You are welcome, its only because I am going through all of this too that I can spout what I hope are words of wisdom. I know I ramble, I can't help it, I am a writer by trade, so what can you expect. Sometimes I read back what I type and think...do I even make sense anymore? Its after being told for three years that I don't know wtf I was talking about I learned to question my own thoughts. No more of that crapola I tell you. The no contact no response does leave a gaping hole of no closure for us, and I don't know how to rectify that? I don't know how to accept it, how to move beyond it. I hate it, honestly. What do I need, a big funeral procession for him or something? I keep picturing those poor couples who lose a child to abduction and no one ever finds the body, so they have no closure and just sit and wonder for years, leaving porch lights on for a kid that is already lost to them...am I going to end up like that? Then I think, ugh, if he shows up...and each moment of every day I believe we are closer to that ugly moment because I am in full no contact and if he can't get a response he is gonna try to force one from me, like he did last time...am I gonna want the sort of closure that I'd get from it when he rears his ugly head? Underworld no, as my 11 year old would say. As the days pass, and this no contact no response thing starts to clear my head and give me peace, its also causing a growing fear. Fear, a healthy, realistic fear of a dangerously unstable person, a fear I learned to ignore. I have so many emotions going round and round in me, its just plain ridiculous. I think I would choose heart tearing despair rather than the ice cold fear.
Your therapist said what my ex mess's family told me...no matter what I did or said, nothing would ever be enough for him to boot him out of the disease and make him come back to the real world. They were right. She is right. Listen to her, she seems to know what she is talking about and I probably need to find one of my own. The two of us, you and me, we have to learn how to not give in and read this toxic stuff they send us. Maybe as the time passes and these emails or letters get further apart, as we slowly heal bit by bit, maybe they will derail us less and less...and for briefer amounts of time? I told someone else on here I will white knuckle through No contact with them..and you.
But Blake...do me one favor? Go eat a massive cheeseburger or something really tasty and sumptuous. You deserve it.