determinedgf

This is my first time posting- not sure how this works but am encouraged this forum can assist me through the path that lies ahead.
I am a determined girlfriend trying to be a supportive, considerate, loving significant other of one who is battling alcoholism. Each day I wake up with a positive outlook feeling “this is the day for change- something has to give and I know he is stronger today to say “no” to that first drink”. I only want the best for him- the life I know he deserves- one with anxiety free days, motivation and the excitement I once saw in his eyes. Each day is an on-going fight for him not to drink that first drink, each day is becoming an on-going clash with myself to be there for him and support him where I can.
Nearly 6 months ago we decided to take our relationship to the next level- moving in together, big commitment for us. We have nearly known one another for 11 years, practically my whole adult life- dating on and off and championing one another during each new life adventure just as you do your best friend. I can honestly say he is my best friend; someone I can share anything and everything with, the person I want to call first when there is some sort of news (good or bad), the man I could not imagine my life without. I knew he would be able to compliment me as a person- someone who would encourage me, push me to be a better person, the person I wanted to build my future with. He had stopped drinking for 4 years prior acknowledging he was not the same person when he drank. While he was away for work with a friend he had that first drink again and has not been able to stop since. I was in the dark the first time that he drank, when he first moved in there were small noticeable differences looking back but I could not pin point what exactly was going on. He was afraid to tell me, he wanted to overcome the drinking without me knowing but within 2 months I knew he had a problem. Now, I am at a loss as to what to do, where to go, and how to help.
Last week was the first time I spoke out to him- I was scared, sad and hurt. I no longer could take the mood swings, the disrespectful tones/phrases he would voice, and most of all the absence of him- the man I love. I realize it is a battle for him, I see the pain he goes through and the emotions he is struggling with but I have stopped taking care of myself in the process of taking care of him. I found myself dismissing some of his actions so that I would not upset him; I have allowed his behavior- behaviors that I find unacceptable and disrespectful. During these trying times with him I see that he has lost a part of himself that he is struggling to get back and I lost a part of me. I lost the woman who put her first, ensuring that she was happy to helps support and make others happy- I was no longer happy with who I became in the result of who he has become.
I am here because I am absent, confused and fighting to salvage; who he was and is, who I was and am, and who we were and are together. I am now struggling daily with keeping things together- ensuring that everything is just right to not set him over the edge to take that first drink. I am in need of strength and encouragement- some sort of insight before I lose the dedication to continue with him. Typing those words make me feel horrible to think that I could possibly get to a point where enough is enough. Please know that I am not there yet, I fear it happening and that is why more than ever I am determined to assist him any way I can. Thank you all for listening!