Ixi

Hi all. So I haven't posted here in awhile for a few reasons. First, it started to make me feel very pessimistic about my future with (R)ABF. And then, right after Christmas, he relapsed again. I stayed away from SR then because I didn't want anyone to tell me to leave him. I knew I should, but I couldn't. Plus, to be honest, we had a trip to Disney World planned--I admit it, I stayed for Mickey! As if it matters, it was a minor relapse. A couple beers at most. He was sober again starting the next day.

And then last night. Last night he went out to get us a pizza. An hour later he still wasn't back, nor was he responding to my constant phone calls. Eventually, I looked out the front door and noticed headlights. I opened the garage door and there he was, parked outside the garage, head slumped down. Honestly, I thought he was dead. I couldn't find the other effing keys to get in the car and he wasn't coherent enough to let me in--barely stirred as I pounded on the door. He eventually was able to look at me, eyes unfocused, drooling a bit. Then he tried to back up--the car was still running. He nearly ran it into the neighbor's garage. After screaming and undoubtedly disturbing all of his neighbors, I was able to get him to stop and get out of the car.

After a few falls, I got him inside and got his mom on the way. Sitting on the passenger's side of the car, of course, was a half-drank bottle of vodka, a bottle of rum, and some gum (right, because it's his BREATH that gave it away!) His mom took me to the bus stop and I'm now back at school, an hour and a half away. He texted me this morning to tell me how sorry he was and he knows he's probably lost the only thing that matters to him anymore, but he's been very respectful about me wanting no contact, even without me saying so.

I'm just so done. When I told a friend about it, he asked me when was the last time I was truly (consistently) happy with ABF. The answer, honestly, was before his first relapse. September. Nearly half a year since I've been happy for more than a week. When I've been supportive through his recovery, he's always told me he's glad I'm in his corner, but I'm starting to see that being in HIS corner means being in the opposite of MY corner. And, honestly, I don't think it's helping him at all, either.

We haven't officially broken up yet. He was too drunk last night and I had to take a bus back to school. I'm just worried that I'll lose my resolve if I wait until the weekend when we can see each other. I don't want to be done, but I also don't want to be hanging on for what we USED to be, not what we ARE.

I don't think I can even say the phrase "breaking up." I just think it's better for both of us if he focuses on his recovery. I need things from a relationship that he can't give me with how he is right now, and he needs to be 100% focused on getting better. I know he wants to, now it's just a matter of how hard he's willing to work to get it. Maybe, in a few months, just maybe, we can try again.

It's been a rough day, but I broke out my waterproof makeup, sucked it up, and got through the day--I only cried at work twice! Today also marks one year since my friend's husband committed suicide. It's been really tough thinking about saying goodbye to someone I love when I think about that.

Finally going to grit my teeth and force myself to an Al-Anon meeting this week. Also probably going to get in to see a counselor through the university. Just keep on plugging along.