Is it a matter of allowing it to happen? That wasn't allowing it - he did it, he said it you couldn't stop it. I think this behavior when it first springs up is so shocking that there is a disbelief on the receiving end - how could your husband say and do those things?
It takes time to get to a point where you won't accept it anymore and you got there. That is what matters.
Whether he were drunk or sober wouldn't matter to me. Nobody gets an out because they were drunk. Someone who "acts a certain way to get a result" is manipulative, I tend to give them the opposite of what they hope to achieve when dealing with a manipulator.
Your ability to overcome and forgive him AND move forward with him is dependent on his sorrow in behaving that way in the first place, and not doing it anymore.