jjkjlklj

Hi all

So - as the title says. I'm so fed up with all of this. I've been a heavy drinker since I was 16 I suppose, and I'm now 28. I know 28 is still quite young, but I'm honestly so tired of all this. All of the money I'm spending. All of the damage I'm causing my body (I found out a while ago that I have overly large red blood cells, pretty much because of my drinking). It's affecting me socially in a huge way - firstly because I've lost friends previously because of being awful when I get drunk. Secondly because I avoid socializing because I'd rather stay at home and drink. And thirdly, because I am always afraid that I smell of drink in work so I may come across as a bit stand offisih.

I drink every night. I've moved onto vodka in the last while - purely 'cause it smells less than wine. I could easily go through a half litre of vodka a night. I'm not even in a place where I can tell myself that I can drink less.

I know that I'm an alcoholic, but what's really bothering me is the daytime when I'm so paranoid (and probably right) that people can get a smell of drink off me. I love my job and I'm good at it, but if I'm in a meeting or sitting with somebody, I spend the whole time trying not to breath at them and praying they don't smell drink.

I'm just so tired of this. Everything is harder than it should be.

I'm not complaining about everything. I love my job (which not everybody can say!). I have lovely parents. I can get on with people. But I have worked hard to maintain all of this with drink fighting me back.

I just want to be able to do the simple things. Meet a friend for coffee and have a genuine chat without wanting to go to a bar. Sit beside somebody without spending the whole time worrying if I smell of drink. Have close friends that I could tell anything to - I've tried before, but who could understand this obsessions!

I've tried and tried and tried to give up drink, but I keep failing. And it should be as simple as don't drink tonight, but I can't even do that. I've developed some weird thing where I'll always be there to chat to people about their problems 'cause I hate seeing people hurting ('cause I know how horrible it is), but I can 100% not talk about mine. And, really, there's no point in talking about my issues, because the only solution is to give up drink and I can't do that. So - what is anybody supposed to say!

I don't know what I'm even expecting from this post. I suppose I just wanted to vent. I hide all of this all of the time and it's just getting so exhausting.

KateL

I was like you for many years. I would never stand too near the other mothers in the school playground and pretty much locked myself away. But vodka does smell. I had never realised, but I can really smell it on others now. You can turn it all around, I promise and you don't need to leave it as late as I did. You have come to a good supportive group. Those friends that you lost will likely have you back too, they would be better for you than big drinkers xxx

GracieLou

Sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have been there my friend.

Either could I until I gave up trying. By that I mean I gave up fighting with it. I waved the white flag. I was done trying to move the bottle around in my life. I was not even aware how much I did that until I stopped doing it. I had done it for 26 years. I had to admit it won and when I did that, when I admitted and accepted that fact, the war ended. It just simply ended and I was released from the jail I had lived in for over half of my life.

I am 10 months sober. You can do it too. We are all here for you and we have all been through it, some to more degrees then others, but we understand.

It all starts with day one, that first 24 hours.

Dee74

Hi jjkjlklj

you've found a great site - I seem people come here convinced they couldn't be sober even for a day who now have years of recovery behind them.

It's that kind of place
There's a lot of encouragement and support here - welcome

D

Nonsensical

Your addiction wants you to believe it's hopeless.

Your addiction lies.

I know because I have had one whispering lies in my head for 25 years now.

Change is possible. Hope is reasonable.

Beanie25

Hi. This forum is a great start, and you are asking for help, that is half the battle. Maybe start with your Doctor, being open and honest, like you have here..there are a lot of options once we admit we can't do it alone. Keep posting.

IOAA2

Hi and welcome to a new life if you choose it and allow suggestions into your life. Fortunately you have what a lot of us don't when we come to the realization what our drinking is doing to us. SELF honesty about it. Next is doing something about it by being here. I also needed to surrender that I could not drink in safety any more and accept that fact. I helps to remember things like you posted above if you start to romanticize drinking in the future. Not saying getting sober is easy but it's very doable with all the help here and places like AA.
It's a fact that if we don't have the first drink we won't have to get sober AGAIN!

BE WELL

Sparkydog

The only solution is to give up drink and you CAN do that, and you should do WHATEVER it takes to do it, because EVERYTHING gets better and easier without the alcohol.

GreenBottles

I am 8 days dry and I also am sick of being an alcoholic. I have to face the fact that I am scared each day that I might betray myself. The betrayal moves fast. A sighting of a cold beer in a fridge door I can see has not been opened all day. (That is why morning beers are the best, have not been opened ALL NIGHT!!! ALL NIGHT MAN! All night long, all night.....
Whoh, dood, you are high from being sober.)
I never imagined that I would be sick of being an alcoholic, even during my sobriety.

so·bri·e·ty
səˈbrīətē,sō-/
noun
1.
the state of being sober.
"the price of beer compelled me to maintain a certain level of sobriety"
synonyms: soberness, clearheadedness;

I have better definition they could use:

2. "the price of sobriety compelled me to realise I am an alcoholic"
synonums: thirsty, itching, straight;

Jus

Hi and welcome JJ.


You're reaching out for help. AWESOME

Your post oozes with so much wisdom, you're fully aware of your situation, and admitting you have a problem with alcohol, that's half the battle.

Welcome to the new you, you're going to do this. Out with the old in with the new.

Wishing you all the best with your new journey.

Think about the relief it will be, giving yourself the gift of sobriety.

You've found an amazing place, SR.

Take care of your beautiful self.

tuxiemama

jjkjlklj

You are a wise and brave soul...... you are being very smart doing this now...

I started drinking when I was 14, then really heavy 17-21, 25-38 and again from 40-48 (now)

I am very sick... all of the time... have had cancer and now heart problems (the latter from drinking)... some days I am so bad I just sit in bed until it is time to go to any of the wine stores I frequent so I can blow $100 on 2 bottles of wine/champagne...

next day... rinse and repeat

Congrats on starting... I am on day 4

IOAA2

Hi and keep coming one day at a time it will get better if we let it.

BE WELL

Ruby2

No one understands what it is like except a bunch of alcoholics so you have found the right place to be.

I was the same way. Paranoid that someone at work would smell the alcohol on me even when I wasn't drunk. Closing myself in my office. Avoiding interaction. Someone did smell the alcohol on me and reported it to one of my supervisors who sat me down for a talk. That was the first time I did treatment. I kept my job but didn't stay sober.

And it got worse. Eventually I lost the position I was in. I wasn't fired, I was transferred to a less desirable position because I was not doing a very good job very well. I kept drinking, and in this new position I could come home for lunch sometimes and did - to drink more. No one confronted me again but I had lost the respect of others and I didn't respect myself.

I went to inpatient treatment. I stayed sober for 10.5 months, relapsed for three months and am back with almost three months now. Fits and starts to getting sober. It is hard but worth it. I am really lucky I've not been fired. But since stopping all areas of my life have gotten better.

Good luck. I feel for you. Coming here is a great place to start.

least

You've come to a wonderful place for support. You can stop drinking. I considered myself a hopeless drunk and now I've been sober over four years. If I can do it, so can you.

Mountainmanbob

you remind me of me back when I was drinking at work
as I look back today I see where that was a very hard life to live

sick and tired
once I got totally sick and tired of myself (a smashed EGO)
I started to live one day at a time sober
it's a much easier life in which to live

your war can be over -- please join us in sobriety

Mountainman

Hearts

Yea, the constant paranoia that someone would smell booze on me. And how horrified I always was when they did. Amazing how that alone didn't snap me out of it immediately. It's not fun. Nothing about it is fun.

jjkjlklj

Thank you very much for all of your replies. I've never known anybody who has the same problem as me, and it really does get to the stage where I'm counting my blessings but wondering why the hell I have to be landed with this one curse. It's horrible.

I know my life would be a million times better if I wasn't drinking, but, despite that, the thought of giving up terrifies me. I'm arguing with myself constantly and the only way to make it stop is to drink. It's not rational. In fact, it's like being in an abusive relationship with somebody who I really love.

I know all of this, but I don't know what's going to get me to stop. I don't want to die young from alcoholism, but that's the way it's going.

It's really nice to hear from you all who have managed to fight and beat this. I can't see a way out - I just feel like I'm more addicted than anybody else. Which is stupid and just another excuse!!

jjkjlklj

Also, I picked an awful username. How the heck am I supposed to stay here with a name like that!

CAPTAINZING2000

Ah
The obsession!

The mind is a powerful thing and it can be reprogrammed to not think about the drink

reflection

I think jjkjlklj has a charming ring to it. you mentioned it being like an abusive relationship - that is the epiphany I had the day I stopped. I was tired of everything too and realized alcohol was not good for me, that I was essentially abusing myself - both mentally and physically - most every time I drank. I'm not going to tell you it's easy to quit, but I can tell you it does feel better (x20 million) to not pummel myself day in and out and to finally start caring about myself. Welcome, j!