determinedgf

This is my first time posting- not sure how this works but am encouraged this forum can assist me through the path that lies ahead.
I am a determined girlfriend trying to be a supportive, considerate, loving significant other of one who is battling alcoholism. Each day I wake up with a positive outlook feeling “this is the day for change- something has to give and I know he is stronger today to say “no” to that first drink”. I only want the best for him- the life I know he deserves- one with anxiety free days, motivation and the excitement I once saw in his eyes. Each day is an on-going fight for him not to drink that first drink, each day is becoming an on-going clash with myself to be there for him and support him where I can.
Nearly 6 months ago we decided to take our relationship to the next level- moving in together, big commitment for us. We have nearly known one another for 11 years, practically my whole adult life- dating on and off and championing one another during each new life adventure just as you do your best friend. I can honestly say he is my best friend; someone I can share anything and everything with, the person I want to call first when there is some sort of news (good or bad), the man I could not imagine my life without. I knew he would be able to compliment me as a person- someone who would encourage me, push me to be a better person, the person I wanted to build my future with. He had stopped drinking for 4 years prior acknowledging he was not the same person when he drank. While he was away for work with a friend he had that first drink again and has not been able to stop since. I was in the dark the first time that he drank, when he first moved in there were small noticeable differences looking back but I could not pin point what exactly was going on. He was afraid to tell me, he wanted to overcome the drinking without me knowing but within 2 months I knew he had a problem. Now, I am at a loss as to what to do, where to go, and how to help.
Last week was the first time I spoke out to him- I was scared, sad and hurt. I no longer could take the mood swings, the disrespectful tones/phrases he would voice, and most of all the absence of him- the man I love. I realize it is a battle for him, I see the pain he goes through and the emotions he is struggling with but I have stopped taking care of myself in the process of taking care of him. I found myself dismissing some of his actions so that I would not upset him; I have allowed his behavior- behaviors that I find unacceptable and disrespectful. During these trying times with him I see that he has lost a part of himself that he is struggling to get back and I lost a part of me. I lost the woman who put her first, ensuring that she was happy to helps support and make others happy- I was no longer happy with who I became in the result of who he has become.
I am here because I am absent, confused and fighting to salvage; who he was and is, who I was and am, and who we were and are together. I am now struggling daily with keeping things together- ensuring that everything is just right to not set him over the edge to take that first drink. I am in need of strength and encouragement- some sort of insight before I lose the dedication to continue with him. Typing those words make me feel horrible to think that I could possibly get to a point where enough is enough. Please know that I am not there yet, I fear it happening and that is why more than ever I am determined to assist him any way I can. Thank you all for listening!

suki44883

Welcome to SR, determinedgf. There are many people here who have gone through or are going through the same thing. As they say, alcoholism is a family disease. It affects everyone who lives with or loves the addict.

If love could cure it, none of us would be here. We all loved our addict. However, love is not enough. In order for your boyfriend to get better, he has to be willing to seek help and be willing to do whatever is necessary to recover.

I hope you'll post often and read as much as you can. Please be sure to read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. There is a wealth of information there. We're here to help and support you in any way we can. Again, welcome. (((HUGS)))

Lyssy

I suggest this book.

Amazon.com: getting them sober: Books

And of course continue to post and read here.

Welcome, though I am sorry for what lead you to be here.

AnvilheadII

I am here because I am absent, confused and fighting to salvage; who he was and is, who I was and am, and who we were and are together.

ok, priorities....YOU first. if you can't be present to yourself, you cannot be present to anyone else. you have your own life to live....NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS with him. you have value, you have dreams, desires, goals and tomorrows. we must be autonomous creatures, ok regardless of what life throws at us....or who.

he has had a battle with alcohol for a long time. that is HIS battle. part of his journey. if you are trying to do everything and make it all perfectly wonderful for HIM, you have lost sight of your primary mission. and as you can see, it's not working...........

behaviors that I find unacceptable and disrespectful

you have allowed his behaviors to violate your own core values. you have sold yourself down the river. we MUST respect and honor ourselves, our own beliefs, values, morals, ethics. when we start selling them off, we lose our own soul. and then what do we have?? TWO lost souls. two lives, bent, banged up, bruised, and slipping farther from redemption.

there are individuals all around the planet right now who are fighting for their very existence. Syria, the Ukraine, Venezula.....main street USA living under the poverty level....striving to just survive one more day, hell one more minute, one more bombing.....

every day is a gift. or a day lost. we only get so many.

spiderqueen

Just curious: what is HE doing to keep things together? Has he faced the enormity of his problem? What steps is he taking to ensure he has a future at all, with or without you?

I could only step away from my Xabf, and watch his actions. 7 months later, and he's nowhere I want to be.

I wish there was more I could offer. Let me know if you find the silver bullet, OK?

itsmylifenow

I like what Anvil said...

And, I commend you on your dedication and commitment to your BF. It's what any loving, caring gf would want to do for someone they cared so much about.

Have you talked about going to any meetings? AA for him and Al-A for you? I'm afraid you are both going down on a sinking ship and if you don't try and save yourself, you both are going to drown.

Both of you need to get the proper help for yourselves. At this moment, it is an individual journey to fix those parts that are broken. But, hopefully, together you can be a support for each other.

I wish you well.

advbike

Unfortunately, what you are doing is becoming codependent. In trying to care for him in this way you are in effect taking responsibility for his drinking and this is a bad road to go down, for reasons you have already stated - you are losing yourself in the process. You also are enabling him and need to stop it and take care of yourself first, as well as set limits. He has to come to the realization that he needs help, and go after it. You cannot do that for him. I suggest checking in with the Friends and Family section and finding an Al-anon meeting. Best of luck dgf.

allforcnm

Sorry for what your going through. There are so many emotions for us to deal with when they are active in their use. My therapist recommended this book to me and I found it helpful: Amazon.com: get your loved one sober

least

Welcome to SR. The only thing you can really do is let him know you support his efforts to get sober. He is making an effort to get sober, isn't he? Anything beyond that and you're just trying to manage his addiction.

You may have to set some boundaries. What kind of behavior you will tolerate and what you won't.

I hope your relationship can survive this.

ErikT

Im going to private message you....okay? I want to say a few things that you should listen to....so ...listen...

ReadyAtLast

Does he want to stop drinking? No where in your post does it say he really wants to quit. Quitting has to come from him,not you .Unless and until he does want to stop then nothing you say or do and no matter how determined, strong or positive you are will make any difference.

You are enabling him to drink by 'keeping everything together' The only thing you can do is look after yourself

Seren

Hello determined, Welcome to SR!

I'm sorry to hear about how you and your boyfriend have become so lost in life, but it is understandable when any form of addiction is involved. As Suki said, alcoholism and addiction really affect the whole family.

Educating yourself about alcoholism will help so much. One thread that really made an impact on me when I first arrived at SR is this:

You are also welcome to come here and vent away or ask any questions you would like. SR is a great place for shared experience and strength!

ErikT

We cannot completely rebuild what has not yet ...fully fallen apart.....

Db1105

You can't fix your boyfriend. You can only fix yourself. I suggest you give your local Al-Anon group a call.

Spinner-007

Determinedgf,

I can only offer the perspective of one who is married to an alcoholic who will not do anything about it.

You have 11 years of friendship with the guy and have taken the next step to live with one another.

I can tell you that alcoholism, or any addiction, has no respect for the intensity, longevity, intentions, or any other aspect of yours, or anyone else's, relationship to the alcoholic.

It will cause that person you thought you knew to do things that you never thought capable. (Read the sticky I'M AN ADDICT, THIS IS WHAT I DO for a superb description of what you're going up against).

I equate it to watching a fine French movie: the opening credits and the first scene is the high point of the film. From there, it descends into disparity and you end up leaving the theatre wishing you could have that time you spent watching that movie back(which only adds to your own despair), and you will NEVER, EVER recommend those closest to you to waste their time seeing it.

This is no different.

If going through what you're experiencing isn't fun for you now, add kids to the mix. Kids sometimes come into a parent's life as a surprise, and if you don't think the pressures of parental responsibilities cant trigger a relapse to someone in recovery, you're in for some trouble.

Now let's talk about you.

You will become wrapped into this other person's world(we call that 'codependant' here) that you start losing yourself, your plans, wishes, dreams, ambitions, happiness(I can make that list alot longer for you) little by little, totally unbeknownst to you, as you begin nest your life(just like youre doing now) around the addict, trying all the while to help them.

As you become totally spent, you will eventually arrive at the moment that you finally realize that you have invested everything, you are now emotionally, spiritually, financially, psychologically bankrupt and the addict is no place to bail you out.

So you look for help, desperate for answers, understanding, healing, etc, and you go online in the late/early hours of the night/day and you end up finding this place.

SURPRISE! You found us!

So, if there is ANYTHING I can offer up to you that will save you even a little of what we've all gone through here, it is this:

You are not married to this.

Back out.

Even if it costs you his friendship, it won't cost you the laundry list of all that is at stake if you continue.

Taking the next in Holy Matrimony will NOT make any better, i guarantee it. I've known this person who I am married to for more than half my life, and she is now a shell of what she once was.

I'm sorry for being blunt. Honesty often harmonizes with pain, and please know that if I bit into a poisonous fruit, I would be sure to warn those close as well as those unfamiliar of what will happen if they choose from the same tree as well.

I pray you make the right decision for yourself. Nobody else, but for yourself.

IOAA2

The sad reality is that as much as we may want to we can't get anyone sober or drunk. Support is great but there is for own sanity a point to let go. Alcoholics are sort of like fishermen, most lie to themselves and others often without realizing it. I also recommend Al Anon to help YOU with the knowledge that in the beginning you probably won't like what you hear. Try to remember they have been around longer than you have been alive and that it works IF you let it.

BE WELL

Anna

It's not up to you and what you do as to whether your boyfriend takes that first drink or not. Does he want recovery? What steps is he taking? The best thing for you to do is to focus on yourself. AlAnon could be a great resource for you and do check out the Friends & Families forum on this board.

suki44883

I thought I had already answered this, then realized it was also posted on the F&F forum.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4492246

Nonsensical

It is not within your power to do what you seek to do. You might as well struggle daily to prevent the tide from coming in or the sun from coming up.

He has to want to stop more than he wants to drink. It's on him. You are the watcher. Take care of yourself.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

readerbaby71

10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
By Ed Hughes, MPS

The pain and suffering of addiction is not limited to the alcoholic or drug addict. Family members share a tremendous burden as well. Shame, guilt, fear, worry, anger, and frustration are common, everyday feelings for family members concerened about a loved one's drinking or drug use. In most cases, the family has endured the brunt of the consequences for the loved ones addiction, including the stress of worry, financial costs, and life adjustments made to accommodate the addicted person's lifestyle. Addiction leads the addict away from positive influences of the family. The disease twists love, concern, and a willingness to be helpful into a host of enabling behaviors that only help to perpetuate the illness.

Family and friends are usually very busy attempting to help the alcoholic or addict, but the help is of the wrong kind. If directed toward effective strategies and interventions, however, these people become powerful influences in helping the loved one 'hit bottom' and seek professional help. At the very least, families can detach themselves from the painful consequences of there loved one's disease and cease their enabling behavior.

Here are 10 ways family members can help there loved one and themselves:

1) Do learn the facts about alcoholism and drug addiction. Obtain information through counseling, open AA/NA meetings, and Alanon/Naranon.
Addiction thrives in an environment of ignorance and denial. Only when we understand the characteristics and dynamics of addiction can we begin to respond to its symptoms more effectively. Realizing that addiction is a progressive disease will assist the family members to accept there loved as a 'sick person' rather than a 'bad person'. This comprehension goes a long way toward helping overcome the associated shame and guilt. No one is to blame. The problem is not caused by bad parenting or any other family shortcoming. Attendance at open AA/NA meetings is important: families need to see that not only are they not alone in there experience, but also that there are many other families just like theirs involved in this struggle. Families will find a reason to be hopeful when they hear the riveting stories of recovery shared at these meetings.

2) Don't rescue the alcoholic or addict. Let them experience the full consequence of their disease.
Unfortunately, it is extremely rare for anyone to be 'loved' into recovery. Recovering people experience a 'hitting bottom'. This implies an accumulation of negative consequences related to drinking or drug use which provides the necessary motivation and inspiration to initiate a recovery effort. It has been said that 'truth' and 'consequences' are the foundations of insight and this holds true for addiction. Rescuing addicted persons from there consequences only ensures that more consequences must occur before the need for recovery is realized.

3) Don't support the addiction by financially supporting the alcoholic or addict.
Money is the lifeblood of addiction. Financial support can be provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of consequences. Buying groceries, paying for a car repair, loaning money, paying rent, and paying court fines are all examples of contributing to the continuation of alcohol or drug use. Money is almost always given by family members with the best of intentions, but it always serves to enable the alcoholic or addict to avoid the natural and necessary consequences of addiction. Many addicts recover simply because they could not get money to buy their drug. Consequently they experience withdrawal symptoms and often seek help.

4) Don't analyze the loved one's drinking or drug use. Don't try to figure it out or look for underlying causes.
There are no underlying causes. Addiction is a disease. Looking for underlying causes is a waste of time and energy and usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the family or others. This 'paralysis by analysis' is a common manipulation by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issue of the illness itself.

5) Don't make idle threats. Say what mean and mean what you say. Words only marginally impact the alcoholic or addict. Rather 'actions speak louder than words' applies to addiction. Threats are as meaningless as the promises made by the addicted person.

6) Don't extract promises. A person with an addiction cannot keep promises. This is not because they don't intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act upon their commitments . Extracting a promise is a waste of time and only serves to increase the anger toward the loved one.

7) Don't preach or lecture. Preaching and lecturing are easily discounted by the addicted person.
A sick person is not motivated to take positive action through guilt or intimidation. If an alcoholic or addict could be 'talked into' getting sober, many more people would get sober.

8) Do avoid the reactions of pity and anger. These emotions create a painful roller coaster for the loved one.
For a given amount of anger that is felt by a family member in any given situation, that amount-or more-of pity will be felt for the alcoholic or addict once the anger subsides. This teeter-totter is a common experience for family members. They get angry over a situation, make threats or initiate consequences, and then backtrack from those decisions once the anger has left and has been replaced by pity. The family then does not follow through on their decision to not enable.

9) Don't accommodate the disease.
Addiction is a subtle foe. It will infiltrate a family's home, lifestyle, and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family. As the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up ones and other valuables, not inviting guests for fear that the alcoholic or addict might embarrass them, adjusting one's work schedule to be home with the addict or alcoholic, and planning one's day around events involving the alcoholic or addict.

10) Do focus upon your life and responsibilities.
Family members must identify areas of there lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other family members, hobbies, job, and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one's life is empowering and helpful to all concerned.

Each of these suggestions should be approached separately as individual goals. No one can make an abrupt change or adjustment from the behaviors that formed while the disease of addiction progressed. I can not over-emphasize the need for support of family members as they attempt to make changes. Counseling agencies must provide family education and programs to share this information. They must offer opportunities for families to change their attitudes and behaviors. The most powerful influence in helping families make these changes is Al-Anon/Naranon . By facing their fears and weathering the emotional storms that will follow, they can commit to ending their enabling entanglements.

The disease of addiction will fervently resist a family's effort to say 'no' and stop enabling. Every possible emotional manipulation will be exhibited in an effort to get the family to resume 'business as usual'. There will always be certain family members or friends who will resist the notion of not enabling, join forces with the sick person, and accuse the family of lacking love. This resistance is a difficult but necessary hurdle for the family to overcome. Yet, it is necessary if they are to be truly helpful to the alcoholic or addict. Being truly helpful is what these suggestions are really about. Only when the full weight of the natural consequences of addiction is experienced by the addict- rather than by the family- can there be reason for hope of recovery.