writing about the struggle
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ontario
Posts: 82
writing about the struggle
So it’s Saturday morning and I’m struggling just wanting to get some alcohol. It helps me to write, to get it out, because at least then I can put out in front of me all the thoughts underneath urging me to drink.
It has taken me a long time to admit I’m dependent, and have a problem that could get worse if I don’t get it in hand. I do feel addicted. It’s taken a long time for me to say that or come close to saying it. Kept trying to figure out what everyone else thought.
So I have a therapist, and she is away for a couple of weeks, and it’s a long weekend for me in Canada, and typically a prime time to drink. I don’t honestly know if I can make it through today. But I guess that’s a cop out because as soon as I start thinking that, I’m actually considering drinking and over the course of the day the thought will just wear away at me. If I’m honest, I’m thinking about a compromise and just getting a couple drinks. Telling myself that is good enough because I’m resisting drinking a lot. But it’s no good because a ‘couple’ for me actually means quite a bit.
I hope it’s okay for me to post on this forum. I’ve read it off and on for a year, and it has been a real long process for me to acknowledge myself there is a problem. I’m still struggling with naming it, defining it for myself and what it means to me, and I hope that’s okay too. I’m also struggling tremendously with my commitment to not drinking. I’m incredibly ambivalent. But I do think I have made some progress slowly over time, in baby steps.
I feel helpless over it. I want to believe that I’m helpless and to say to everyone that I’m helpless to control it because I want it so bad. But I know- if I make a solid plan for the day, go out at some point for a few hours, don’t come back home til early evening, commit here on that thread, it would help and I could do it. But like I said. Ambivalent.
It has taken me a long time to admit I’m dependent, and have a problem that could get worse if I don’t get it in hand. I do feel addicted. It’s taken a long time for me to say that or come close to saying it. Kept trying to figure out what everyone else thought.
So I have a therapist, and she is away for a couple of weeks, and it’s a long weekend for me in Canada, and typically a prime time to drink. I don’t honestly know if I can make it through today. But I guess that’s a cop out because as soon as I start thinking that, I’m actually considering drinking and over the course of the day the thought will just wear away at me. If I’m honest, I’m thinking about a compromise and just getting a couple drinks. Telling myself that is good enough because I’m resisting drinking a lot. But it’s no good because a ‘couple’ for me actually means quite a bit.
I hope it’s okay for me to post on this forum. I’ve read it off and on for a year, and it has been a real long process for me to acknowledge myself there is a problem. I’m still struggling with naming it, defining it for myself and what it means to me, and I hope that’s okay too. I’m also struggling tremendously with my commitment to not drinking. I’m incredibly ambivalent. But I do think I have made some progress slowly over time, in baby steps.
I feel helpless over it. I want to believe that I’m helpless and to say to everyone that I’m helpless to control it because I want it so bad. But I know- if I make a solid plan for the day, go out at some point for a few hours, don’t come back home til early evening, commit here on that thread, it would help and I could do it. But like I said. Ambivalent.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
I always find posting and writing things down greatly helps!!
Your right about having a plan, there's no point in just sitting around thinking about alcohol, that'd drive anyone crazy, instead we need to fill time with activities.
But just think about TODAY, you only need to reach bedtime without a drink, tomorrow you then get another TODAY to focus on!!
You can do it!!
Your right about having a plan, there's no point in just sitting around thinking about alcohol, that'd drive anyone crazy, instead we need to fill time with activities.
But just think about TODAY, you only need to reach bedtime without a drink, tomorrow you then get another TODAY to focus on!!
You can do it!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 286
Oh, we've all been there. And will be there again. (((hugs)))
Remember this -- just don't drink today. Go out and do something if you can do that without stopping and buying some. If you can't, I'd recommend hunkering down at home (assuming you have none there). Then, no matter how big the cravings get, you are at home with nothing to drink. Eventually, those cravings will subside. They will return at some point again, but then they'll subside again.
If you can push through today and tonight, imagine how you'll feel putting your head on the pillow to go to sleep. I can tell you because it's the best part of my days now -- You will feel GOOD. You will feel FREE. You will feel EMPOWERED. You will feel RELIEVED. You will feel PROUD. You will feel BRAVE.
You will feel all those things because you ARE all those things. And you will realize that feeling those things is better than any feeling you were chasing with those cravings for just a few drinks.
And don't even get me started on how good you'll feel the next morning. The other favorite part of my days now.
Come to this board as often as you need. The beauty of it is that there is always someone posting something that will speak to you.
Jackie
Remember this -- just don't drink today. Go out and do something if you can do that without stopping and buying some. If you can't, I'd recommend hunkering down at home (assuming you have none there). Then, no matter how big the cravings get, you are at home with nothing to drink. Eventually, those cravings will subside. They will return at some point again, but then they'll subside again.
If you can push through today and tonight, imagine how you'll feel putting your head on the pillow to go to sleep. I can tell you because it's the best part of my days now -- You will feel GOOD. You will feel FREE. You will feel EMPOWERED. You will feel RELIEVED. You will feel PROUD. You will feel BRAVE.
You will feel all those things because you ARE all those things. And you will realize that feeling those things is better than any feeling you were chasing with those cravings for just a few drinks.
And don't even get me started on how good you'll feel the next morning. The other favorite part of my days now.
Come to this board as often as you need. The beauty of it is that there is always someone posting something that will speak to you.
Jackie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
You can do it. Go do something to take your mind off it. You actions will follow where your mind takes you. I'm going to the RV show today. No I do not want to go, but I will because I need other things to think about. Good luck.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Originally Posted by purpleknight 
I always find posting and writing things down greatly helps!!
Your right about having a plan, there's no point in just sitting around thinking about alcohol, that'd drive anyone crazy, instead we need to fill time with activities.
But just think about TODAY, you only need to reach bedtime without a drink, tomorrow you then get another TODAY to focus on!!
You can do it!!
Your right about having a plan, there's no point in just sitting around thinking about alcohol, that'd drive anyone crazy, instead we need to fill time with activities.
But just think about TODAY, you only need to reach bedtime without a drink, tomorrow you then get another TODAY to focus on!!
You can do it!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: New Hampshire, USA
Posts: 104
Ok so everything I was going to say has already been well stated here, so I will just say give yourself the gift of this one day to not drink and see how you feel tomorrow. You will be amazed at how proud and happy with yourself you will be.
Stay here on the forum today and read, post whatever...it may help you get through....
You can do this!! I am now almost 3 weeks sober and believe me I am really beginning to enjoy it. I never thought I would say that so I have faith that you can give yourself this chance for you.
Sherri
Stay here on the forum today and read, post whatever...it may help you get through....
You can do this!! I am now almost 3 weeks sober and believe me I am really beginning to enjoy it. I never thought I would say that so I have faith that you can give yourself this chance for you.
Sherri
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ontario
Posts: 82
Wow so much support. Thanks. After I posted, I made a better plan for my day. It's better for me to get out of the house and be active, so I have some errands, then will go for a long walk, 5km, with a bit of shopping at the end of it. That will take up a long chunk of the day, when I come home will be dinner time and almost through the day. Afternoon is always the worst part for me because if I'm just moping around alone, I end up drinking by the end.
I feel physically like crap to be honest, my head is pounding since I got up today and I don't know why, but I'm just trying to push through my schedule and ignore it. It will pass.
I feel physically like crap to be honest, my head is pounding since I got up today and I don't know why, but I'm just trying to push through my schedule and ignore it. It will pass.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Hi Milly,
You can do this! During the struggle, it seems easier to just give in, but it's not easier. Life is infinitely more difficult when in the cycle of addiction. It's exhausting. Anything hard is just made harder. You have the power to create the kind of life you want. Know it. Xo
You can do this! During the struggle, it seems easier to just give in, but it's not easier. Life is infinitely more difficult when in the cycle of addiction. It's exhausting. Anything hard is just made harder. You have the power to create the kind of life you want. Know it. Xo
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