I have not added anything new in a while, but have been checking in daily. This forum seems to be one of the threads that holds my sanity in place.
My AH has pretty high functioning for the duration of our marriage, and has really only shown his true colors to me. I guess as his loving wife, I am supposed to be tolerant and supportive; no matter what. And for most of the 21 years that we have been married, I have upheld those unspoken promises. However, for the last 3-4 years, I have become much less tolerant, and have just about reached the point where I don't/can't do it anymore. His nastiness has escalated to the point where my DD and I have had to retreat from him in order to maintain some peacefulness. I have posted before that I originally planned to wait until she graduates from High school (she is a junior right now), until I made a decision. However, I have been spending time with a friend that I have gotten pretty close too (no, not physically), and my AH has also gotten progressively worse when it comes to his treatment of our DD and myself. So, I am seriously considering making my move during this summer, when I have a break from work (I teach First Grade). My friend will be away for the summer, so I will not have that distraction.
The conundrum that I currently have is that although AH consistently acts churlish and drunk most evenings, there are times when he goes out of his way to be sweet and loving. Constantly asking if I love him, and wanting to cuddle (btw, that is it in the intimacy department, he does not seem very interested in taking things any further; hasn't for close to a year). On one hand, this makes me feel incredibly guilty for considering a split, but on the other hand, I also feel a bit repulsed.
If I back away, I really need to be ready to move, which I am not at the moment. I suppose detachment is also a strategy to use in this instance, as well as when he is being a jerk.
Just wondering if anyone had any experience that they could share that would help. I feeling very alone at the moment.