I'm scared
My alcoholic has told me 6 different times (in writing) that he plans to stop drinking. Once, he stopped drinking for 37 days (so he says). Thing is, I can't trust anything he says. He told me once that he can't do it alone so I told him I would stand by him and help him find out which rehab is covered by our insurance and we would go together and do whatever it takes. That never happened. His drinking has destroyed my trust in him, in our marriage and my self-image. I am slowly coming back to "ME" again through the grace of God but I am SO torn about my relationship with him.
My grandmother used to say that when you point a finger at someone there is always three more pointing back at you. So, I am always turning inward ready to fault myself for the role I play in the destruction of my marriage.
He is always coming to me trying to hug me or kiss me or hold my hand and I honestly find him revolting. Not because he is ugly or hard to look at but because of the rage, anger and horrible feelings I have inside toward him.
I don't want to hug or kiss him - I really just want to scratch his eyes out!
He is so willing to blame everyone else for everything that is wrong. When I sit down with him to tell him about my feelings he sits there telling me that he does want to stop drinking and he does want to be close and he does want to be intimate but I always push him away. So now I am the bad guy because I push him away. How about holding yourself responsible and being accountable for your actions! Stop drinking and maybe one day I'll find you attractive again!!!
I'm so numb.