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Old 01-30-2014, 10:36 AM
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I'm new

I'm new to chat rooms so bare with me. I joined this Forum because I have finally braved my first Alanon meeting and attended my 2nd meeting last night. It's funny how my higher power speaks through these people. Each meeting so far has spoken volumes to me and now I feel confused.

My alcoholic has the disease but have the real problems in our relationship stemmed from ME and not him? He is not physically abusive but I swear sometimes I really feel emotionally and mentally manipulated.

My alcoholic lost his job months ago and hasn't found a new job yet. We are officially a month behind on all our bills now and every time I am in the middle of trying to figure out how much money should go toward paying which bill this month he goes out to buy more alcohol leaving me struggling with bill paying. He has drained our savings account so far to buy alcohol while he is jobless and has now moved on to our checking account. I can't help feeling the anger and resentment toward him for not caring enough to stop drinking so I can pay the mortgage or support our home.

Accepting I am powerless is very difficult right now. I can't seem to get past all this anger, resentment and loneliness.

I thought marriage was supposed to be teamwork and partnership? I am on one side of him trying to have a semi-"normal" life and alcohol is on the other side of him pulling him in the opposite direction.

Should I not pay the mortgage and lose our home? Or do I not pay the electric bill so we can't watch TV or my son can't play Xbox? Our children are growing out of their clothing by the day and I can't keep up. But he certainly doesn't feel guilty about withdrawing money to support his habit.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me ramble.
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Old 01-30-2014, 10:44 AM
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Hi Regina,

Welcome. It sounds like you are in a really difficult situation and I am sorry to hear that. If I were your husband I think the best thing you could do for me is to kick me out. I realize that is MUCH easier said than done and I am not really saying this is what you must do, but do keep this option. If my husband had kicked me out I probably would have been very angry and upset but would truly have realized (I hope) what my alcoholism was doing to the family.

A lot of people here have a lot more experience than I have and I am sure many will disagree with me. I know others will chime in.

Mostly, welcome and keep on posting.
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Old 01-30-2014, 10:52 AM
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How did he lose his job?
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Old 01-30-2014, 11:06 AM
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I'm New

he lost his job due to downsizing. However, my gut feeling tells me the reason he was selected as part of the downsizing was because of his drinking. Months before he lost his job I discovered a mini water bottle filled with vodka when I was cleaning out his lunch box one day.

Everything always comes back to his drinking, doesn't it?
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Old 01-30-2014, 11:27 AM
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Wow, Regina I'm sorry you're going through this. Has he ever received treatment? Or would he even consider it? Do you have any family that you can turn to for emotional support? I agree with 2bhappier in that I really do think that you need to start thinking about yourself and your children if he's not going to be there for you. Do keep posting, we're here for you.
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Old 01-30-2014, 11:34 AM
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Hi and best wishes. Your in good hands with AlAnon and I would go to meetings at every opportunity as it will help you gain some sanity. No one except the alcoholic can get the alcoholic sober or drunk. A sponsor would be a great aid for you at this point if you use her.

BE WELL
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Old 01-30-2014, 11:49 AM
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I'm scared

My alcoholic has told me 6 different times (in writing) that he plans to stop drinking. Once, he stopped drinking for 37 days (so he says). Thing is, I can't trust anything he says. He told me once that he can't do it alone so I told him I would stand by him and help him find out which rehab is covered by our insurance and we would go together and do whatever it takes. That never happened. His drinking has destroyed my trust in him, in our marriage and my self-image. I am slowly coming back to "ME" again through the grace of God but I am SO torn about my relationship with him.

My grandmother used to say that when you point a finger at someone there is always three more pointing back at you. So, I am always turning inward ready to fault myself for the role I play in the destruction of my marriage.

He is always coming to me trying to hug me or kiss me or hold my hand and I honestly find him revolting. Not because he is ugly or hard to look at but because of the rage, anger and horrible feelings I have inside toward him.

I don't want to hug or kiss him - I really just want to scratch his eyes out!

He is so willing to blame everyone else for everything that is wrong. When I sit down with him to tell him about my feelings he sits there telling me that he does want to stop drinking and he does want to be close and he does want to be intimate but I always push him away. So now I am the bad guy because I push him away. How about holding yourself responsible and being accountable for your actions! Stop drinking and maybe one day I'll find you attractive again!!!

I'm so numb.
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Old 01-30-2014, 12:39 PM
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Rage

The rage and resentment I feel is absolutely suffocating me.

I feel comfort when I go to church and when I attend Alanon but then I hate to come home. If not for my children I probably would have left him years ago when I found warm beer cans shoved in shoe boxes in his closet.

Thank you for letting me vent.
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Old 01-30-2014, 12:40 PM
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a sponsor and step work might help you figure all this out

hugs & love to you
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Old 01-30-2014, 01:22 PM
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Welcome to SR! You're certainly in a tough spot. Is there any way you can leave with the kids and live elsewhere? If he were in the home and not paying for it he'd have to move out if the bank foreclosed on it.

I don't know what else to suggest other than keeping up with AlAnon meetings and the support you find there. We also have a forum just for people in your situation. Post your questions there for more insight from people who have walked in your shoes.


Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 01-30-2014, 02:01 PM
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Hi Regina,

Welcome. As Least said, Join the Friends and Family forum. The people on the forum provide a wealth of support and advice.

I have been in your shoes. With husband losing his job due to drinking and drugging, draining the accounts to support his habit, me panicking about scrambling to pay bills and juggling them all. I've had the feeling that you described in wanting to scratch his eyes out because you are so angry that he is doing this and he comes to you for affection (although I always felt like strangling mine instead of scratching his eyes out). I certainly didn't want to be intimate with my husband. At all.

Yes, this is/was me. Exactly. And it is understandable that you are angry. And resentful. I felt like I was sinking and here my husband was telling me that things would get better, put the bills on the credit card meanwhile give him twenty more dollars to get high or buy beer. I also looked at myself and wondered what I was doing to cause all this.

I didn't cause the problem with my husband. You did not cause the problem with your husband either. You aren't forcing your husband to drink and my armchair assessment from what you have written is that he is an alcoholic. And he has promised you what you wanted to hear - that he will get sober and he hasn't done it. He continues to drain your resources. It will continue and will most like get worse the longer he is drinking. This is what I did...

I kicked my husband out. I work and make enough for us to get by. But with him NOT working AND taking money out of my accounts I did not have enough money. Christmas was miserable. I was always, always worrying about money. Worrying about what was going to happen next. My husband went out on Christmas Eve, drinking and drugging, and didn't come home at all on Christmas. I told him he had to find someplace else to stay - that I could not longer have him at home. I couldn't deal with the craziness anymore.

Now, just five weeks later, without him draining our accounts and without me having to pay for his car insurance, gas, credit card, etc. I actually am making ends meet and have been able to put a little bit into savings. It has been extremely liberating that I can do this on my own. I don't know what your financial situation is. Whether you are working or not. Asking your husband to move out could be an option. It doesn't sound like he is giving anything back for all that he is taking.

It doesn't have to be a permanent move out. I am not even sure I am going to take that step. I just needed some room to breathe and not have to worry all the time. Sounds like you might need that too. You can do it. It can be done. And a p.s. - I also started reading the book co-dependent no more. That has helped me too.
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Old 01-31-2014, 06:03 AM
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Sad

Ruby2, thank you for sharing your story and yes, it does sound very familiar. As I read back through my babbling posts I realized that I sound like a raving lunatic who is desperate. That's not me but that's who I've become in this situation. And that makes me Sad.

I don't like who I've become and want to get back to the real me. I don't think I should make any radical changes in my life until I've gotten a true handle on who I am again.

I don't want my children (10 and 12) to believe that how I treat my husband is acceptable and on the flip-side I don't want them to think that what my husband is doing is acceptable either.

I feel confused about what the right decision should be and until I'm not confused about that anymore I am going to continue attending meetings and continue doing what I feel is positive in my life. I can't allow his negativity to dictate or control my happiness anymore.

Thank you Least and sugarbear1 I will try your advice and hope that through step work and attending meetings I will figure out what my next step should be.

Stay tuned...
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Old 01-31-2014, 06:09 AM
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We will stay tuned. I didn't like who I'd become either. A screaming lunatic.angry and frustrated that I felt stuck. Paralyzed about making decisions because I didn't trust myself to make them. Is it the right one? Is it the wrong one? I hope you have avoided that bit.

Sounds like you have some pretty good ideas and are thinking things out. All of which are great things.
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Old 01-31-2014, 06:22 AM
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Indecisive

Ruby2,
That is EXACTLY what I am right now. The screaming lunatic, angry, raging, frustrated, paralyzed to make a decision. Yes, that's me. And NO I do not like it at all. It's not who I am and not who I was raised to be.

I've made appointments with Divorce Mediators and can't work up the courage to sit down to talk to him about it because I don't want to discuss it while he is under the influence and I never really know if he is or he isn't.

I also don't want to traumatize my children and want to make it as painless (if that's even realistic) as possible for them. And I am scared. Scared to make the choice, afraid to be the bad guy in my children's eyes. They view my husband as a good Dad and he is, but they don't understand alcoholism and under these circumstances if I file for divorce I will certainly be the monster.

This is all why I want to continue to go to Meetings, seek help for me and try not to make any radical decisions until I've thought everything completely through.

getting advice and hearing stories from those who have been in my shoes is really a great comfort too. Knowing I am not alone is comforting.
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Old 01-31-2014, 06:36 AM
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Why don't you take the remaining money out of checking at least and put it in your own account?
That way you can maybe get by a bit longer if you aren't ready to do anything about asking him to leave.

Another option might be to leave yourself, take the kids, and go stay with your parents for awhile.
My take on this is that you are allowing him to take the money and there is zero incentive for him to stop drinking since you are putting up with it.

I know it is hard, but the kids are being hurt anyway by being in this situation.
They absolutely feel the stress, anger, and tension much more than many adults realize.
I was one of those kids and it was very harmful growing up in an active alcoholic's home.

I'm sorry for your situation but it does sound like you need to take action and soon.
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Old 01-31-2014, 06:56 AM
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Trying

Hawkeye13,
I have already started doing things like you suggest such as opening my own checking and savings account and I stopped direct deposits into the joint savings account by my employer and transferred the direct deposits into the account in my name only. My next step is to change the direct deposit from the joint checking into the checking in my name.

Leaving isn't so easy for me. Mainly because of the kids. Do I just take them and leave? How do I explain that to them? Do I just leave the house behind with my name attached to it? There are so many variables that are too lengthy to explain here.

It would be so much more cut and dry if he was abusive to me or the children. The reason for leaving would be clear. Not that I am wishing that on myself. But to my husband, he thinks his alcoholism is simple and there's nothing wrong with him drinking "a few beers" every night to relieve stress because he still takes care of his responsibilities. He drives the kids to the school bus, washes the dishes or does his laundry or coaches my son's basketball team. Meanwhile, our relationship is deteriorating and since there aren't any consequences to face he just keeps going on status quo making me appear that I'm making a big deal about something trivial.

Anyway, I just wish it wasn't so complicated and I wish I wasn't so afraid to make a choice.
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Old 01-31-2014, 08:29 AM
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Good luck with all that needs doing, act now before you end up homeless.
Love John.
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Old 01-31-2014, 09:30 AM
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I want to welcome you and encourage you to go over to the Friends and Family forum. Read the stickies on the top, there is so much support and information there.

I understand where you are. Please keep your children #1. I did not leave my husband, we are still together. He is making a huge effort but I believe it is too little too late. I have an 8 and 14 year old, you would not believe the resentments they feel towards him and me too I think for enabling him. I will say that I know just what you mean. It turns you into someone you are not and don't want to be. My older daughter told me the other day off the cuff that she thinks I am bipolar. I was so sad as I have let myself change so much in reaction to alcoholism. However, I am working on that. I am getting the help I need and have set clear boundaries...for me.

God Bless!
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Old 01-31-2014, 09:36 AM
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Grateful

hopeful4,
I am so sorry for your situation. That is exactly what I am trying to prevent and I don't want my children to hate me for a divorce but if I don't do something now I am going to lose myself.

I am desperate. I also feel that it won't matter if he gest help for himself or not because its also too little too late. At this point I really don't care if he does or if he doesn't and that makes me sad. How have I become so cold to a person who I once loved so much?

You are the third person in this forum who has told me to go to the other forum so I guess I should go check it out huh?

Thanks for sharing.
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Old 01-31-2014, 09:43 AM
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I truly do understand. While my husband is working hard toward sobriety and making strides, I don't really feel it anymore. It's too late. One of the things I have heard over and over is children of addicts so many times end up resenting the parent who did not leave. They resented how they became and the strife in the house much more so than the alcoholism itself. I keep this in mind all the time.

I do suggest the other forum, it's a great place over there!
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