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Hi all

So - as the title says. I'm so fed up with all of this. I've been a heavy drinker since I was 16 I suppose, and I'm now 28. I know 28 is still quite young, but I'm honestly so tired of all this. All of the money I'm spending. All of the damage I'm causing my body (I found out a while ago that I have overly large red blood cells, pretty much because of my drinking). It's affecting me socially in a huge way - firstly because I've lost friends previously because of being awful when I get drunk. Secondly because I avoid socializing because I'd rather stay at home and drink. And thirdly, because I am always afraid that I smell of drink in work so I may come across as a bit stand offisih.

I drink every night. I've moved onto vodka in the last while - purely 'cause it smells less than wine. I could easily go through a half litre of vodka a night. I'm not even in a place where I can tell myself that I can drink less.

I know that I'm an alcoholic, but what's really bothering me is the daytime when I'm so paranoid (and probably right) that people can get a smell of drink off me. I love my job and I'm good at it, but if I'm in a meeting or sitting with somebody, I spend the whole time trying not to breath at them and praying they don't smell drink.

I'm just so tired of this. Everything is harder than it should be.

I'm not complaining about everything. I love my job (which not everybody can say!). I have lovely parents. I can get on with people. But I have worked hard to maintain all of this with drink fighting me back.

I just want to be able to do the simple things. Meet a friend for coffee and have a genuine chat without wanting to go to a bar. Sit beside somebody without spending the whole time worrying if I smell of drink. Have close friends that I could tell anything to - I've tried before, but who could understand this obsessions!

I've tried and tried and tried to give up drink, but I keep failing. And it should be as simple as don't drink tonight, but I can't even do that. I've developed some weird thing where I'll always be there to chat to people about their problems 'cause I hate seeing people hurting ('cause I know how horrible it is), but I can 100% not talk about mine. And, really, there's no point in talking about my issues, because the only solution is to give up drink and I can't do that. So - what is anybody supposed to say!

I don't know what I'm even expecting from this post. I suppose I just wanted to vent. I hide all of this all of the time and it's just getting so exhausting.