I would also just like to post so you know a bit more beside my addiction. I have 2 kids under 4. I am a good mother I do not let the drinking interfere with their activities we have them in, My eldest plays hockey and was in gymnastics and swimming and my youngest is in swimming and gymnastics, I have never missed taking them to something because of my drinking I at least always had enough control to stay sober for anything they had. It was more of a closet drinker after work about 7ish when kids went to bed shortly after or on wknds I would start if I knew we had no plans. I am sure it has had some impact in cases I am unaware of but for the most part I have always taken them to the park, walks, bike rides. I know the drinking has effected my marriage as I am usually busy with laundry or cleaning and hiding my drinking instead of having quality time with my husband, not that we fight about it or argue its just after the kids go to bed I make myself busy with drinking and cleaning and he watches sports and is content. As well on wknds if we are staying home I play with the kids outside and drink and play and he usually takes turns. I came to my reality and really want to quit this time as I know how it can effect my family and the fact how I felt above I literally thought I was going to die or be hospitalized and could not face myself if I did that to my kids or husband and have been hiding it the whole time. I want to get healthy for myself first and my family second and remember the next day all the fun we had the night before and not wake up wondering what we did last night and not even remember falling asleep. I feel if I continue down this path and from what I read the withdrawals get worse and what I went through scared the hell out of me. I have wanted to quit for years as this has been an on going thing for over 12 years (sober when pregnant and breast feeding) and I think wow I have went this long and we go out and I have one drink after almost 15 months of sobriety and it spirals back to the same thing. BUT this time I am not using being pregnant or breast feeding as an excuse I want to do this on my own and I realize I can't ever have just one drink no matter how long I have been sober.
Thanks for reading and support, its really helping venting.