Welcome Heresto2014!
Thank you for sharing your story here. I can relate to so many things you're saying. I tried to quit 4 yrs. ago, and I had 4 months, then started drinking again...for the next 4 years, every weekend. Ugh - madness. I thought I could handle just a few, or during my sobriety had been magically turned into a person whose brain doesn't just light up like an Xmas tree once alcohol is added. Needless to say, that didn't happen, and it was just a few weeks before I was right back to my old routine - which also included weekly blackouts, etc. Eventually, I started trying to hide my drinking from my husband. And the thing that made me feel most awful was that I was looking him in the face and telling him I was not drinking. I thought, how have I come to this? This is not who I am, or who I want to be. I think I crossed some line (finally) that made me have to look at this whole thing. Finally, that, plus the physical torture you describe (and yes, my experience is that the withdrawals do get worse over time...) finally tipped the scales just ever so much - so that I finally said enough. I'm on day 45 today, and honestly - HONESTLY - feel so much better mentally and physically, that staying stopped (so far) hasn't seemed very difficult. I am a bit afraid of being tempted this summer, though. Beautiful weather, and sitting outside has always been a trigger for me.
Anyway - HUGS - keep posting and reading - you'll find lots of great persecutive here.