It makes it so difficult when they do this
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
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It makes it so difficult when they do this
I have not added anything new in a while, but have been checking in daily. This forum seems to be one of the threads that holds my sanity in place.
My AH has pretty high functioning for the duration of our marriage, and has really only shown his true colors to me. I guess as his loving wife, I am supposed to be tolerant and supportive; no matter what. And for most of the 21 years that we have been married, I have upheld those unspoken promises. However, for the last 3-4 years, I have become much less tolerant, and have just about reached the point where I don't/can't do it anymore. His nastiness has escalated to the point where my DD and I have had to retreat from him in order to maintain some peacefulness. I have posted before that I originally planned to wait until she graduates from High school (she is a junior right now), until I made a decision. However, I have been spending time with a friend that I have gotten pretty close too (no, not physically), and my AH has also gotten progressively worse when it comes to his treatment of our DD and myself. So, I am seriously considering making my move during this summer, when I have a break from work (I teach First Grade). My friend will be away for the summer, so I will not have that distraction.
The conundrum that I currently have is that although AH consistently acts churlish and drunk most evenings, there are times when he goes out of his way to be sweet and loving. Constantly asking if I love him, and wanting to cuddle (btw, that is it in the intimacy department, he does not seem very interested in taking things any further; hasn't for close to a year). On one hand, this makes me feel incredibly guilty for considering a split, but on the other hand, I also feel a bit repulsed.
If I back away, I really need to be ready to move, which I am not at the moment. I suppose detachment is also a strategy to use in this instance, as well as when he is being a jerk.
Just wondering if anyone had any experience that they could share that would help. I feeling very alone at the moment.
My AH has pretty high functioning for the duration of our marriage, and has really only shown his true colors to me. I guess as his loving wife, I am supposed to be tolerant and supportive; no matter what. And for most of the 21 years that we have been married, I have upheld those unspoken promises. However, for the last 3-4 years, I have become much less tolerant, and have just about reached the point where I don't/can't do it anymore. His nastiness has escalated to the point where my DD and I have had to retreat from him in order to maintain some peacefulness. I have posted before that I originally planned to wait until she graduates from High school (she is a junior right now), until I made a decision. However, I have been spending time with a friend that I have gotten pretty close too (no, not physically), and my AH has also gotten progressively worse when it comes to his treatment of our DD and myself. So, I am seriously considering making my move during this summer, when I have a break from work (I teach First Grade). My friend will be away for the summer, so I will not have that distraction.
The conundrum that I currently have is that although AH consistently acts churlish and drunk most evenings, there are times when he goes out of his way to be sweet and loving. Constantly asking if I love him, and wanting to cuddle (btw, that is it in the intimacy department, he does not seem very interested in taking things any further; hasn't for close to a year). On one hand, this makes me feel incredibly guilty for considering a split, but on the other hand, I also feel a bit repulsed.
If I back away, I really need to be ready to move, which I am not at the moment. I suppose detachment is also a strategy to use in this instance, as well as when he is being a jerk. Just wondering if anyone had any experience that they could share that would help. I feeling very alone at the moment.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
Well, I pretty much knew what he was when I married him. I just didn't think it would be such a problem. Plus, I had the pleasure of witnessing/experiencing life with my parents who could have been poster children for dysfunction, yet they put up such a lovely front to the world. I guess that I figured that this is the way it is supposed to be, and that no one is ever truly happy in their relationships. I have reached a point, however, where I would rather be alone and happy, rather than living with an A and unhappy.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Hi!
I'm sorry you're feeling this way...but know that you're not alone. Never.
That stinking "high functioning" is quite frustrating! In my experience it really helps mask the seriousness of what's happening. My XAH was very high functioning as well, for years. It wasn't until the last 2 years of our 20 years together that it became unbearable on an almost daily basis. And before I left I stayed for the glimpses of hope, the integrity of marriage, and for the kids. I ultimately left for two of those three.
I assume since you've been here awhile, you've already read tons on the topic. If not, read, read, read and learn! You aren't supposed to support him no matter what. Marriage is give and take. If you are mostly giving and he is mostly taking...that's not what was intended.
Don't berate yourself for your thoughts. It might help you to read up on addictive behaviors and how addicts keep us in their web of control. (Those small moments of happiness!) We end up saying, "I stay because he did that nice thing last Thursday." The reality is that nice thing should be a base expectation for EVERY day, but we've learned to accept it only occasionally.
Some things to ask yourself...
You have a daughter. She is watching every word, every action. She sees all. You don't have much time left before her "childhood" is over. If you stand on a hill and look down at your family, what is the best you can do for her? What advice would you give yourself from that viewpoint on the hill?
If nothing changed in the next year, would that be okay?
If something needs to change, what would that be? Is it in your control? If not, what is?
Are your motivations solely related to your marriage and not the friend you mentioned? If that friend didn't exist, would the picture change? (Sorry for that question- I'm not expecting you to answer these on the board anyway- but I sense something there and think it's necessary for you to honestly assess that with a clear head.)
Only you can know what's right for your family. You're facing a tough road whatever direction it goes, but you are not alone!
I'm sorry you're feeling this way...but know that you're not alone. Never.
That stinking "high functioning" is quite frustrating! In my experience it really helps mask the seriousness of what's happening. My XAH was very high functioning as well, for years. It wasn't until the last 2 years of our 20 years together that it became unbearable on an almost daily basis. And before I left I stayed for the glimpses of hope, the integrity of marriage, and for the kids. I ultimately left for two of those three.
I assume since you've been here awhile, you've already read tons on the topic. If not, read, read, read and learn! You aren't supposed to support him no matter what. Marriage is give and take. If you are mostly giving and he is mostly taking...that's not what was intended.
Don't berate yourself for your thoughts. It might help you to read up on addictive behaviors and how addicts keep us in their web of control. (Those small moments of happiness!) We end up saying, "I stay because he did that nice thing last Thursday." The reality is that nice thing should be a base expectation for EVERY day, but we've learned to accept it only occasionally.
Some things to ask yourself...
You have a daughter. She is watching every word, every action. She sees all. You don't have much time left before her "childhood" is over. If you stand on a hill and look down at your family, what is the best you can do for her? What advice would you give yourself from that viewpoint on the hill?
If nothing changed in the next year, would that be okay?
If something needs to change, what would that be? Is it in your control? If not, what is?
Are your motivations solely related to your marriage and not the friend you mentioned? If that friend didn't exist, would the picture change? (Sorry for that question- I'm not expecting you to answer these on the board anyway- but I sense something there and think it's necessary for you to honestly assess that with a clear head.)
Only you can know what's right for your family. You're facing a tough road whatever direction it goes, but you are not alone!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
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Well, I don't have to worry about any "nice things" he might do tonight. The best I might hope for is that he "falls asleep" before the nastiness starts tonight. He has already started in on DD to a small degree, but of course the night is young. I think I need to give her the opportunity to experience peace before she leaves the nest.
As far as my friend? I'm sure that my relationship (although platonic) has influenced my thinking. It has lead me to see that there might be marvelous men in this world that are kind and considerate, and actually enjoy spending a few moments with me without becoming critical. That is why I am (kind of) glad that he won't be here this summer. It will give me a chance to make this move with a clearer conscious and perhaps give me something special to look forward to in the fall.
As far as my friend? I'm sure that my relationship (although platonic) has influenced my thinking. It has lead me to see that there might be marvelous men in this world that are kind and considerate, and actually enjoy spending a few moments with me without becoming critical. That is why I am (kind of) glad that he won't be here this summer. It will give me a chance to make this move with a clearer conscious and perhaps give me something special to look forward to in the fall.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
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Yes I have, and she is getting counseling at her high school. At the moment, she does not want her life disrupted, but she is getting weary of being the target of AH's rants. She also told me that if I were to make a move before she graduates, to please not leave her with him. I told her that "Of course, I would be including her in a move, if that's what I wind up doing." I expect that she would have a place in both homes, should it come to that, with my home being the primary residence for her.
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You'll know for yourself when you've had enough no matter what he does.
Originally Posted by Yurt 
I have not added anything new in a while, but have been checking in daily. This forum seems to be one of the threads that holds my sanity in place.
My AH has pretty high functioning for the duration of our marriage, and has really only shown his true colors to me. I guess as his loving wife, I am supposed to be tolerant and supportive; no matter what. And for most of the 21 years that we have been married, I have upheld those unspoken promises. However, for the last 3-4 years, I have become much less tolerant, and have just about reached the point where I don't/can't do it anymore. His nastiness has escalated to the point where my DD and I have had to retreat from him in order to maintain some peacefulness. I have posted before that I originally planned to wait until she graduates from High school (she is a junior right now), until I made a decision. However, I have been spending time with a friend that I have gotten pretty close too (no, not physically), and my AH has also gotten progressively worse when it comes to his treatment of our DD and myself. So, I am seriously considering making my move during this summer, when I have a break from work (I teach First Grade). My friend will be away for the summer, so I will not have that distraction.
The conundrum that I currently have is that although AH consistently acts churlish and drunk most evenings, there are times when he goes out of his way to be sweet and loving. Constantly asking if I love him, and wanting to cuddle (btw, that is it in the intimacy department, he does not seem very interested in taking things any further; hasn't for close to a year). On one hand, this makes me feel incredibly guilty for considering a split, but on the other hand, I also feel a bit repulsed. If I back away, I really need to be ready to move, which I am not at the moment. I suppose detachment is also a strategy to use in this instance, as well as when he is being a jerk.
Just wondering if anyone had any experience that they could share that would help. I feeling very alone at the moment.
My AH has pretty high functioning for the duration of our marriage, and has really only shown his true colors to me. I guess as his loving wife, I am supposed to be tolerant and supportive; no matter what. And for most of the 21 years that we have been married, I have upheld those unspoken promises. However, for the last 3-4 years, I have become much less tolerant, and have just about reached the point where I don't/can't do it anymore. His nastiness has escalated to the point where my DD and I have had to retreat from him in order to maintain some peacefulness. I have posted before that I originally planned to wait until she graduates from High school (she is a junior right now), until I made a decision. However, I have been spending time with a friend that I have gotten pretty close too (no, not physically), and my AH has also gotten progressively worse when it comes to his treatment of our DD and myself. So, I am seriously considering making my move during this summer, when I have a break from work (I teach First Grade). My friend will be away for the summer, so I will not have that distraction.
The conundrum that I currently have is that although AH consistently acts churlish and drunk most evenings, there are times when he goes out of his way to be sweet and loving. Constantly asking if I love him, and wanting to cuddle (btw, that is it in the intimacy department, he does not seem very interested in taking things any further; hasn't for close to a year). On one hand, this makes me feel incredibly guilty for considering a split, but on the other hand, I also feel a bit repulsed.
If I back away, I really need to be ready to move, which I am not at the moment. I suppose detachment is also a strategy to use in this instance, as well as when he is being a jerk. Just wondering if anyone had any experience that they could share that would help. I feeling very alone at the moment.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I just had a similar conversation with my DD (she brought this up). She fears having to stay with her father if we move because she believes he will spiral out of control, and so do I. My children are 14 and 8, and the attorney has told me without doubt there would be joint custody and they would have to stay with them. For now, I am staying put, but he is making a big effort.
I am trying to make sure I don't make any promises to my girls I cannot keep. I have been honest with my DD and told her they would have to spend time w/Dad, alone, if we divorce. They are not ready for that yet.
I am seeking counseling with someone who specializes in addiction to help me sort through all of these issues.
Good Luck and Tight Hugs. PM me anytime you need support!
I am trying to make sure I don't make any promises to my girls I cannot keep. I have been honest with my DD and told her they would have to spend time w/Dad, alone, if we divorce. They are not ready for that yet.
I am seeking counseling with someone who specializes in addiction to help me sort through all of these issues.
Good Luck and Tight Hugs. PM me anytime you need support!
Originally Posted by Yurt
Yes I have, and she is getting counseling at her high school. At the moment, she does not want her life disrupted, but she is getting weary of being the target of AH's rants. She also told me that if I were to make a move before she graduates, to please not leave her with him. I told her that "Of course, I would be including her in a move, if that's what I wind up doing." I expect that she would have a place in both homes, should it come to that, with my home being the primary residence for her.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i dunno, having ANYONE "go at" my daughter because they are nastyass drunks would be sufficient motivation to get out. she's learning to TAKE abuse. she's learning not the rock the boat. she's learning that we can't take action in our own best interest unless it's convenient and well timed.
if the house burned down tomorrow, you'd HAVE to find a new place. and you would. you CAN make it work....but are you ready?
as for other party....as long as HE is not your reason for making changes, and as long as there are no promises and dreams of happily ever after cuz HE'LL make all your wishes come true, you should hopefully avoid going from the fry pan into the fire.
if the house burned down tomorrow, you'd HAVE to find a new place. and you would. you CAN make it work....but are you ready?
as for other party....as long as HE is not your reason for making changes, and as long as there are no promises and dreams of happily ever after cuz HE'LL make all your wishes come true, you should hopefully avoid going from the fry pan into the fire.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Yurt, my STBXAH moved out about a week ago. I have kids similar to your dd's age. He's been 'on his best behavior' for a couple months now. Yes, he's still drinking, but the verbal abuse, sarcastic comments, and silent treatment that we were all accustomed to were not present. He was making an effort to really spend time with the kids. We were actually living amicably. That said, now that he's gone, our house is so much more peaceful! I can't explain it... it's just like the mood and tone of the house has changed. For the first time in years, I really feel like I can breathe. My daughter is calmer, both boys actually spend time outside of their rooms (the one kid moved back home), there's more laughter. All of the tension is gone. Do I miss AH? Yes, I miss the way AH and I were together when it was good, but I don't miss the bad stuff. I think, I hope that AH is happier, too.
It's hard. I'm not naive, I know there will be lots more rough times. And, I know it's not over yet (working on divorce & still have to coparent) but I really did not anticipate that it could feel this good.
It's hard. I'm not naive, I know there will be lots more rough times. And, I know it's not over yet (working on divorce & still have to coparent) but I really did not anticipate that it could feel this good.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Posts: 3,178
Yurt,
I wish you all the best. I think everyone has made some very good comments for you to look at your situation from other perspectives. You know things are not changing in your current situation. It sounds like you are willing to move up your timeline a year. If school ends at the end of May - that is just 3 months which is a nice amount of time to plan your move.
I wish you all the best. I think everyone has made some very good comments for you to look at your situation from other perspectives. You know things are not changing in your current situation. It sounds like you are willing to move up your timeline a year. If school ends at the end of May - that is just 3 months which is a nice amount of time to plan your move.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Well, guess I don't need to feel guilty for wishing to leave tonight. I came home to Richard Cranium again. The usual sneer, and patronizing comments. Asked me if I was happy, and when I asked him to define happiness, he stormed off in a snit. Proceeded to trip over a rug and then asked why I was fighting him. I told him I was tired of arguing with him when he had been drinking. He bellowed that he was not drunk, that it was the rug's fault. Then, followed me throughout the house demanding to know what was wrong with me.
Luckily, most of the garbage was aimed at me, although DD did have to endure some of the circular arguments and rants before she escaped to her bedroom. I really should video tape him when he is like this so he can see what an idiot he is.
Luckily, most of the garbage was aimed at me, although DD did have to endure some of the circular arguments and rants before she escaped to her bedroom. I really should video tape him when he is like this so he can see what an idiot he is.
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