hLast Chance

Old 09-13-2013, 05:22 AM
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hLast Chance

I have spent a lot of time here, reading, posting and asking for advice. Thank you to all of you who have posted and shared with me.

AH has been straight for two days, and we sort of sat next to eachother last night and talked at opposite walls. Both of us were sniffing and wiping our eyes.

Yesterday he mentioned he thought he needed to up his meds. He takes SSRI's for anxiety/anger issues. He has already had them doubled once. I did some research - that's what I do. I found articles about Doc's prescribing SSRI's based on certain symptoms, which are also symptoms of long-term chronic use of MJ. So, in all likelyhood he is taking the SSRI's to deal with the MJ use. It also seems that MJ makes the side effects of SSRI's worse, and SSRI's reduce the effectiveness of MJ. Wow, what a horrible cycle!

We had a conversation -- a real conversation -- about this exact issue. He has seen how easily he is losing his temper, and he is scared and wants to fix it. I asked him not to call the GP, but to call the addictions treatment screeneing and referral number. I said I thought they could refer him to a mental health professional who could help him get off the MJ, adjust the meds, or maybe get off the meds completely. I know it really bugs him that he has to take them.

He took the number, saved it in his phone, and asked me for the article on the SSRI/MJ interaction I found. He said he has nothing scheduled at work today, and will be sitting around twiddling his thumbs. He said if I didn't care, I wouldn't argue with him all the time, wouldn't take the time to look these things upetc. I told him if I didn't care, and didn't believe in him, I would be gone already.

Indeed, last night I was done. I lay in bed next to him and thought "this is it" and started to think that moving wouldn't be as bad as being where I am now.

It was my intention to come to work today and use the internet to find a lawyer to start to find out where I stand, and what I need to do to get out. I did not say any of this. Apparently he was laying there thinking about what his life has come to.

How can I support him, without trying to take over? What should I be doing to protect me and the kids if he doesn't follow through? What can i do to support the kids and I through this?

I want to be ready with answers, if he does go and get referred to a inpatient treatment program. I want to say "I've got this, you take care of you, get better and then we'll start again". I want to know what to do if he gets any sort of treatment at all.
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Old 09-13-2013, 06:35 AM
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Maybe it would be good to make a financial plan that would have you making all the financial income and bill payments. Add up what expenses you have each month and see if your income will cover it. If it won't, then look at what expenses you can cut back on or eliminate. You may be amazed how little you can live on. If you are living beyond your means, then now would be the time to rethink where you live and what you need and adjust to what you can afford.

The reason I suggest this is because knowing you could be financially independent may give you some relief, knowing you can leave if and when you choose...or you can ask him to. Also, you will know that you can carry the load should he put action behind his words of getting help.

Years ago Mr. Ann and I hit some serious financial difficulties. We had to make a lot of changes in our lives, rent for a while and save every cent. Eventually we got completely out of debt and we own our place today and have no debt outside our normal living costs such as utilities and taxes. It feels good and if I can do it, anyone can do it.

The above doesn't solve your problems dealing with your husband and his addiction, but it will help you to know you have options and a plan in place for whatever lies ahead.

Good luck...to both of you.

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Old 09-13-2013, 12:41 PM
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I am financially independent from my husband. It helps me tremendously that I know I can take care of me and the kids without him. Not that it's a pleasure, but it can be done. I hope he follows through with some sort of plan. I'll pray for you that he does.
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Old 09-19-2013, 09:05 AM
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A few days to go until the appointment. His pocket was full with another bag of weed, paid for no doubt with my baby bonus that was supposed to come yesterday.

Next month it will have been switched to direct deposit, so he can't get it anymore.

I find waiting around for him to go to this appointment hard, and i'm sure there are waiting times once you get a referral too.
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Old 09-24-2013, 04:51 AM
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AH went to the screening and referral meeting last night. He was there 2 hours, and then they suggested he go and check out an NA meeting. And you know what? He went! He said it scared the hell out of him, to see so many people down and out, with not a lot left to live for, physically a mess.

"I don't want to end up there".

The NA meeting he went to was right downtown in a bad area of the city, so I imagine there was a lot of pretty good illustrations of what he is headed for. He didn't feel like he belonged there, but said he was really glad he went. The Referral service had told him they didn't think he belonged with that group, but they thought it would be good for him to go. They are looking for a T closer to home, and supposed to call him back today.

I suggested that he might try an NA meeting closer to home. I wonder if NA meetings in a smaller town might not be so bleak.. .. maybe he could feel like he belonged.

I honestly didn't think he was going to the appointment.

Now I have to step up to the plate; I believe there is hope. I will try to find another T for me, or a meeting. I need to know what my role will be in his recovery, if he chooses to go down the path that is wide open and waiting for him.

Um -- "I need to know what my role will be in his recovery"
No -- I need to work on my recovery.

Thanks for all the support through this everyone, I have learned so much here, and will keep working on getting me right.
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Old 01-28-2014, 07:49 AM
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AH's behaviour got worse and worse. Before Christmas the kids and I spent a couple days away from the house. His family were involved, and they tried to convince him to go for help. He said he wanted help, but for his anger issues, not for addiction issues. When the kids and I came back things were good for a few days, and started going downhill again.

Then he said he quit smoking pot, and on Christmas Day he quit smoking cigs. That week AH started with the patch.

Things got very tense, and he seemed to be on the verge of an outburst all the time. Stress was very high, the kids were feeling it and acting badly, I felt miserable. He had been to the doctor and gotten pills to help him quit smoking, and other pills that were supposed to help with pain, trying several different options. Pain is his main reason cited for smoking pot.

Just over two weeks ago, after he had an embarrassing fit in a local restaurant, and after we were home and he had taken time to calm down, I told him that I was not going to stand by and watch him pitch a fit in front of the kids anymore. If he was going to pitch a fit, he needed to go out of the house, or I would take the kids and go, but either way the kids were not going to be subjected to that anymore. That was a Saturday.

He thought I said "get out" so he packed a bag and left. Over the rest of the weekend he left and came back several times, and ended up leaving without contacting us for 4 days.

During that time I worked from home, made arrangements for the kids to get to school and daycare, found a carpool to get into the city to work, and started to organize my life around him not being there. Eventually he contacted me and said he wanted to come home.

I politely asked him to stay away until he got himself sorted out. He found a T and started Anger Management. We have had several actual conversations since that time, although more of them ended with him hanging up on me than not, at least they were without shouting and name calling.

He says he is still clean, still not smoking, and working on the anger. He wants to come home. I know he has had several cigarettes at least, since his family has seen him smoking. I had a long talk with him, explained that the drugs are a deal breaker, the anger and the lies are also deal breakers. I explained I thought it would take a long time to work things out, before we could live together again.

He is trying to come to the house to see the kids more often now. He has come the past two weekends, but now wants to take the kids to activities during the week - activities I can't get them to. I don't know how to feel about that. I don't know if this is an honest attempt to really get straight, or if it is acting in order to be able to slip back into the ould routines again.

Today he called me at work to yell at me, I refused to participate. I sent him a text message explaining I am at work, and my colleagues are listening. He went right back to the old pattern, telling me I think he is good for nothing, and that it is my fault he is not at the house and I have all the work to do myself. I had told him I would go to speak to a T with him, if he made the appointment. He managed to give that back to me, saying I could probably get free counselling through work, and I should make the appointment, since he is the one getting help for himself, I should be proving I am willing to fix my problems.

I don't want to call the counselling place from my desk, or from the hallway, and it is freaking cold outside! -33C right now. I am NOT calling from outside either :o

Last week the kids and I had such a relaxed week. There was no fighting, no yelling, very little bad behaviour. People at work kept commenting about my smile. I went out on the weekend with a friend, just adults, and I didn't have to worry about what was happening at home with AH and the kids, fi they were getting yelled at etc. since they were with my family.

Now that AH called me to yell at me at work, because he asked me why I was upset last evening when he picked up DS for floor hockey, and I explained that he had made me feel bad for shovelling the laneway, he undid some work I had done at the house while looking for the hockey helmet, and put more pressure and work on my already full plate, expecting me to get the gear together and have homework and dinner done early, in order to take DS to floor hockey, which AH signed DS up for in an attempt to appease my requirement that he start to put the kids and their needs ahead of his own.

I don't feel ready to have him back in the house, and I don't know how to know if he is being truthful, since he lies about everything and anything regularly, knowing full well that people who know the truth first-hand will be talking to the person he is currently lieing to. How can you ever trust an A, or RA? How can I know if he is really an RA now?

I have taken a giant leap and landed on my feet, but now I don't know if I should run or reach back to pull (R?)AH along and go forward together.
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Old 01-28-2014, 08:03 AM
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Hey, have not visited in a while.

Good to see you doing gooder.

As far as the Order of the March.

Here is mine --

1. The Kids. Kids are the #1 Priority. None of the kids are named Mrs. Hammer, so I know she is not a #1 Priority.
2. Me. Learned that in Alanon. Since I do the kids thing as #1, I have to take care of me to ensure that #1 stays #1. Mrs. Hammer is not named "me," so again, not a priority.

What I have figured out -- A's are actually FAR More Resourceful than we may think -- They manage to get their Drug of Choice ALL ON THEIR OWN, no? Turns out they can do a LOT of things on their own. Including Sobriety if they so choose.

I propose we let them.

Good on you for taking care of the kids and you.
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Old 01-28-2014, 08:23 AM
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When an addict starts messing with their own meds that is not a good thing. I advise against that....always. Addict or not really, that is what a doctor is for. I will say my AH's Dr. switched up his meds and one made him very angry and hostile. He read up on it more and found it to be a side effect for some. He called his doctor, she told him to stop taking it right away and switched him back. It took a couple weeks to get out of his system but what a relief. He is not normally an angry person like that, it was miserable.

I suggest you work out a plan for yourself to get out. Figure out what you want and set small goals to get yourself there. I also recommend counseling with a counselor who specializes in addiction and meetins for support.

One of the things I tell my AH is that he needs to get his own support system, that is not me. I am way too close to his situation and need support myself. I cannot be that for him. That is what meetings are for, should he choose to work a program he will have a sponsor that can help him work through this.

Keep posting, it will help to get it all off your chest, but make sure you have face to face help too. And lastly, remember the safety and wellbeing of your children are #1...always.

God Bless!
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Old 01-28-2014, 08:43 AM
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So besides calling you at work to yell at you, undoing things you did at your home, putting more pressure on you and his sudden interest in his kids……………does any of that look like recovery to you??
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Old 01-28-2014, 12:23 PM
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Well, seeing a T about the anger management is a good step forward, and he went to the doctor yesterday and asked for a drug screening so he could "prove" to us that he isn't using.
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Old 01-28-2014, 12:26 PM
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I would say are you happy with his behavior, using or not?? This is no marathon. You have him out now, it is a good time to look at some things and not be in a rush. Actions over a long period of time is what shows a person's true colors.

God Bless!
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Old 01-30-2014, 05:33 AM
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I really wanted time to think, and time to work on me and the kids. I got one week, and now he is showing up at the house daily. He is still being antagonistic towards me. He starts by speaking to me nicely when he arrives, but he has slammed the door in anger on his way out each time. He keeps telling me I have an anger problem, since I have raised my voice when trying to get the attention of the children, and because I was clanging the dishes while I was clearing the table. I did raise my voice, because the kids were totally out of control. I had to shout to be heard, but once I had their attention I dropped the volume, while keeping a stern tone. When he is around, and for at least the next day, the children are rude, sarcastic, bold and hurt eachother.

The daycare provider has even said to me what nice kids they were being last week, no talking back, no fighting, even remembering their manners most of the time (something they ALWAYS did until about a year ago).

I am sure that my behaviour contributes to the stress, and they feel that. I have such a hard time when AH is constantly at me, attacking what I do and pressuring me to say he can move back home. I did clear the dishes loudly - probably not the most mature way to handle things - he made me feel guilty for not including him in dinner the evening before when he was there waiting for me when I got home from work. So I said he would be welcome to join us last evening. I paid for the food, I cooked it, he ate it, left his dishes and empty beer bottle on the table for me to clean up after him as usual.

AH is really good at turning everything around to make me feel as though I am being unreasonable. When he is not there I can see clearly how his being in the house changes the dynamic so that everyone is on edge, things don't go smoothly, and everyone ends up in a bad mood. When he is there, I always end up feeling cornered and angry. He always has to say something in front of the kids about wanting to come home, just to be sure they know it is Mommy who is causing him not to be there everyday.

He is still going to anger management, soon he will have the results of his drug screening so he can "wave it under our noses" (he said that, really), and he is trying to go for Dad of the Year by signing the kids up for activities and paying for them - which means he has to be at the house 3 days a week, one for each activity, to take them.

I will contact my Employee Asisstance Program today, and see what counselling they offer. I guess it can't hurt to talk to someone, and perhaps for the two of us to talk to someone together. Maybe I will at least be able to have my feelings heard without him blowing up and saying that I am attacking him and blaming him for everything. Maybe.
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Old 01-30-2014, 06:56 AM
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Please don't let him switch this around and make it feel like it is YOU. That is a common tactic addicts use, it's manipulation, don't fall for it! These are his behaviors, make him own them. And goodness, why is he coming back each day? If you tell him you need space will he go away?

I am glad you are going to seek assistance. It is really great your employer offers an assistance program, utilize it!
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Old 01-30-2014, 08:35 AM
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He is trying to prove he can be at home without blowing up, or maybe he doesn't want to be at his parents' anymore, or maybe they don't want him there anymore, maybe his friends don't have time for him, or don't want him around. ...

He says he is coming back because he belongs at home, and wants to spend time with the kids. He thinks I am being unreasonable - he agrees that he was out of control, but now that he has had 6 or so anger management sessions, he keeps saying he has the tools to deal with his anger now and he wants to come home.

He said that now that he is so good at controlling his anger, this isn't about the kids anymore, I am keeping him out of the house because of me, and he even asked me what I would do if he just decided he was coming home, even though I don't think it is a good idea.

Up to now I have not flat out said he cannot come home, and keep asking him politely to stay away until he gets himself together. Up to now, although he has been upset and hurt by it, and reacted in anger, hanging up on me or leaving and slamming the door, he has not come by when I have asked him not to.

I had spoken to DS who is 6 and explained that Daddy needed to be out of the house until he learns to stay calm. AH told the kids he is working, and when it is time for him to leave, he tells the kids Daddy has to go to work now. DS keeps asking me, when AH arrives for a visit, Can Daddy stay this time Mommy?

AH continues to make comments in front of the children along the lines that he wants to come home, and asks me if he can stay, or says But Mommy doesn't want me to stay, etc.

Let me be clear, my issues with him are:
1. Drug Use
2. Anger
3. Lies
4. Laziness

These are the things that make it too hard to live with him. If they are not dealt with, then the kids and I can't be happy.

When he left, he said he had stopped using drugs and quit smoking cigs. He was on the Patch and some pills from the doctor, like Zyban, for quitting smoking. He cites pain as the key reason he "needs" to smoke pot. He went to the doctor and had tests and scans done to see what could be causing his pain. The Dr. tried anti-inflamatories, and then switched him to some non-addictive pain meds used to treat fibromyalgia. All the tests came back negative. there is no reason for him to have pain. His anger was totally out of control. I know he has been smoking since he left, even though he lied to my face and told me he had not. After he left, he started Anger Management.

How can I believe he has really stopped using without any help? He is obviously still lieing since he lied to me about smoking, he proved last night that he still isn't working on the laziness, leaving his dishes and empty beer on the table for me to deal with. He is trying to show that he is trying to change -- how can I believe he means it, and it's not typical addict behaviour, telling you what you want to hear so he can get back to how things were, and go back to using and being supported with a place to live and meals and laundry done for him etc.
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Old 01-30-2014, 12:34 PM
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You are doing the right thing by not allowing him to live with you again.

You make the statement that you are happier; things run smoother and the kids behave better.

His recovery is his business. I tell that to myself on a daily basis. He needs to do the work over a long period of time.

You need to work on yourself or your recovery. I am glad that you are contacting your EAP for a counselor. Good work!

Next, you may want to set up some sort of schedule for visiting the kids instead of him dropping in....etc. If he doesn't do it willingly perhaps a legal separation is in order.
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Old 01-30-2014, 01:00 PM
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You already have your answer, don't you?
What is your gut instinct telling you here?

Please trust it and if you are worried, don't let him back in.
You and your kids have a right to peace and safety.

To me the fact is is trying to use the children to manipulate you by saying
things like you won't let him back in is a huge red flag. Be careful!
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Old 02-05-2014, 05:35 AM
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This is week 4 of living separately..

AH made the weekend completely miserable. He would not let up, kept calling and texting me, having arguments and trying to push me into admitting it is my fault he isn't living at home.

He actually said that I am responsible for his behaviour. Then he reconsidered, and said I was at least partially responsible for his behaviour. Then he reconsidered that too and said that I am responsible for making him the monster that he is.

AH's father even showed up at my door to tell me I am a liar, and accuse me of abusing my children. AH threatened to call my Mommy on me, and tell her what a bad person I am. He also threatened to tell her about my previous drug use, and drag other members of my family through the mud.

At one point AH would not stop yelling at me over the phone, and I explained to him he was not staying calm, and he was making me upset, and I would not continue the conversation. i had to hang up on him. He started calling back over and over. After about 25 minutes straight of the phone ringing, I answered it and told him I was not going to have another argument, I gave him several minutes of telling me what a bad person I am, and then hung up on him again. He Continued calling, we went another round, and then I blocked his number, so he started calling from another number . .... he called for over 2 hours straight, and I was honestly afraid that he would come to the house, do something stupid, cause another sceen or try to take the kids.

TERRIBLE WEEKEND

And then once again, someone flipped a switch, and he is back to being calm, able to at least be civil, and saying how much he wants to work things out.

He also had to admit that he has only been to 4 anger management sessions, since he had to give me the receipts to claim through insurance. So that is more lies.

He says his behaviour on the weekend was the only way he could think of to try and make me take him back.

So, I think making a schedule is a good idea. I am sticking to my plan that if he wants to see them, he comes to the house, and his parents can come to the house if they can mind their P's and Q's. AH's mother is his biggest enabler, and I have heard her in the background on the phone over and over, feeding him horrible terrible mean vicious things to say to me, and laughing when he says something hurtful. I am not allowing my children in the room with her without me there to protect them from her words.

I feel like it would be nice to be able to run away and never have to deal with any of this, but of course that can never happen.
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Old 02-05-2014, 07:12 AM
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421, are you still planning to see a therapist on your own? Maybe it would be good to talk in therapy about setting boundaries? It sounds like you are at a point where you know you're happier when you're not interacting with him but you can't quite figure out how to avoid getting sucked in to his shenanigans. It's true what you say, that you can probably never get rid of him completely because you have children together, but you can certainly find ways to minimize contact. It might also be useful to talk to a lawyer, if you feel like you want a legal separation and to set some guidelines for when and how he can contact you or spend time with the kids? FWIW, my AXBF was also a rage-aholic, and at one point he offered to try "anger management." I remember telling this to my therapist, who has been in practice for a couple decades and whose opinion I respect a great deal, and her reaction was "anger management doesn't work." I'm sure others might disagree, but in your husband's case it really doesn't sound like he is in control of his anger. Good luck!
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Old 02-05-2014, 07:25 AM
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Set that schedule...ignore his calls or silence the phone...

The person that blames others isnt' looking inward. You can't work on yourself if you don't look inward.

I think you are heading in the right direction....protect yourself and your sanity for your kiddos.
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Old 02-05-2014, 07:46 AM
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He has proven that he lies. He has proven he is still lazy. He has proven he smokes behind your back. He has proven he is not in control of his anger. Tell me again why you would feel any guilt about not having him in your home??

I live in MO. I will pass along what my attorney told me. When I asked him if I could legally make my husband leave our home, he said the judges here will not do that unless you have an exparte. I don't need an exparte against my husband. He said that normally here a judge will not rule on who stays in the home at all until a divorce is final.

So...just food for though for you. He may eventually just come home and you may not be able to force him to leave. I recommend you consult with an attorney on this issue so you have a plan in place as it sounds like he is becoming very aggressive about wanting to be back home.

I wish you the best of luck with all of it.
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