Notices

Feeling Shaky about Break Up, Aging, Ego etc.

Old 02-20-2014, 08:24 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
LooseGrip's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Virginia
Posts: 86
Feeling Shaky about Break Up, Aging, Ego etc.

I just posted about myself yesterday and it was a work issue. I tried to get out of my own thoughts and have responded and supported some fellow recovering users online today...but I'm still feeling pretty low. I broke things off with my b/f about a month ago and we have kept in touch via text only. Ive never been "friends" with an x. There was no abuse or cheating, nothing scandalous and no reason not to stay on speaking terms. My reasons for breaking up are 1) I became uncomfortable with the age difference...I am 46, he is 26. Uncomfortable only b/c my daughter disapproved, when we were out in public a few times, comments were made that made me cringe, and I started noting my own physical aging and wondering if he did too. He was always very supportive of me. If I gained weight, he jokingly said he would gain weight too so we could be fat together. He made me feel special, strong, loved and yes, beautiful. 2) B/c he is so young, he doesnt want to commit to sobriety right now. He has a problem too. 3) He was unemployed off and on due to drinking and I stepped in and paid for most of the meals. I just got tired of it. 4) We weren't able to relax at my home, b/c my child didn't want him there. He had some great qualities..he liked to cook for me and make my lunch for work. I miss the hell out of him. Anyway, I asked him jokingly yesterday if he had a new g/f yet and he said he "kind of" did. Someone that he is dating casually. Sh**. Ouch. That hurt more than I think it should. I am the one who wanted this. He has nothing going on for himself financially. No car, no home, still lives with his Mom. But....try telling my heart and my emotions that. It makes absolutely no sense..but I am deeply hurt and feel hollow right now. He says he still loves me and only started dating b/c he really didnt think we would discuss getting back together. I have told him in the past that he should find someone his own age and I should be with someone who wants sobriety like I do..... At least I have an appointment with my therapist today. I hate the thought of trudging along alone in this world without him or someone like him who loved me so unconditionally. Any thoughts would be appreciated. I know sometimes just have to play out...but I feel really dumb and confused about it.
LooseGrip is offline  
Old 02-20-2014, 08:43 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
SeaScape
 
SeaScape's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: California
Posts: 313
Hi there

It sounds like you have done the best thing for yourself and your sobriety even though it was really hard. Companionship is a wonderful thing but it really has to be right on all fronts for it to really work. Be kind to yourself - break-ups are really hard. I have ended relationships that were 'good' but not really 'good for me' and it's especially hard to understand!
SeaScape is offline  
Old 02-20-2014, 08:50 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
sunshinescooby
 
sunshinescooby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 212
I'm not sure how long you have been sober, but it looks like not long.. You are doing the right thing.. Not easy, but as you say.. he has a drinking problem too. I think you should run screaming from anyone with a drinking problem who is not trying to recover.. or is in denial..
sunshinescooby is offline  
Old 02-20-2014, 09:33 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Kaleidoscope eyes
 
KateL's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
I feel for you as something similar happened to me today. My face is all tight and sort of hanging. xxxx
KateL is offline  
Old 02-20-2014, 09:58 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
LooseGrip's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Virginia
Posts: 86
Thanks everyone. I just spoke to him and he confirmed that he is seeing someone. She is 34. Still older than him but not as much as me. He said they have slept together one time so far....he told me that he still wants to be friends with me and that he is still here and not going anywhere. I told him I dont think I can handle just being friends while he is dating someone else. He actually said that "she" told him he could still sleep with me as long as he wears a condom. WTF?? Im so confused and feel dirty and disgusted by that comment that "she" said. I just hate relationships. He also said that he has "cut back alot on drinking". I think it is best that we not be together, but it is so hard and PAINFUL. Crap!! I'm jealous, but then I think not really...he still doesn't have much going on for himself and if he is still drinking it is bound to lead to trouble. Sorry Kate that you are going through something similar. My face is in the same position. I just went into the bathroom and cried for a minute...didnt help much...still feel broken hearted.
LooseGrip is offline  
Old 02-20-2014, 10:05 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,671
From the sound of him it's a good thing you broke up and have no contact. I'd leave it that way. He doesn't sound like a 'winner' to me.

least is offline  
Old 02-20-2014, 10:08 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
SoberLeigh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,770
Originally Posted by KateL View Post
I feel for you as something similar happened to me today. My face is all tight and sort of hanging. xxxx
I am sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time today. Hope that the sunshine you give to others returns to you soon.
SoberLeigh is offline  
Old 02-20-2014, 10:09 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 668
Give it time. A month isn't very long. Time heals all wounds. I'll bet in a few months you'll look back and feel very good about your decision to end it. By the sound of it the breakup was inevitable and you did the right thing.
Oldselfagain is offline  
Old 02-20-2014, 10:13 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
SoberLeigh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,770
Originally Posted by LooseGrip View Post
Thanks everyone. I just spoke to him and he confirmed that he is seeing someone. She is 34. Still older than him but not as much as me. He said they have slept together one time so far....he told me that he still wants to be friends with me and that he is still here and not going anywhere. I told him I dont think I can handle just being friends while he is dating someone else. He actually said that "she" told him he could still sleep with me as long as he wears a condom. WTF?? Im so confused and feel dirty and disgusted by that comment that "she" said. I just hate relationships. He also said that he has "cut back alot on drinking". I think it is best that we not be together, but it is so hard and PAINFUL. Crap!! I'm jealous, but then I think not really...he still doesn't have much going on for himself and if he is still drinking it is bound to lead to trouble. Sorry Kate that you are going through something similar. My face is in the same position. I just went into the bathroom and cried for a minute...didnt help much...still feel broken hearted.
I am sorry for your pain, Loosegrip. (From what you have said, it doesn't sound as though your ex can give you the "healthy" relationship that you deserve.) Hang in there. SR is here to help.
SoberLeigh is offline  
Old 02-20-2014, 10:53 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Grateful to be free
 
Threshold's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
break ups hurt. Hugs.

Sounds like it might be good to go no contact. Sometimes "just friends" doesn't work out because feelings are too painful and confusing. If it's what we need to heal, then it's the right thing to do.

I have both "just friends" and "no contact" exes.

Every relationship and dynamic are different.

Meanwhile...hugs. It's ok to hurt and cry, give it it's due.
Threshold is offline  
Old 02-20-2014, 11:13 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
LooseGrip's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Virginia
Posts: 86
Thanks so much Threshold. I think I may do no contact right now. I have never been friends with an x...(that is b/c most of my relationships ended so badly)....but with him, he is just laid back and pretty nice most of the time. Honest even, so I cant be angry with him. I just need to give it time. Thanks again everybody!
LooseGrip is offline  
Old 02-20-2014, 12:17 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Canine Welfare Advocate
 
doggonecarl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,961
I feel your pain, Loose. You are suffering a double whammy: a breakup with someone you care about and makes you feel special, plus the emotional rollercoaster that is early recovery. Time eases both.

The most important thing is your recovery, staying sober. From that, all things good spring. You will feel so much better about yourself in a couple months. Perhaps then you can start thinking about a relationship...with an equal. A man. Not a man-child who still lives at home and can't hold a job and who in my opinion was mooching off you.
doggonecarl is offline  
Old 02-21-2014, 04:44 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
LooseGrip's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Virginia
Posts: 86
Thank you Carl. What you said is really true and makes me feel hopeful. I am putting sobriety first. It's amazing what a good nights sleep can do for you. I feel much better now. I know the feelings of insecurity, doubt, pain and loss will come back and that I have to deal with them and feel them. I love you guys for supporting me at this time!
LooseGrip is offline  
Old 02-21-2014, 05:40 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Sober Today
 
GreenEggsAndHam's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
I had to do something similar the other day but it is the right thing to do. I do not have much contact with this man and it would kill me if he were dating, but I think he should - I just don't want to hear about it.

The young man you were seeing needs time to grow up. I am 43 and would not feel comfortable dating someone so young either. I'd always wonder if he needs a "mother figure" or something, kwim? Life experience has taught me that it takes more than just love to make a relationship work. That's my opinion anyway.

Be strong and comfortable with your decision. Hang in there!
GreenEggsAndHam is offline  
Old 02-21-2014, 09:08 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
LooseGrip's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Virginia
Posts: 86
Thanks Eggs and Ham It's comforting to know Im not alone. I am at work now and b/c its no longer early morning and my mind has had time to wake up and return to reality..I am starting to feel sad again. I feel a major loss. I was not in a relationship for about 8 yrs before I met him because my last relationship was so horrible and the violation of trust took years to overcome. Then this young man came into my life and reminded me of myself and had this amazing smile and laugh that was contagious. He warmed my heart and I woke up in a sense. I needed him desperately. He was gentle, kind and affectionate. He didn't anger easily. He didn't make me doubt him or his loyalty. He was always there for me. I felt that he would always love me no matter what. (writing this is of course is making me sad and teary eyed..with a lovely lump in my throat... but I need to get this out.) These things I will miss. These things I lost.
LooseGrip is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:26 AM.