Katchie, just as the 12 steps work for us they also work for them. We can't control if they're actively following the steps any more than we can control the drinking, but we can set boundaries for ourselves. You're long past the "if only he'd quit drinking..." stage. I was stuck there for a long time, not realizing that wasn't the same as working at recovery. You're doing great.
As you keep working on your own recovery, you'll be able to handle whatever comes. Great thoughts above on laying out what you need ahead of time. Recovery is hard and learning to communicate is hard. Kudos for making gigantic strides for yourself.
