Blogs


Notices

Three strikes...

Old 02-17-2014, 05:36 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Ixi
Member
Thread Starter
 
Ixi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 81
Three strikes...

Hi all. So I haven't posted here in awhile for a few reasons. First, it started to make me feel very pessimistic about my future with (R)ABF. And then, right after Christmas, he relapsed again. I stayed away from SR then because I didn't want anyone to tell me to leave him. I knew I should, but I couldn't. Plus, to be honest, we had a trip to Disney World planned--I admit it, I stayed for Mickey! As if it matters, it was a minor relapse. A couple beers at most. He was sober again starting the next day.

And then last night. Last night he went out to get us a pizza. An hour later he still wasn't back, nor was he responding to my constant phone calls. Eventually, I looked out the front door and noticed headlights. I opened the garage door and there he was, parked outside the garage, head slumped down. Honestly, I thought he was dead. I couldn't find the other effing keys to get in the car and he wasn't coherent enough to let me in--barely stirred as I pounded on the door. He eventually was able to look at me, eyes unfocused, drooling a bit. Then he tried to back up--the car was still running. He nearly ran it into the neighbor's garage. After screaming and undoubtedly disturbing all of his neighbors, I was able to get him to stop and get out of the car.

After a few falls, I got him inside and got his mom on the way. Sitting on the passenger's side of the car, of course, was a half-drank bottle of vodka, a bottle of rum, and some gum (right, because it's his BREATH that gave it away!) His mom took me to the bus stop and I'm now back at school, an hour and a half away. He texted me this morning to tell me how sorry he was and he knows he's probably lost the only thing that matters to him anymore, but he's been very respectful about me wanting no contact, even without me saying so.

I'm just so done. When I told a friend about it, he asked me when was the last time I was truly (consistently) happy with ABF. The answer, honestly, was before his first relapse. September. Nearly half a year since I've been happy for more than a week. When I've been supportive through his recovery, he's always told me he's glad I'm in his corner, but I'm starting to see that being in HIS corner means being in the opposite of MY corner. And, honestly, I don't think it's helping him at all, either.

We haven't officially broken up yet. He was too drunk last night and I had to take a bus back to school. I'm just worried that I'll lose my resolve if I wait until the weekend when we can see each other. I don't want to be done, but I also don't want to be hanging on for what we USED to be, not what we ARE.

I don't think I can even say the phrase "breaking up." I just think it's better for both of us if he focuses on his recovery. I need things from a relationship that he can't give me with how he is right now, and he needs to be 100% focused on getting better. I know he wants to, now it's just a matter of how hard he's willing to work to get it. Maybe, in a few months, just maybe, we can try again.

It's been a rough day, but I broke out my waterproof makeup, sucked it up, and got through the day--I only cried at work twice! Today also marks one year since my friend's husband committed suicide. It's been really tough thinking about saying goodbye to someone I love when I think about that.

Finally going to grit my teeth and force myself to an Al-Anon meeting this week. Also probably going to get in to see a counselor through the university. Just keep on plugging along.
Ixi is offline  
The Following 13 Users Say Thank You to Ixi For This Useful Post:
AnvilheadII (02-17-2014), blake1989 (02-17-2014), CodeJob (02-17-2014), dandylion (02-18-2014), HealingWillCome (02-17-2014), izzyrose05 (02-17-2014), Katchie (02-17-2014), ladyscribbler (02-17-2014), LifeRecovery (02-18-2014), LooseGrip (02-17-2014), marie1960 (02-17-2014), RollTide (02-18-2014), SeasonlessWorld (02-17-2014)
Old 02-17-2014, 06:07 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,590
welcome back! what a terrible ordeal you experienced just last nite! you handled it very well.

it definitely sounds like you know very clearly what you want and what you need. and that you both need to focus on your own lives -- which right now are so vastly different.

I appreciate that you needed to stay as along as you stayed, and that you got to go to Disney World to see that sly sexy Mickey! LOL what a life event.

take care of yourself, stay strong, know that you are making the right choices with a clear mind!
AnvilheadII is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to AnvilheadII For This Useful Post:
HealingWillCome (02-17-2014), Ixi (02-17-2014), JustAGirl1971 (02-18-2014), ladyscribbler (02-17-2014), SeasonlessWorld (02-17-2014)
Old 02-17-2014, 06:26 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
HealingWillCome's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by Ixi View Post
When I've been supportive through his recovery, he's always told me he's glad I'm in his corner, but I'm starting to see that being in HIS corner means being in the opposite of MY corner.
I think you hit the jackpot with that statement. Nicely put!

The important thing is that you reached that point by yourself, in your own way, on your own time. It's no different than the alcoholic deciding for himself when it's time to quit. We codies have to decide on our own when it's time to give up the alcoholic. And when we know, we know. It's called acceptance. The peace that comes with the acceptance is a gift in itself. You will find your peace, too. Stay strong and keep doing what you're doing. Congratulations on caring for yourself!
HealingWillCome is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to HealingWillCome For This Useful Post:
AnvilheadII (02-17-2014), changeneeded (02-17-2014), CodeJob (02-17-2014), Ixi (02-17-2014), JustAGirl1971 (02-18-2014), ladyscribbler (02-17-2014), MakingMeHappy (02-18-2014)
Old 02-17-2014, 06:48 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Ixi
Member
Thread Starter
 
Ixi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by HealingWillCome View Post
We codies have to decide on our own when it's time to give up the alcoholic. And when we know, we know. It's called acceptance.
I don't think I've reached acceptance yet. It still doesn't feel real. I said an extra long goodbye to his cat last night and gave a long final look at his place thinking about all the memories we've made there over the last two years. But truly, I'm still in denial. Tomorrow they'll come out with the pill to cure alcoholism and we'll stay together. Or we'll work through this like we've worked through the last two relapses.

I don't know. I'm just not there yet. I don't think I even want to be there yet, because then the floodgates will open.
Ixi is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Ixi For This Useful Post:
Brolynbub (02-17-2014), HealingWillCome (02-17-2014), ladyscribbler (02-17-2014)
Old 02-17-2014, 07:41 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
ladyscribbler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,053
Originally Posted by Ixi View Post
I don't think I've reached acceptance yet. It still doesn't feel real. I said an extra long goodbye to his cat last night and gave a long final look at his place thinking about all the memories we've made there over the last two years. But truly, I'm still in denial. Tomorrow they'll come out with the pill to cure alcoholism and we'll stay together. Or we'll work through this like we've worked through the last two relapses.

I don't know. I'm just not there yet. I don't think I even want to be there yet, because then the floodgates will open.
Good call on that Alanon meeting. Sounds like you'll need lots of support and hugs. Alanon is a great place to get those in real time. Let him focus on his sobriety while you focus on you. Virtual ****{hugs}}} to you. Take care and keep posting. We're all here for you.
ladyscribbler is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to ladyscribbler For This Useful Post:
HealingWillCome (02-17-2014), Ixi (02-17-2014)
Old 02-17-2014, 07:47 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 45
Oh how horribly sad for you...I can relate to desperately wanting them to sober up, but deep down knowing there is nothing that can be done. It's hard to come to terms with...I'm glad you're going to counselling. Xo
Brolynbub is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Brolynbub For This Useful Post:
HealingWillCome (02-17-2014), Ixi (02-17-2014), ladyscribbler (02-17-2014)
Old 02-17-2014, 08:41 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
HealingWillCome's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by Ixi View Post
I don't think I've reached acceptance yet. It still doesn't feel real. I said an extra long goodbye to his cat last night and gave a long final look at his place thinking about all the memories we've made there over the last two years. But truly, I'm still in denial. Tomorrow they'll come out with the pill to cure alcoholism and we'll stay together. Or we'll work through this like we've worked through the last two relapses.

I don't know. I'm just not there yet. I don't think I even want to be there yet, because then the floodgates will open.
I understand. I've been through it too. The ups and downs of relapses are terribly hard. I'm hoping you find all the strength and clarity you need to make your way back to your corner. I think that corner is where you will find your safety when those floodgates start to open. Be true to yourself. Honor yourself. You can't go wrong when you do that.
HealingWillCome is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to HealingWillCome For This Useful Post:
Ixi (02-17-2014), ladyscribbler (02-18-2014)
Old 02-17-2014, 09:55 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 41
Blog Entries: 2
Seriously you are telling my story. My exabf was clean finally for a long period of time and then he relapsed again and of course I stayed. Funny you say you stayed for Mickey, well him and I actually went to Florida and went to orlando, and the whole week we were traveling in Florida he stayed sober and we had a great time. It was like we were a normal couple for once in a long time. Then we got home and two days later he relapsed and I was devastated. Well he went back to rehab for the 8th time in 6 years we've been dating and he has been clean since there. He will be clean 10 months on March 7.

We were finally happy. He moved down to Florida because the rehab said he would have a better chance at staying clean down there which he has. I went down to visit him 3 times, and he came back up here twice and every time we were together we were both finally happy and loving each other. I was working a program in al anon and he was working a program in AA.

And then out of no where two weeks after he last visited me and we were talking about me moving down there and can't wait to finally be together again, he breaks up with me. He said he needs to work on his recovery and that he apparently isn't in love with me anymore, when the day before he was saying he was. So yeah...happily ever afters don't come sometimes.

But I've been grieving our break up no for 29 days since it happened. It has been so hard and painful and just heart breaking really. I still very much love him and I wish he still loved me but i can't change how he feels or what he's even thinking, because I really don't think he doesn't love me anymore, i think he just needs to focus on himself.

I'm happy to hear you're going to al anon, it is great and I love it. I have made some great friends and work my program to the best of my ability. You sound like you're young if you're in college, and believe me I am too. I'll be 26 actually in two days and I feel like even though i'm crushed at what we lost, I'm thankful that i'm young, beautiful, and smart and still have a future a head of me and time to find someone new to love me and care about me too.

I hope you find the strength to take care of yourself and just love yourself.
graceandbeauty0 is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to graceandbeauty0 For This Useful Post:
Brolynbub (02-17-2014), CodeJob (02-18-2014), Ixi (02-17-2014), ladyscribbler (02-18-2014), MakingMeHappy (02-18-2014)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:12 AM.