Originally Posted by
Stung 
Lizatola, I'm doing that right now too, although I'm sure dwelling on the past isn't healthy. It's just that I view things so differently now. Yesterday he did me a favor and he was being very bossy and he apologized right after he was being so obnoxious but he apologized for being frantic, I wanted him to apologize for being controlling. In the past I would NEVER have labeled him as controlling but its apparent to me now how controlling his behaviors are. He wants a result and he acts a certain way to get it, however I don't think he's aware of that part of his own behaviors yet. It's like I now have 20/20 vision and it makes some of the past stuff look and feel worse than it did before.
I understand that completely. I don't think I truly understood the pathology associated with the word 'controlling' until I started working my recovery. And, that goes for me, too. I thought I was fixing things FOR HIM. When, in reality, what I was doing was controlling the outcome to lessen the fallout from his behaviors. Whether it be an angry outburst, retaliatory silent treatment, depressive incidents and sulking, etc, I was always trying to control all kinds of things.
It's truly eye opening and then I realized just how controlling my husband was, as well. It sucked, but there's a huge part of me that is relieved. It gives me peace to know that I am on a path of enlightenment for myself, to know my own self better, and to learn how these patterns were created so that they don't happen again.
Just the other day I literally shut the car door on my AH while he was trying to bait me into an argument we were having. I knew we would go in circles, I knew where he was going with the lie he was telling, and I knew the truth and no longer feel the need to prove it to him. So, when he challenged me, I stepped out of the car and walked into the bank, it was his choice whether he was going to follow me or not. It was the end of the conversation. 2 years ago, we would have sat there for an hour going in circles and I'd be on a serious ride to crazy town.