callmemilly

So it’s Saturday morning and I’m struggling just wanting to get some alcohol. It helps me to write, to get it out, because at least then I can put out in front of me all the thoughts underneath urging me to drink.

It has taken me a long time to admit I’m dependent, and have a problem that could get worse if I don’t get it in hand. I do feel addicted. It’s taken a long time for me to say that or come close to saying it. Kept trying to figure out what everyone else thought.

So I have a therapist, and she is away for a couple of weeks, and it’s a long weekend for me in Canada, and typically a prime time to drink. I don’t honestly know if I can make it through today. But I guess that’s a cop out because as soon as I start thinking that, I’m actually considering drinking and over the course of the day the thought will just wear away at me. If I’m honest, I’m thinking about a compromise and just getting a couple drinks. Telling myself that is good enough because I’m resisting drinking a lot. But it’s no good because a ‘couple’ for me actually means quite a bit.

I hope it’s okay for me to post on this forum. I’ve read it off and on for a year, and it has been a real long process for me to acknowledge myself there is a problem. I’m still struggling with naming it, defining it for myself and what it means to me, and I hope that’s okay too. I’m also struggling tremendously with my commitment to not drinking. I’m incredibly ambivalent. But I do think I have made some progress slowly over time, in baby steps.

I feel helpless over it. I want to believe that I’m helpless and to say to everyone that I’m helpless to control it because I want it so bad. But I know- if I make a solid plan for the day, go out at some point for a few hours, don’t come back home til early evening, commit here on that thread, it would help and I could do it. But like I said. Ambivalent.