Originally Posted by blake1989

Thank you all. I've written her a huge letter, a working letter, that was never sent. I add to it as therapy. It's 6 pages now. My therapist had me write her a letter and never send it as a 'first goodbye'.

Thank you RB and Spiderqueen. Just yesterday I'm giving advice on here, doing great at work, now I can't function because I have some hope or heard those words that give me hope.

I have always tried to protect her and not quote her too much because I'm so internet paranoid, but this freaking note is tormenting me. I almost knew it was coming. I am having to read and reread your replies and internalize them. This is what her note said. This was the whole note. I guess, in this moment of weakness and torment, I want you guys, my support network, to see it.

"Dear Blake, I really don't fully understand this. I know that I made a lot of mistakes. It's hard to live with that. I've been having an extremely awful, horrible time dealing with this. I lost my soul mate and my best friend. I am beyond heartbroken. Words cannot describe the pain and loss that I feel. This is my worst nightmare that I don't wake up from. I will Always love you. If only I could turn back time. I never meant to hurt you. I wanted to cherish you always. My own problems just got in the way I guess. I struggle with my own demons and I ended up taking it out on the person that meant the most to me in the entire world. I am seeking help. This pain is unbearable. I don't see myself with anyone ever again. Thank you for my things. Sorry you felt the need to entirely erase/delete me. With love always,"