He is trying to prove he can be at home without blowing up, or maybe he doesn't want to be at his parents' anymore, or maybe they don't want him there anymore, maybe his friends don't have time for him, or don't want him around. ...
He says he is coming back because he belongs at home, and wants to spend time with the kids. He thinks I am being unreasonable - he agrees that he was out of control, but now that he has had 6 or so anger management sessions, he keeps saying he has the tools to deal with his anger now and he wants to come home.
He said that now that he is so good at controlling his anger, this isn't about the kids anymore, I am keeping him out of the house because of me, and he even asked me what I would do if he just decided he was coming home, even though I don't think it is a good idea.
Up to now I have not flat out said he cannot come home, and keep asking him politely to stay away until he gets himself together. Up to now, although he has been upset and hurt by it, and reacted in anger, hanging up on me or leaving and slamming the door, he has not come by when I have asked him not to.
I had spoken to DS who is 6 and explained that Daddy needed to be out of the house until he learns to stay calm. AH told the kids he is working, and when it is time for him to leave, he tells the kids Daddy has to go to work now. DS keeps asking me, when AH arrives for a visit, Can Daddy stay this time Mommy?
AH continues to make comments in front of the children along the lines that he wants to come home, and asks me if he can stay, or says But Mommy doesn't want me to stay, etc.
Let me be clear, my issues with him are:
1. Drug Use
2. Anger
3. Lies
4. Laziness
These are the things that make it too hard to live with him. If they are not dealt with, then the kids and I can't be happy.
When he left, he said he had stopped using drugs and quit smoking cigs. He was on the Patch and some pills from the doctor, like Zyban, for quitting smoking. He cites pain as the key reason he "needs" to smoke pot. He went to the doctor and had tests and scans done to see what could be causing his pain. The Dr. tried anti-inflamatories, and then switched him to some non-addictive pain meds used to treat fibromyalgia. All the tests came back negative. there is no reason for him to have pain. His anger was totally out of control. I know he has been smoking since he left, even though he lied to my face and told me he had not. After he left, he started Anger Management.
How can I believe he has really stopped using without any help? He is obviously still lieing since he lied to me about smoking, he proved last night that he still isn't working on the laziness, leaving his dishes and empty beer on the table for me to deal with. He is trying to show that he is trying to change -- how can I believe he means it, and it's not typical addict behaviour, telling you what you want to hear so he can get back to how things were, and go back to using and being supported with a place to live and meals and laundry done for him etc.