Hi, when I was drinking I was in this pattern unconsciously. I'd drink, go without, drink again and so on. For years. My whole life was built around it. I never wanted to stop or really tried.
Then one day I did something crazy and I said I can't keep drinking. I sopped.
Then I suffered. Weeks of anxiety, pain, turmoil. Then I realised- I'm not in control. I'm hooked.
I have been lucky to be exposed to the extent of my alcoholism at the same time I decided to quit. I'm in a kind of self reinforcing loop at the moment. The worse I feel the bigger a hold alcohol had on me.
I imagine if I slipped and was consciously unable to stop then I would find that very difficult. You have my love, sympathy and best wishes.