I really wanted time to think, and time to work on me and the kids. I got one week, and now he is showing up at the house daily. He is still being antagonistic towards me. He starts by speaking to me nicely when he arrives, but he has slammed the door in anger on his way out each time. He keeps telling me I have an anger problem, since I have raised my voice when trying to get the attention of the children, and because I was clanging the dishes while I was clearing the table. I did raise my voice, because the kids were totally out of control. I had to shout to be heard, but once I had their attention I dropped the volume, while keeping a stern tone. When he is around, and for at least the next day, the children are rude, sarcastic, bold and hurt eachother.
The daycare provider has even said to me what nice kids they were being last week, no talking back, no fighting, even remembering their manners most of the time (something they ALWAYS did until about a year ago).
I am sure that my behaviour contributes to the stress, and they feel that. I have such a hard time when AH is constantly at me, attacking what I do and pressuring me to say he can move back home. I did clear the dishes loudly - probably not the most mature way to handle things - he made me feel guilty for not including him in dinner the evening before when he was there waiting for me when I got home from work. So I said he would be welcome to join us last evening. I paid for the food, I cooked it, he ate it, left his dishes and empty beer bottle on the table for me to clean up after him as usual.
AH is really good at turning everything around to make me feel as though I am being unreasonable. When he is not there I can see clearly how his being in the house changes the dynamic so that everyone is on edge, things don't go smoothly, and everyone ends up in a bad mood. When he is there, I always end up feeling cornered and angry. He always has to say something in front of the kids about wanting to come home, just to be sure they know it is Mommy who is causing him not to be there everyday.
He is still going to anger management, soon he will have the results of his drug screening so he can "wave it under our noses" (he said that, really), and he is trying to go for Dad of the Year by signing the kids up for activities and paying for them - which means he has to be at the house 3 days a week, one for each activity, to take them.
I will contact my Employee Asisstance Program today, and see what counselling they offer. I guess it can't hurt to talk to someone, and perhaps for the two of us to talk to someone together. Maybe I will at least be able to have my feelings heard without him blowing up and saying that I am attacking him and blaming him for everything. Maybe.