As always, alpha, I loved reading your comments.
There may be others besides me in sobriety who've experienced what is something like being in a state of grace. I know that this has been the case for me on several occasions. It isn't at all like the conventional kind of "happiness" that we're trained to throw around, as though happiness is a divine right and that the only way to get it is to work for it; as though it comes from some objective, external source, something we can purchase in all the meanings that word suggests. The right job, the perfect partner, plenty of money.
No, being in a state of grace is like nothing else I've ever experienced. It comes in very different sizes, shapes and colors, and I've been fortunate to have discovered it in the strangest of places. I'm reluctant to describe it in logical terms or by using definitions that are both delimiting and that carry surplus meaning, if only because to do so would trivialize the experience. But I'll give it a go. It's something like being and feeling safe, no matter what else is going on around me. It's something like an alignment of my better self with each moment in time and knowing that this is happening as it happens. And it comes with an overwhelming sense of peace. Appreciating these moments seems to open the possibility of future such moments.
For me, it's never been about "working harder" or doing it "the right way." I've learned that being open to the universe as it presents itself, embracing life's ambiguities, and being willing to traverse the abyss in order to get to a better place can make all the difference in the world.
I wish you and all of us in recovery a state of grace.