120 snuck up on me.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
120 snuck up on me.
I realized I was feeling a little funky the last few days, and checked the Sobertime calculator. Alas, another milestone had come and with it brought a bit of the milestone Wonk.
But far less than it had been in over the last milestones of 30, 60, 90.
There is this new sort of clarity that has come upon me I have not ever known before. Ever. I'm not even sure how to quantify it other than an enlightenment that doesn't necessarily fall under the category of Spiritual.
It almost a feeling of a transcendence, like where lead turns to gold. A completion of sorts in order for new beginnings to break through. A journey that has come to pass and now there is a fork in the road.
The AV will have you know that I have entertained the typical nagging thoughts of "Hmmm, maybe I'm not..." That's one road.
I know where that road ends. And it aint pretty. It ends in physical and spiritual agony, squalor, desperation, lonliness, anxiety and depression. But the AV likes to make me think that everything I know, through proof time and time again, is actually wrong. But it entices me with advertisements of youth and fun and wild glory and being that I'm almost on the wrong side of 40, that appeals to the vanity seeking youthcentric ego that I battle.
The other road, I'm not sure where that one leads. But one thing I know for sure, in the last 4 months, there is not one single solid time that I reflect upon now and think, dang, booze would have made that experience SO MUCH BETTER. The holidays , the travels, the moments that have been emotionally challenging.
Did I want to drink through all of those ? Absolutely. But I didn't want the end result of what those drinks brought with them. Hell on earth.
So off the go into serving months 4-6.
From what I hear, these days ahead will be both the most challenging sobriety wise. And also the most growth filled.
As the brain continues its healing in fits as starts, I'm cautiously optimistic.
There's no turning back now if I want to get out alive.
But far less than it had been in over the last milestones of 30, 60, 90.
There is this new sort of clarity that has come upon me I have not ever known before. Ever. I'm not even sure how to quantify it other than an enlightenment that doesn't necessarily fall under the category of Spiritual.
It almost a feeling of a transcendence, like where lead turns to gold. A completion of sorts in order for new beginnings to break through. A journey that has come to pass and now there is a fork in the road.
The AV will have you know that I have entertained the typical nagging thoughts of "Hmmm, maybe I'm not..." That's one road.
I know where that road ends. And it aint pretty. It ends in physical and spiritual agony, squalor, desperation, lonliness, anxiety and depression. But the AV likes to make me think that everything I know, through proof time and time again, is actually wrong. But it entices me with advertisements of youth and fun and wild glory and being that I'm almost on the wrong side of 40, that appeals to the vanity seeking youthcentric ego that I battle.
The other road, I'm not sure where that one leads. But one thing I know for sure, in the last 4 months, there is not one single solid time that I reflect upon now and think, dang, booze would have made that experience SO MUCH BETTER. The holidays , the travels, the moments that have been emotionally challenging.
Did I want to drink through all of those ? Absolutely. But I didn't want the end result of what those drinks brought with them. Hell on earth.
So off the go into serving months 4-6.
From what I hear, these days ahead will be both the most challenging sobriety wise. And also the most growth filled. As the brain continues its healing in fits as starts, I'm cautiously optimistic.
There's no turning back now if I want to get out alive.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
You seem to becoming adept at recognizing AV in your thoughts. It is very useful to put some distance between those identified thoughts and your own psyche. One way to do this is to appreciate that since you have quit drinking, AV is not you. What it wants is not what you want. What it says is not what you say. What it is, is not what you is. Well, that one doesn't scan so well but you know what I am trying to say here.
I think you are doing just fabulous, AO. Onward with your fine self!
I think you are doing just fabulous, AO. Onward with your fine self!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by freshstart57 
You seem to becoming adept at recognizing AV in your thoughts. It is very useful to put some distance between those identified thoughts and your own psyche. One way to do this is to appreciate that since you have quit drinking, AV is not you. What it wants is not what you want. What it says is not what you say. What it is, is not what you is. Well, that one doesn't scan so well but you know what I am trying to say here.
I think you are doing just fabulous, AO. Onward with your fine self!
I think you are doing just fabulous, AO. Onward with your fine self!
In short I think we are getting to the same point but in vastly different courses, which are now intersecting.
AO - thanks for your wonderful post sister! I know exactly what you mean regarding transcendence, as I am just now feeling this enlightening. I am tearing down the constructs of everything I was led to believe and brainwashed into believing, as it was all an illusion. Shedding of this skin is liberating like being a child again, open to the World.
I somehow don't think you will stumble with 4-6 - its all about you and you seem to have it going on! When one transcends time and space cease to matter. I appreciate the opportunity to be n this journey with you.
We are so proud of you for reaching 120 days. You're doing great - and it'll keep getting better.
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