Feeling Shaky about Break Up, Aging, Ego etc.
I just posted about myself yesterday and it was a work issue. I tried to get out of my own thoughts and have responded and supported some fellow recovering users online today...but I'm still feeling pretty low. I broke things off with my b/f about a month ago and we have kept in touch via text only. Ive never been "friends" with an x. There was no abuse or cheating, nothing scandalous and no reason not to stay on speaking terms. My reasons for breaking up are 1) I became uncomfortable with the age difference...I am 46, he is 26. Uncomfortable only b/c my daughter disapproved, when we were out in public a few times, comments were made that made me cringe, and I started noting my own physical aging and wondering if he did too. He was always very supportive of me. If I gained weight, he jokingly said he would gain weight too so we could be fat together. He made me feel special, strong, loved and yes, beautiful. 2) B/c he is so young, he doesnt want to commit to sobriety right now. He has a problem too. 3) He was unemployed off and on due to drinking and I stepped in and paid for most of the meals. I just got tired of it. 4) We weren't able to relax at my home, b/c my child didn't want him there. He had some great qualities..he liked to cook for me and make my lunch for work. I miss the hell out of him. Anyway, I asked him jokingly yesterday if he had a new g/f yet and he said he "kind of" did. Someone that he is dating casually. Sh**. Ouch. That hurt more than I think it should. I am the one who wanted this. He has nothing going on for himself financially. No car, no home, still lives with his Mom. But....try telling my heart and my emotions that. It makes absolutely no sense..but I am deeply hurt and feel hollow right now. He says he still loves me and only started dating b/c he really didnt think we would discuss getting back together. I have told him in the past that he should find someone his own age and I should be with someone who wants sobriety like I do..... At least I have an appointment with my therapist today. I hate the thought of trudging along alone in this world without him or someone like him who loved me so unconditionally. Any thoughts would be appreciated. I know sometimes just have to play out...but I feel really dumb and confused about it.