Wow... sometimes life is just tough as hell. I am not in a very good place mentally. It feels as if everything is spiraling out of control... Like I am on a roller coaster and it just keep going round and round and I am waiting for that big DROP but, just cant see when it is coming.
I screamed as loud as I could in my car this morning on the way to work. I cant sleep. I cant think clearly and working 16 hours a day on 4/5 hours sleep is not good.
I have started having this "psychogenic dizziness" (just learned that term yesterday from my doctor) it started about two weeks ago... It is a weird scary feeling that is like depersonalization with vertigo at the same time. I am not sure how I "got it" but, according to my doctor it is either the way my brain is attempting to deal with extreme stress or it could be something wrong with my inner ear. Those are two very different things....
. I felt like saying so I
am crazy or my inner ear is telling me I am crazy but, whatever. I will see an ENT specialist next and if they cant figure it out...then a neurologist.
I am learning that I have no idea how to be normal. I have no idea what "normal" is and the first year of sobriety all I have learned is that I have no coping skills, no confidence, and live in fear
ALL THE TIME.....I think what I need is a plan.
Anyway, for obvious reasons I cant go running around telling people any of that so.... if anyone read this "thanks" and if not it still feels good to write it all out.
Oh wait... one nice thing... thoughts of drinking come but, BP is in place. I know I will never drink again. Not over my LT relationship, not over anxiety, and not over my damn inner ear.
.
Hugs,
Jess