IDK. I'm not educated enough about BDP.
It *seems* as though any kind of purposeful lying in an effort to malign your character to friends, family, co-workers etc. would definitely qualify as abusive *to you* & collaterally, to your kids.
It's hard to step back from something that big & be able to
not take it personally, even though it is, of course, all down to HER & HER issues & nothing to do with you at all.
If it's a compulsion she can't "control" due to her mental disorder, she may not see it as abuse.
And that doesn't matter - it's how you & the kids interpret & are affected by her behavior that matters. Kinda like "they aren't drinking AT you" doesn't change the reality of living day-to-day with an alcoholic, or excuse their resulting behavior.
Upshot -- we put her phone on her own account. Probably saves me about $500 to $800 per year. This is like dealing with a teenager-for-life.
[but see, now my Compassion is slipping again. ]
Is it? I'm not so sure. Is it discompassionate to have reasonable {financial} boundaries like this? To me, the fact that you consider her POV (the teen for life) shows compassion/empathy... you "get" where she is coming from. That doesn't mean you have to give in to every difference of opinion in order to remain compassionate, does it? Especially when it negatively impacts the kids?
I'm learning a lot in this thread....
