it's just that 'on guard' feeling that we get - always anticipating the next crisis, the next thing that will make them mad. It left with him.

The sharing the kids thing is tougher. Easier for me since oldest ds is legally an adult and can do what he wants, 2nd ds has no contact with his father, and dd is 14 and legally has say in how much time she does/does not spend with her father.

I'm not trying to tell you to leave. Not at all. Each of us has to figure out the right path for us and our families. I just wanted to give you some perspective from the other side. Hugs, Emmy. I'm sorry you had a rough night Today is a new day. Here's to a great weekend for you and your children

EmmyG

Thank you, JustAGirl1971 : ) I do need to hear how it is on the other side. I used to be so afraid of leaving him out of fear of loneliness and being alone. Then I went back to work (after being home for 4 years, working from home part-time). I feel SO much stronger now, and confident. And my two little boys make me so happy and fulfilled. They are little dolls, and they give me more love than I could ever ask for. I don't NEED a husband like I thought I did. It's such a chore trying to make him happy, keep him happy. The boys and I wake up happy, and we just make each other laugh all the time. Then Mr. Bad Mood comes in and ruins it. What I need to do is take the last emotional step, which is letting go of worrying about him. I tend to just feel sorry for him, and it clouds my judgment. When I'm really mad, like this morning, when he yelled at me about stupid things again, I just resent him so much and want to run. He texted me on his way to work and said "I'm sorry again. I was out of order. I hope you have a good day." He makes me feel sorry like he has no control of his emotions, but it occurred to me this morning that he is able to control it when it comes to the kids, because he never shouts at them. But with me, he doesn't. Why is that? It seems like a choice to me.

JustAGirl1971

It definitely is a choice, Emmy. We all choose how to behave and react when things don't happen like we think they should.

On the feeling bad for him, I was the same way. Very worried about whether he would drink too much, eat enough, be lonely, etc, etc. I finally just decided to give that up. He's an adult. He can choose to live how he wants to live. Now that he's gone, I mostly just focus on me and the kids. When I do that (much easier to do with him gone), I don't worry about him. I still have my weak moments where the fear and sadness kicks in and I worry about him. Last night was one of those moments. I finally gave up, read my al-anon literature, released STBXAH to my HP/God, and went to bed. Today, I put the focus back where it should be: Me & the kids. Overall, my feelings of fear, sadness, worry, guilt, & anxiety are significantly lower and much more manageable since he left. Physical distance made a huge difference in our case.

inpieces314

Due to the frequency of these dreams, it's probably not him that you are thinking about, and not even the relationship itself, but the way you felt when at that point in your life. Even the day before you got married-your subconscious telling you that you were not sure you would feel that way again with your husband. That's a good thing, because you know you want to get back to that point. I don't think it's a matter of who, but when, in your life that it happens.

And, I know what you mean. My XABF and I were always arguing, snapping on each other, in horrible moods all the time, because I got tired of the way he treated me and just started lashing out back at him. It sucked, and honestly, you don't really know you are walking on eggshells until you aren't walking on them anymore.

healthyagain

Oh, the good old lashing out ... got some of it today, and really for no reason at all (no rational reason so to say, but the reason is always "you are around, and I cannot drink as much as I want, so rooooaaaaarrrrr!!!!"). I was upset for 5 minutes, then got my music, my earbuds, and I could hear roar no more. The tiger is snoring in the bed right now. And I am off to watch the SNL.

Once I accepted that these outbursts and mood swings were part of the disease and alcoholic pathology, it is much easier to deal with drama.

But it is not that easy, and I started having these "what if" daydreams. The truth is, I cannot know for sure what would have happened and if I wold be better off today or not. But I have learned my lesson and I know what would be very wrong to do. I can only promise myself that I will try and make better choices and work on my personal development.

EmmyG

Thank you stung, inpieces and healthyagain. I'm really sad right now and I just checked in to hopefully get some encouragement and I found your posts

Our boys are with my mom tonight so we went to a play here in LA. I started feeling kinda sick this afternoon and by the time we went out, I felt like I had a fever (I do), swollen throat, etc. The play was good and it went fine, but I could tell he wanted to go out after. He said "we can go listen to music somewhere and drink non-alcoholic drinks." I told him I just didn't feel well and he said okay, maybe next time.

We're driving home and he keeps telling me how to drive, like he always does. I made the mistake of asking "why are you so paranoid?" And he freaked. out. He said "don't ever call me paranoid again, that is very personal to me." I couldn't help it and said, "You know what? The 'c' word is personal to ME. Maybe you should think about that."

We got home and he said "Maybe I'll just call a friend and go back to Hollywood." I started saying "Why did that make you so mad? I don't get it...you ask me to forgive you almost daily for the way you speak to me, but I call you a silly word and you get this mad???" He screamed "F YOU, C***T. You ruined a perfectly good night and what would have been a good day tomorrow."

I came into the room to cry and figure out how the heck I can logistically move the heck out of this house.

LoveMeNow

I am so sorry Emmy. You really do deserve so much better. He just wanted to pick a fight with you so he justify going out to drink.

I suspect there is more then alcohol involved. Do you think he might be on drugs too??